You Can't Bring a Banana On A Boat

Was anyone else aware that you can't bring a banana on a boat? If you follow me on snap or instagram, you'll know that I was in Crystal River, Florida this past week for a work photoshoot. For those who don't know, I do marketing and advertising for Tohatsu, an outboard motor company. We usually do a photoshoot every other year, generally in Florida. 

Before the shoot, we always go to walmart and load up on tons of snacks. This year we threw some fruit in the basket, you know, for appearance sake. We got bananas, apples and oranges. We packed it all up in a cooler alongside waters and gatorades. Day one, we actually FORGOT to bring the cooler with is, but we were much more prepared for day two. As we started to see the very first peek of sun over the horizon, bright and early, we rolled the cooler on the boat ready for a successful shoot day. 

As we left the dock, headed for our shooting destination for that morning, thick clouds rolled in but the sun continued to burst through. 

As we put more distance between ourselves and the dock we launched from, we start to see less and less sun with far more clouds.

When we finally get to our setup fishing shot, the sun is totally gone and we are left with a dull sky.

There is obviously enough light to continue shooting, but it is certainly less than ideal. 

About an hour into the shoot, I mosey on over to the cooler and dig around for a tasty treat. I see the bananas and I pull one off. As I start to peel back the first layer, every single member (5 people total) of the photo crew dives at me trying to grab the banana out of my hands before I can peel any deeper. 

As I look at the grown men who have just belly flopped on the floorboard of the boat, all failing to grab the banana from my hands, I yell... "What on earth is wrong?" 

(I embellished a bit on that part of the story -- it was only 4 grown men, not 5) 

They look up, all simultaneously yelling at me -- 

"YOU CAN'T BRING A BANANA ON A BOAT!!!" 

I'm sorry, what? Why? Why not? The last time I saw anger like that I had pretended to throw the tennis ball and Veenie went for it. She then trotted back TOTALLY PISSED upon seeing the ball was still in my hand. This is the face they made over seeing the banana, totally pissed.

They proceeded to google "Banana on a Boat" to show me why you can't bring a banana on a boat. Because, you know, you can't put anything on the internet that isn't true. According to google, whistling and suitcases are also banned from boats. 

"Another superstition that originated during that time is that bananas will cause a boat to sink. This belief developed after many boats never made it to their destinations, and all of the doomed boats were carrying bananas."

Have no fear though, guys, there is a repentance prayer. 

A PRAYER TO BE DELIVERED TO EFFING BANANAS ON A BOAT. 

Oh great Konpira

please, hear my plea

I am sorry for my mistake

A banana I brought to sea

it was an honest gesture

a noble means of nutrition

I had no ill intent

I brought fruit of my own volition

Please forgive my idiocy

I meant my friends no harm

We just want to go fishing

and go home with a sore arm

We beg of you to release the curse

upon which I have brought

In your honor I consume these bananas

a sacrifice all for nought

It was supposed to be nothing but sunshine all week long, but this particular day turned to solid clouds -- all day long. Everyone blamed me for bringing the bananas on the boat. Because, you know, everyone knows not to bring a banana on a boat. *FACE PALM* 

Or suitcases.

Or whistling. 

And guys think girls are weird. PSHT. 

Here are some photos from the rest of the week, sans boat bananas. 
Again, *FACE PALM* 

The Banana Strikes Again... 

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My Worst Food Photos of 2015

*Opens a new post screen. Sits there staring at a blank white box. Eventually closes new post screen*

Repeat x12

*Gets inspired, has post idea*

-or-

*No post for the day*

A big thank you to the good people at the Dallas Observer, for today's post idea which was inspired by them.... otherwise you would've gotten zilch. The blogging struggle is difficult sometimes, it really is. I know sponsored posts are somewhat frowned upon, but I do appreciate the built-in subject matter they provide!

The Observer's post today was about this particular writer's Worst Food Photos of 2015 and I thought that was a brilliant topic for a blog post. Now that proper credit has been given to this bomb writer at the Observer, I'll share with you my worst food and drink photos of 2015.

I tried real hard for you, instagram. I really did. Stupid lighting.

January 2015

The crime scene: Chili's || Love Field Dallas Airport
The dish: Chips and Salsa

I bet you've never had chips and salsa at Chili's before. So unique.

NOOOOO I didn't make CB dunk his chip and pause for the photo.
He was thrilled to do this for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

February 2015 

The crime scene: The NYLO Hotel || Dallas, Tx

The drink: Dirty Gin Martini

Quite possibly the most unattractive dirty gin martini that has ever been served in the history of the United States. So naturally, I photographed it. 

February 2015

The crime scene: The Hereford Grill || Miami, Fl

The dish: Escargot (?!?) 

This was my first time trying snails and I remember it being "not terrible."
Unfortunately this looks disgusting. Ew. 

February 2015

The crime scene: The Crowne Plaza || Miami, Fl

The dish: It appears this was once a cuban, I think?

If you can get passed the elephant in the room of, "Why did you even take this picture?" the next obvious question was why did I need so much ketchup? 
MMMMMM, mouth is totes watering right now. 

March 2015

The crime scene: Braindead Brewing || Dallas, Tx

The dish: Uhhhhh....

After googling the menu at Braindead just now, I think CB ordered the T.A.B.L.E Sandwich which is pictured here. Everything they serve at Braindead is fantastic, I don't know how I've managed to make it look so horrible. It's a gift, I suppose. 

April 2015 

The crime scene: Papa John's Delivery || Arlington, Tx

The dish: Pepperoni Pizza

I'm remember being confident this would produce at least a hundo instagram likes. Everyone likes pizza. I just was clearly too hungry to bother with making it look nice, or waiting to eat. 

May 2015

The crime scene: A Cave || Branson, Missouri 

The drink: Beer, Bat's Blood

I can't believe I wasn't able to get a great photo in a cave???? 
Still scratching my head on this one. 

May 2015

The crime scene: The Wild Detectives Coffee Shop || Dallas, Tx

The drink: Coke

These were not our coke bottles. This was not our table. I took about 12 of this exact photo then gave up. Not sure what kind of art I was hoping to find washed up from someone else's glass bottle. My life (unfortunately fortunately) isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel.

June 2015

The crime scene: Sarah's Deep Ellum Apartment || Dallas, Tx

The dish: Avocado Caprese Chicken Salad 

This is one of the best things I've ever made, you believe me right??????? 

July 2015

The crime scene: The Lakehouse || Dallas, Tx

The dish: Cake

This was at Helene's going away party, and was so so so good.
How did I manage to make cake look gross? But really this looks foul.

August 2015

The crime scene: A Friend's House || Dallas, Tx

The dish: Egg

Tell me, how bad do you wish you had this egg right now? Scale of 1 to 10... 

September 2015

The crime scene: Winstar World Casino Hotel Room || Thackerville, Oklahoma 

The drink: Fireball Mini Bottles

This is not my purse, this is my travel makeup bag that is too many years old to admit. 

It was crystal clear I had a one-track Instagram mind for this photo. This is terribly sad, if I had gone through with posting this, I hope someone would have phoned for help.

 October 2015

The crime scene: Zoli's || Dallas, Tx

The dish: Angioletti (fried dough) 

Ignore this photo, stop what you're doing, hop on a plane if necessary, and go order this dish. 
Do not pass go, do not college $200. 

I'm aware how it looks, but it tastes like an angel whispered directly onto your tastebuds, "I love you, be happy, here's some fried dough."

November 2015

The crime scene: French Wine Festival || Irving, Tx

The dish: Macaroon 

This will go down as the biggest blogger fail of 2015. I managed to make the single most instagram-worthy food item look like a Keebler Elf pooped it out of their tree. 

So there you have it, those are my worst food pictures of 2015. I guess I'm going to need to step my game up a notch in 2016, or take less photos of my meals. 

One or the other. 


 

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That Time I Found $10

A couple of days ago I was walking my dogs, the usual occurrence that happens twice daily, but sometimes not until 10am on Saturdays if Friday night lasted until after midnight. On the occasional weekend morning, my boyfriend will wake up without saying a word, get out of bed and take them on a walk for me. If you are a single dog mom that lives in a 3rd floor apartment without a back yard, then you will know that is, without a sliver of a doubt, the most romantic thing a boyfriend can do for his girlfriend. Forget flowers or chocolates or surprise bottles of wine, if a boy is willing to walk two dogs that were not originally adopted by him, that's romance. That's love. Surprise wine is also love though, just so we aren't leaving that out. 

So like I was saying, I was walking the dogs on Tuesday afternoon. There are two very slender, long patches of grass designated solely for dog poop next to my building. Every hooman that lives in the building is fully aware that stepping anywhere in either row of grass can be lethal. I'm walking Gee and Veenie along, watching their bum holes, hoping for poop on the horizon (if you're a dog parent then you're lying if you say you don't do this too), when I spot a crumpled up $10 bill in the grass.  To say I felt psychotic over the series of thoughts that would follow is an understatement.   My first thought was obviously to pick it up. 

Before I picked the money up, I spotted a man and his dog out of the corner of my eye. He was closer to me than he should have been, abusing the unspoken, yet implied, "allow 30 feet of space between the dogs you're walking and someone else's dogs." The man was lingering in the no-zone, 25ish feet away. 

I instantly decided that he was conducting a social psychological experiment to see how many people would pick up the 10 bill. If I picked up that $10, my picture would surely be found in a University of Texas at Dallas study, showcasing the link between those that picked up the $10, and long-term emotional damage from the verbal abuse of a summer camp counselor or something.     I briskly walked in the other direction, acting as if I had never even seen the money. 
When that man and his dog headed back inside without taking my picture on a disposable flip phone or scribbling any notes, I walked the dogs back toward the money. 
I paced the same 5 feet back and forth, essentially standing guard over the money. Thoughts continued...

What if that show What Would You Do Is Taping Me? I'll be forever on television, portrayed as the greedy, desperate girl that couldn't just leave the $10 in the grass for the original owner to come back and retrieve. The girl that didn't even try to put posters up, "FOUND $10. No tags. Call 555-555-5555 to claim." 

No one is looking, just pick it up. I could get Chipotle WITH guacamole!!!
Then I got bit by a mosquito. I smacked my ankle and took that as a sign to leave it.  I'll leave it for one of the homeless guys that always begs for money. 
But what if some random girl walking her dogs takes it for herself, the homeless guys won't get the $10.
I'll just pick it up and save it for one of the homeless guys that asks me for money. They'll be so happy. 
Another guy came out to walk his dog, and, after quickly determining he was a psychology student at Baylor, I scurried inside with one dog who had pooped and one who hadn't, abandoning the wadded up $10 bill. 

I checked the next morning, vowing to pick it up if it was there, and it was of course gone. I felt crazy. Like a crazy person. 

I told CB I had found $10 and you know what he said? He said, "Oh sweet! We can get Chipotle."  I then explained my full thought process and why we wouldn't be having Chipotle. He listened, agreed that I was indeed crazy. But the sweet man that he is told me he loved me for my crazy. 

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A VTIM Exclusive Interview :: The Incredible Hulk Tells All

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #AvengersUnite #CollectiveBias

With the movie MARVEL's The Avengers: Age of Ultron coming out tomorrow, May 1st, I have a very special treat for you today. I was able to land an exclusive, all-access interview with the movie's biggest star. Literally, the biggest star. That's right folks, Venus Trapped in Mars has the main man himself, here with us today.  The Incredible Hulk Tells All 

Sarah: Hey Hulk! Welcome to VTIM, how are you doing today?  Hulk: Good at the moment, a little hungry.  Sarah: Oh well help yourself, I brought donuts just over there Hulk: Thank you very much, Sarah. Don't mind if I do.  Sarah: First of all, that is a really nice flower crown you're wearing. My readers would be very interested in hearing about the background story there. I'm not sure people would expect such a tough, and some might even go so far as to say angry guy, to be wearing a flower crown.  Hulk:  (Chuckles) I'm glad you asked, Sarah. This is a common misconception. The character I play is just that, a character. Sure I have things that set me off during the day, who doesn't? But for the most part I'm just a normal, guy that is very in touch with his sensitive side.    Sarah: I think that is lovely that you like flowers so much. I do too! You recently posted this photo to your Instagram page. Are these from your own garden at home? 

Hulk: Gosh what a sweetheart you are, yes they are from my own garden. I prefer to plant annuals, Marigolds in particular, because they are just so cheerful. I have a lot of drama in my life, (chuckles) heck, who doesn't? I tend to gravitate toward things, people and apparently even flowers that are generally sunny in disposition.  Sarah: I hate to bring up a hot topic that you are famously known to be sensitive, maybe even a little shy about, but I've got to do it.... Hulk: It's ok Sarah, I knew you were going to ask. I don't mind, it's a part of who I am. I shouldn't be ashamed. Go ahead. Sarah: Well, you mentioned you have things that set you off during the day. Can you give us an example of some of those things?  Hulk: The things that set me off are very simple, probably even the same things that set you off. Like the other day I was making a lovely dinner... sirloin and asparagus. Yum! I went to take a peek at the progress of the sirloin....

 And I realized I had left it in too long and it burned ....

I lost my temper a bit. I did a hulk smash that I am not too proud of. I flew off the handle and that is something I'm really working on, inside myself. (Chuckles) Joke was on me, the sirloin ended up pretty tasty! 

It is mostly just little things that drive me bananas. Like the other day I was running so so so late to meet my friend, Betty Ross, and I got in the car and realized I was out of gas. 

Yeah, I lost my cool again. I'm working on it though, I really am.  Sarah: I recently stumbled across this picture and was excited to learn that you are a writer. What type of writing do you do?

Hulk:  Oh gosh, a writer? No no no. I just dabble. I enjoy trying my hand -- jokes, jokes, jokes, I know -- at Romantic Comedies. I'm a big fan of Ryan Gosling, it would be a dream of mine for him to play the lead in one of my Rom Coms one day!   Sarah: Are you excited about the red carpet event tonight? Hulk: Excited? Yes, very. When you and the squad looking fresh you just be like...

  Sarah: Before we finish, is there anything else you would like my readers to know? Anything we should do before we see MARVEL'S The Avengers: Age of Ultron tomorrow in theaters?  Hulk: Actually yes! We just got our very own app! Big time, I know!  The Super Heroes Assemble app (which can be downloaded here for google play or here via iTunes) turns your phone into a portal for exclusive Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron content. Actually you can even scan the Avengers displays, featuring Kellogg's Fruit Snacks, Cheez-It, Hasboro, Dr. Pepper or Marvel, at Walmart and Walmart.com to become your favorite Avenger! Let me rephrase that, to become ME, obvi!  Get this, if you scan any 12 packs of Dr. Pepper's Avengers or scan the in-store signage you'll unlock a digital comic book brought to you by Dr. Pepper! Here are some examples of both the Dr. Pepper Avengers packs, and some dress up gear available at Walmart! 

  Sarah: Hulk, what a pleasure. I'm going to ask my readers to leave you comments in the comment section, should they have any questions. Would you mind sticking around and answer some reader mail?  Hulk: Gosh, not at all. What a delight that would be. 

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8 Reasons I'm An Adult Destroyer of Clothes

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #RadiantLaundry #CollectiveBias

Although I have skin that is so pale it is an odd shade of blue right now, I have a fairly normal skin type. It'll occasionally get dry, but nothing a good slab of lotion can't fix. So it came as a very odd surprise when I had my very first ever allergic reaction 20 years into my life. One day in college I borrowed my roomie Magen's laundry detergent to wash my sheets. I put the sheets on my bed, and laid down for a nice long 20 minute power nap, because hello, power naps are how you survive college. I woke up and was covered head-to-toe in these bright red, itchy splotches. As someone who doesn't suffer from many sicknesses or allergies, I totally (and maybe a little over-dramatically) freaked out. 
In true-to-Sarah dramatic fashion, let's just say I learned the hard way that CB used this same type of detergent, and had to convert him too. 
So what is my go-to, will freak out if anyone uses anything else, laundry detergent? all. I've always been an all user, so when I found out they had a new product called all Radiant, I wasn't at all hesitant, no pun intended, to switch from their pod packs that I was previously using.

My clothes certainly take a beating. People act like children are this terrible wrecking force that come through and cause a nightmare on white whites and bright colors. Well, go ahead and group me in that terrible wrecking force. I prefer to think that I just live hard / live life to the most extreme! 
The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? I, Sarah Webb, am a human destroyer of clothing. Things that I do that destroy my laundry include, but are not limited to:

1. Spray Tans - I am an avid spray tanner. I have a whole post that is full of my tips, if you've never had a spray tan before.  What is one thing you will learn very quickly once you begin spray tanning? LOL at white sheets. I have to have a great detergent during the Spring and Summer spray tan season. 
2. The hole in my lip - There is a giant hole in my bottom lip that randomly opens when I least expect it, causing the beverage I'm consuming to fall right through and splatter on whatever top I'm wearing. Generally, said top is white and said beverage is brown. 
3. Ketchup - I love ketchup, like, more than a friend. When restaurants see me coming, they're like, BRB gotta call the ketchup delivery guy real quick. We are going to need a new shipment when Sarah is done. 
4. Sporting events - When eating is mixed with spontaneous jumping out of your seat to scream for the home team, you're in trouble. 
5. Sweat - You know that shirt that says, "I don't sweat, I sparkle"? Yeah, that isn't me, at all. I am always hot. I could be visiting Canada in January and I guarantee I will be sweating at some point during the trip. I still have no idea how I've survived 2.5 Texas Summers. 
6. I keep things for a very, very long time - I still have things in my closet from high school that I wear regularly. My favorite pair of workout shorts say Midlothian High School 2000 Lady Trojans Softball. For those without a calculator nearby, that would make these shorts 15 years old.
7. Cheap Clothing Stores - This is my favorite store. I do not invest in nice pieces very often because I'd rather have 10 things for $100 than one thing for $100. Guilty as charged. 
8. General and Veenie - This requires no further explanation.
So as you can see, not only do I need a laundry detergent that won't send me into a red splotchy outbreak (red just isn't my color), I need a detergent that can clean the torture I inflict on my wardrobe. The new all Radiant laundry detergent is up for the job. It restores whites and protects colors. Fading clothes and stains are regular occurrences for me, and this detergent is able to revive my white sheets, remove my I-eat-too-much ketchup stains in the first wash, and keep my favorite team's colors bright and vibrant with its patented fiber shield technology. 

Keep an eye out for a Cartwheel Offer at Target from 5/3 to 5/9. Here is the aisle I was able to find all Radiant. 

 

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OMG That's Literally So Basic Team Trivia

A few months ago, right after I had returned from getting punched in the face in Virginia, a group of us went to play trivia at an Arlington bar. Now, I'm no stranger to team trivia. It is one of my favorite weekday pastimes, seeing as it very much beats coming home and sitting on the couch. Plus, I love a good competition in a bar --- clearly, based on my VA Beach Story!

My issue with team trivia is deep seeded. I don't think I'm dumb. I mean, I do medium at Jeopardy when I watch and can easily figure out public transportation routes when in a new city, both of which to me scream, 20-something genius. So if I'm not dumb, why am I so terrible at team trivia? Oh, that's right, because it is completely targeted at men. Nerdy men. Men that may or may not have spent 1+ years in their parent's basement, playing battle galactic warcraft (or whatever it's called), and without a doubt have a mustard stain on their shirt right this very minute. Actually, scratch that last comment, I believe I have a mustard stain on the pants I'm wearing. You win some you lose some.

Bar trivia these days is tailored to men who watch way too many movies, play way too many video games, listen to way too much indy rock music and, for some insane reason that I can attribute to nothing other than they clearly made flashcards to practice for team bar trivia, can tell you every single president, by year, in order, as well as their gardner, in order by most daffodils planted.

With all that said, I'll be the first to suggest, "Hey! Let's go play team trivia tonight!" Maybe it's because I enjoy White House daffodils, maybe it's because I like beer. I'm not really sure. (Spoiler: It's beer.)

This last round of trivia was hands down the worst though. For example, here is, verbatim, the first question asked, "What 1972 cyborg novel did something by something else written by this guy?"

The answer?
6 million dollar man

Me: "Yeahhhh, can I get another IPA?"

You get my point here? This trivia is impossible. So I would like to introduce my newest venture that, as of April 22nd,  I'm accepting very wealthy investors to back my company. I'll accept opening bids of $10,000. Please leave your bid, account and routing numbers in the comments and I'll be in touch.

::: INTRODUCING :::  

OMG That's Literally SO BASIC Team Trivia

OMG That's Literally SO BASIC Team Trivia will take place in bars across the country. By bars, I mean wine rooms, martini bars, craft cocktail speakeasies, champagne lounges and dance clubs where Taylor Swift dominates the DJ's playlist.

You may have as many ladies in your wolf pack team as you like. You must pick a team name. Team name examples include: 

"We literally do not care"  

"But first, trivia"

"We woke up like this"

"Monday is a basic bitch" (encouraged for trivia that meets on Mondays)

 "Starbs&Kate Spade&Lululemon&Champagne"

"Sorry Not Sorry for Winning"

"Dead. Death. Dying"

"Where do all the bobby pins go" 

"Insert Heart Eyed Emoji Here As Our Team Name" 

Now on to the important part. A sampling of questions and answers you may hear at an OMG That's Literally SO BASIC Team Trivia night....

(Answers listed below. I would have listed them upside down like in Cosmo, but turning a magazine upside down is much easier than turning a laptop upside down)

Q1. Are you familiar with the exhcange policy at Forever 21

Q2. Which is quite literally the best phone like, ever.

jk lol lylas those were just warm up freebies...

Q3 . What type of scarf swept Instagram in 2014

Q4. What is Carrie Bradshaw's real name

Q5. Who does Carrie Bradshaw get proposed to, but eventually turn down

Q6 What is Taylor Swift's Instagram handle?

Q7. What are the two main colors featured on the seasonal cups at Starbs?

Q8. What does #MCM stand for?

Q9. In what city does this show take place?

Q10. On what day did Aaron Samuels ask Cady Heron what day it was?

Q11. What does ANTM stand for?

Q12. Who is this person?

Q13. Who was Gossip Girl?

Q14. Name this brand

Q15. What is the name of Mindy Kaling's book?

Q16. Who is this man?

Q17.  Finish this chorus, "Ladies leave your man at home. The club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.... "

The following questions will all be scenes from movies. You must name the movie

Q18.

Q19.

Q20.

GOOD LORD I WOULD DOMINATE AT THIS TRIVIA!!! 

Don't forget, now accepting investors. $10,000 minimum buy in. 

K thx. BYE.

...Answers...

A1. Yes A2. iPhone6 A3. Blanket Scarf A4. SJP A5. Aidan Shaw A6. @taylorswift A7. Red and white A8. Man Crush Monday A9. Miami A10. October 3 A11. America's Next Top Model A12. Kim Richards A13. Dan Humphrey (we will also accept Lonely Boy) A14. Lululemon A15. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) A16. Chris Harrison A17. And all you fellas leave yo girl With her friends Cause its 11:30 and the club is Jumpin, jumpin  A18. 10 Things I Hate About You A19. Devil Wears Prada A20.

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