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19 April 2013

I Want To Talk About The Gym Again and This is My Blog So I Do What I Want

Checklist... have you completed all of these tasks?


If you arrive past class start time, it is considered very rude to interrupt a class that has already begun.
Whatever you do, do not speed. Do not put yourself in ANY kind of danger.
Tell your friend to wait for you, you are almost there....
You wouldn't want her to worry 
Also, you wouldn't want her to go in without you... You will still need your drinking buddy for the bar.

For Several Reasons..

1. In case you are too late for class, you look great for the bar. Young professional = all the rage
2. When you walk in make sure people see you with your hair down and nice clothes, because when you leave looking like Who Shot John, they will remember you were once pretty. 
3. Be sure to spend a lot of time in the locker room getting ready. Tie shoes tight, maybe untie them and tie them again a few times just to be sure you are safe from ankle injuries. 

Warning: Number 3 may take some time, and you MAY miss the beginning of class. This is OK because you were being safe and safety comes first, always.

So you made it to class, lucky you. Now what?

For the love of all things holy, you were forced against your will by your friend to go, you avoided highway delays, traffic violations, speeding, changing clothes, and shoe tying delays. Plus you are now going to have to wash your hair even though you washed it just yesterday morning. 

You deserve every last person on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Myspace, Friendster to know that you are at the GYM workin on your fitness.
If you don't have foursquare, here are good ways to let people know where you are. 

Front row: I'm the best in this class, no one try and mess with me or I'll kick you in the throat
Second Row: One day I'll be brave enough to go to the front row, but for now, I'm safe here
Third Row: I should be at the bar right now. Why was there no traffic??
Back Row: Please don't let me die today, please don't let me die today. Will they judge me if I leave early? Will anyone notice? Will I be made fun of? Maybe I can pretend to get water then leave instead.

Do not ask someone what equipment you need for the class
Do not ask if the class is hard
Do not ask how long the class is
Do not make eye contact with anyone else around you
Give bitchy looks like you are in a fierce competition and questions will disqualify you.

Unless you want the instructor to be on you like white on rice for the remainder of the hour
Keep it to yourself that you are new.
They don't make these classes at Ikea... I promise you will be able to figure it out.

If you can't do this...

Just jump up and down like the white girl you know you are.
Jumping is good enough. 

You deserve it you marathon runner you. 
Great work today.

I am now having an aneurysm from that Beyonce gif, I should probably not go to the gym today.
Venus Trapped


  1. Umm I love your gym posts. Keep em' coming!

  2. hahahahah omg this is FANTASTIC!

  3. HA this is too funny! I die. Happy Friday! Today is a bar day, not a gym day :) Everyone knows that!

  4. Omg this is too funny! LOVE your tweets. They are perfect.

  5. I'll bookmark this for that day I decide to show my face there again. Why is it that I feel like I'm not in good enough shape to go to the gym?? It's a scary place. This weekend, I will continue my mission to become lululemon by lighting candles, loving my schnauzer (semi-hypoallergenic) and eating salad (with beer.) Deal with it. have fun at the gym.

  6. dumps like a truck, truck, truck! shit, if i had B's moves I would start going to Zumba and then even stand in the front row.

  7. hahaha do what you do. because i love it. and do i have to go to the gym?

  8. This post is perfect. I signed up for a gym membership once and then went to the bar to celebrate the fact that I signed up. Baby steps.

  9. So funny and I always check in. I'm a nerd!

  10. Will you be my workout buddy?!

  11. This is hysterical! It's so true to pick your spot wisely in class! I do not mess with those front-row bitches!!

  12. If I ever went to the gym, I'd be a 3rd row kind of girl.

    My husband checks in when he goes to the gym, or Instagrams pics of weights. I call him a douche.

  13. ummm in a matter of days i've turned into a fan girl of your blog. love it! too funny!

  14. absolutely Love this!! wish you could be my workout buddy!

  15. lolol, omg I Love this! Soo subscribing- hilarious blog.
    xoxo Aimee

  16. once again you are spot on about the gym!! Some pour sap asked the teacher in my Zumba class last Saturday how many more songs were left because she likes to tell herself, only two more to go, one more to go, etc... The teachers was not amused in the slightest....never ask questions :)

  17. Hahaha sounds like what I do... when I don't just skip to the bud heavy step.
    Oh btw the fact that you called it bud heavy just made you my new best friend.

  18. Oh lordy. I love this. Pizza is perhaps the best way to celebrate your decision to go to the gym before the bar ha

  19. This post = perfect. We would be awesome workout buddies, just sayin ;D
    I find it really weird how after a great workout all I crave is extra bacon double cheeseburgers and fries..

  20. We'd make the world's worst workout buddies. Also, that B gif is kind of mesmerizing. Seriously, just how. Because when I tried that, you know, doors locked, windows shuttered, it did NOT look that great. More like train wreck.

  21. The hair washing is the main reason I never go to the gym.
    I am loving these posts, keep em coming!

  22. Bawahahaha ha. This is too funny!

  23. Hahah I love it - I'm definitely a back rower or a "why wasn't there traffic??" There's never traffic when I'm going to the gym and ALWAYS traffic when I'm trying to hang out with friends.

  24. how did i miss this post? this is so funny!

  25. the sheer thought of the gym gives me panic attacks which is usually why i avoid that hellish place at all costs.

  26. I honestly could not stop laughing when I read this blogpost... thus far it is one of my faves that I've read of yours and well, I just discovered your blog via my friend Mackensie's blog!! I'm still a newbie and getting the grip in the blogworld!

    I honestly can see me not wanting to go the gym, and texting my gym buddy exactly what you did... but we go at 6 AM.. but hey, it's 5'o'clock somewhere right?! lol

  27. haha How the HELL does Beyonce do this. And she does everything in 6 inch heels. Some day I'll be fantastic at the gym....

  28. absolutely Love this!! wish you could be my workout buddy!

    Gym in Panchkula

  29. Bahaha. Your gym posts are amazing.

  30. I read this with my girl and we were laughing our asses off at Starbucks LMAO. This is so awesome!! I specifically go to the back row LOL

  31. I know I'm kind of late to the party (like 18 months or so...), but awesome post and a great blog. I can't believe I haven't read your blog earlier. I need to fix that.


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