The 13 Commandments of Instagram


1. Thou shalt not post more than once per day, and twice on the weekends

2. Thou shalt limit thy selfies to once per week


3. Thou shalt post puppy pictures freely, as long as it adheres to commandment one. 





4. Double tap unto others as you would have them double tap unto you


5. Thou shalt limit thy bump updates to once per trimester 





6. Cocktails are not only allowed, but strongly suggested for your daily picture. Bonus points for drink accessories (i.e. umbrellas, pretty straws, fishbowls, etc.)





7. Thou shalt photograph any purchase over $250 immediately 

8. Thou shalt try and make thy pictures as artsy as possible, even though none of us are artists. (Pro tip: just put your camera as close as humanly possible to an object, #bam artsy)



9. Thou shalt not use more than 3 hashtags for any one post

10. If thou is on vacation or at a bachelorette party, commandment number one will be deemed null and void by a jury of your peers. Post freely. 



11. Thou shalt know thy audience. Babies may be posted at will, but I may unfollow

12. Thou shalt calm the f down if thy is a small business owner. See also commandment one. See also, no one cares. See also, we know your URL if we need to see more.

13. Thou shalt try and make us laugh on occasion











So what commandments would you add to my list?

65 comments:

  1. Thou shall be allowed to like one of your mutual friend's hot friend's picture that is not private but you're not following. And never a selfie! After that, you're a creeper. Well that's my rule :P

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  2. love these all, Sarah. Except selfies should be once a month. yeah, I said it.

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  3. I break #1 a lot...because of #3. :)

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  4. Thou shalt post e-cards and memes sparingly, sparingly people. This goes for FB too I'm tired of seeing that shit. Save it for Reddit. :)

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  5. phew I am so glad you cleared some things up for me. Howevs, I think if one has more than one day drink, that should allow for an extra pic. OR, I could just collage all of my day drinks into one wonderful collection and THEN insta it. Probs: solved.

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  7. Thou shalt not post a baby bump picture until there is indeed an obvious, physical BUMP protruding from you. None of this 9 week crap....

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  8. Son of a nut cracker, you did it again. WHY. DIDN'T. I. THINK. OF. THIS?!

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  9. How about Thou Shalt Not post photos of themselves sitting on the toilet. True story. It scarred my mind for weeks when I saw it. :(

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  10. Yeah, so I break 1 a lot. But then I sometimes go days without a single pic -- so yeah, I think it balances out.
    Oh -- and there are NEVER too many puppy pics. Or kitties. But I could lose several of the baby bump pics and never cry over it.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  11. #12. And second Whitney's comment hahaha

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  12. HAHA that dog one is the best!

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  14. Crap. I break so many of these all. the. time.

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  15. HAHAHA this is great!! Totally agree with #1, excessive posting is annoying- there's pic stitch or other apps if you can't decide on one pic! And I LOL-ed at #7.

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  16. AMEN to the hashtag thing. Letter to crazy dude: your shirtless selfie has nothing to do with sunsets or sushi. Ridiculous.

    I do think posting more than once a day is okay as long as it's not every minute.

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  17. This were all perfect! The baby ones were perfection! You pretty much nailed them all.

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  18. I love the grammar throughout this entire post, lol. Also Thou shalt not post pictures of your tweets. I we wanted to read your tweets, we'd follow you on twitter!

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  19. I agree... I'm telling you, if I see one more baby pic/baby product pic I'm going to explode. This isn't Babies R Us.

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  20. YES! I reeeeeally try to adhere to #9. That shit annoys me. If you don't post daily, do you get make up posts?

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  21. I don't know if I can get on board with these. See, I have two dogs and they are both picture worthy almost daily. Hashtags though? I hate that shit (#mostlybecauseInevercomeupwithgoodones.)

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  22. haha! I love it. I can't follow the once per day rule though, it's like a picture vomit for me-- I get on there and magically have posted 8 pictures of rando shit.

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  23. hahaha omg yes and a half. i was worried at first but #10 made me feel better

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  24. whew - good thing excessive puppy photos are safe. otherwise i'd be screwed. i try to stick to the one-ish posts per day rule and i literally have to hold myself back from posting 10 photos everyday of just my dogs, so any day i don't do that is a success. agree about the businesses too - we can only care so much.
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

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  25. Thou shalt not post pictures of yourself on #TBT for the sole purpose of showing us how good you looked on that random day.

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  26. Yes yes and yes! The "bumpdates" are out of CONTROL sometimes!!

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  27. Hmmmm...me thinks I break many comandments. I try and limit my selfies, but sometimes I'm just feelin myself. Also...the bumpdates. Ugh. May I never ever be preggo again, and thank baby Jesus Instagram didn't exist when I was pregnant with Boomer. Blech. Sub pictures of puppies for pictures of our kitty! Also one does not simply post nothing but memes on their account. ITS FOR PICTURES. Oh...and the not so subtle digs at your ex. Cut that shit out. Ok I'm done now.

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  28. I get very mad when people with dogs don't constantly post pictures of them. How am I supposed to live vicariously through them?

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  29. haha love this! I may or may not post wayyyy too many pictures of the pups!

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  30. Hahahahaha this post is genius. The closer you get your camera to your food the better. Bous points if no one sees you take the picture.

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    1. *Bonus points if you don't have any typos in your comments

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  31. I frequently disregard #1 on weekends, especially weekends away.

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  32. LOL!!! Luckily I'm not "religious" because I break a lot of these often. ;)

    -Undecided Answer

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  33. But sometimes I post multiple times per day and then none for like four days so the law of averages says that's okay. At least that's my story. I hate when people screenshot the notes app on their iphone to say/ask something... that isn't what instagram is for!

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  34. Hahahahahaha! Thou is right...but sometimes I may get a little post or hashtag happy ...that usually comes after I post the alcoholic beverage pic ;)

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  35. Limit the selfies to once per never...and if you must take a selfie, keep the boobs inside the shirt where they belong for crying out loud.

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  36. Well, I'm a failure because I break #1 sometimes. But, I say, if you're breaking #1, just make sure you're not posting pictures of the same thing. Like, I get that the landscape is pretty, but I'm not going to "like" all of the landscapes.

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  37. but no really, we get it, your baby is cute. but calm down with the photos!

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  38. Thou shall not post photos of injuries. No one wants to see your bloody as toe! And I agree one post per day people!!!

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  39. Yes Yes YES to the bumpdates and hashtag ones!!! I think 3 is the perfect number!

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  40. #12 THANK YOU. Also, please cool it with the instagram flash sales and giveaways. They're SO obnoxious.

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  41. Hades to the YES for #9. Thou dost not need 73 hashtags for a single picture.

    Question: may I post multiple pictures of my food-baby bump? Like, pre-ginormous dinner and post-ginormous dinner?

    I guess I could Pic Stitch those...

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  42. #11 - haha!! Guilty. (Of the unfollowing. No babies on this feed!)

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  43. I'm pretty sure I break #1 daily. I think #13 is my favorite!

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  44. LOL. I love this. I used to break all of these all the time (except the baby one) but I'm much better now!

    Kate @ http://fattofitgeek.com/

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  45. Amen to the one-selfie a week rule!

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  46. ha! I think the number of hash tags some folks use is truly out of control

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  47. So basically I suck at life because I fail at #1,3, and 9! Though I don't post everyday but then makeup for it on the weekend. Hash tags I limit to 3-5. Too many is obnoxious

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  48. I think these pretty much sum up the dos and donts. :) I am not much of an Instagram person other than to edit pictures because I suck at Photoshop. LOL.

    xo,
    Ana Paula
    {Visit me at Mommyhood, PhD}

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  49. Once again, plenty of us were thinking it and you said it! Bravo.

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  50. I break them all... Repeatedly. Oops!!

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  51. I think you pretty much got it all covered. I try not to post too too much about my girl.. I know it gets tiresome for some. But, she is pretty cute to look at. Just sayin' ;)
    I hate try hard, duck face selfies..those are just terrible.

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  52. every once in awhile thou shalt look at your own page on instagram, if every photo is of you or your kid... you're doing it wrong.

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  53. Thou shalt not hashtag every other word. EVER.

    I totes agree with all of these commandments but know it to be true that i've broken most that don't involve baby bumps and actual tiny humans. *Sigh* off to IG Hell I go. . .

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  54. I break commandment #1 a lot (and I kinda disagree with it fundamentally..but there should be a limit..maybe 3?) I agree with most of the rest of them! And that last picture is simply amazing!

    -AJ
    FitTravelerAJ.com

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  56. Hahaha I'm dying, this is hilarious.

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  57. LOL at the last picture! Love this

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