Venus Trapped in Mars

22 March 2013

Grinds My Gears and One That Doesn't

It's that time of the week where I get to be Captain Grumpy Butt for you guys.



1. Lean Cuisines that require stirring 3 minutes in. 

I don't cook. This is why I am eating you, Lean Cuisine. 
If I wanted to slave in the kitchen and stir halfway through then don't you think I would just cook a gourmet macaroni and cheese from scratch?? 

Harvest the noodle crops
Pick the noodle crops and bring them inside
Wash the noodle crops
Milk the cow and blend the milk with string cheese. 
Get out a pot
Put water in the pot
wait for the water to get to bubble
put noodle crop and milk and string cheese in the pot with the bubbles.

Stir halfway through ... B please.
This happened to me last night with their BS Noodle Bake...




I'm 26 years old, living alone and purchased your product in bulk (5/$10 <-- good deal btw ole Krogs)
You think I have a meat thermometer?
Go Jump in the Lake, Lean Cusine. 
Who do you think I am?

P.S. I'm not mad, I'll be enjoying your tuna noodle gratin this evening, but you can't make me stir halfway through and that's final. 

2. Rich people that get DUIs
You are rich.

I'm not rich so here is what I do.
 Ring, ring ring
"Yellahcab how can weh hulp"
"Uh, yeah. Can I get a cab."

You are rich. Get a driver. Get a cab. Get one of your 417 body guards to drive you. Have a party at your house. Get a penthouse next to the bar you can walk to. Have a papparazi drive you, then that rules out the chance of you running them over... two birds one stone.

Although, I do greatly appreciate Paris taking time to get her head turned to her liking.
"New Facebook Profy!"

3. Bad Tippers. 
I waited tables for 8 years. I'm not saying it is the hardest job in the world but there are things that need to be taken into consideration when tipping.

-your server has to tip out around 3.5% of their sales to the bartender 
-your server has to tip out 1% of the nights sales to bus boys
-your server has to tip out 2% to the girl who just sat you in your seat

So right there, they are losing 6.5ish% of the tip you leave. 
If you do not tip, the server has to PAY to wait on you. 


You order your steak well done?
You are not going to tip. 
Servers know.
Just some food for thought. Pun intended.


....and one that doesn't grind my gears

Patti Stanger. 

Girlfriend is 51!!!
51 I tell you! 


She doesn't even do anything anymore. 
Her only job is to lead cheers.
"No sex beforeeeeeeeeeeee _________ "
 MOOOONNNNNOOOOOGOOOMYYYY

I do feel like her dude minion may be gay though? Anyone else catchin that vibe?

Her new boy from this week's episode... woof.
God took his thumb and just pressed down real hard in between his eyes for a solid 20 minutes.

image via
Awesome dress Stanger
I want it. 

How those brackets doing, kids?


Venus Trapped

11 comments :

  1. she is not in her 50s. no. no. then i'm in my....60s.
    and yes bad tippers yuck.
    lean cuisines irritate me. i'm just done with them. i'm always still starving after eating them.

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  2. Patti is 51?! NEVER KNEW. You are a wealth of knowledge ;) hope you enjoy that tuna noodle gratin tonight hahaah i used to eat that one in college. good times, good times. xoxo

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  3. Where do I buy these noodle crops? I'm thinking of picking up "gardening" in my free time.

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  4. I shamelessly love Patti... Except I'm kind of afraid of her and my worst nightmare would be to be in one of those casting sessions - YIKES.

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  5. You are awesome haha, I was nodding aggressively to the Lean Cuisine thing. I've finally gotten away from them, but when I had my first job and lived along, I lived on those things and always laughed... yeah, I'm gonna let it stand?! And then measure the temp!? Nope- I think just nuking it will do!!!

    And bad tippers are SO ridiculous. I didn't know that about dividing up the tips though!! We ALWAYS tip a minimum of 15%, usually closer to 20% though. Good service is appreciated!!

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  6. Love the rant on Lean Cuisine - totally justified. Also, I love a good millionaire match and I wish she was my aunt. My bracket is losing everything, but at least i picked Harvard in a few :)

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  7. WHAAAAAAAT she is 51?! Well damn when I'm her age I wanna look that good!

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  8. Dress is hot, but doesn't belong on a 51 year old. I don't care how great her body looks. I turn my nose up at her.

    I totally agree about celebs getting DUIs. Dumb. Asses.

    I don't cook either. My microwave is my best friend.

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  9. my bracket is currently experiencing a slow death.. it's madness! (pun intended)

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  10. Just found your blog through Katie's. Um, you're hilarious. This whole post. LOVE.

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