Venus Trapped in Mars

22 August 2013

The Lion Scrunch

Let's talk about the grossest thing happening on my body right now. My thighs. When I walk, I have to waddle a bit because it burns when they rub together in this 104 degree Texas heat. I know what you're thinking right now, "Gosh, this girl must be a dude magnet." Yes, I am. I don't always begin a conversation by discussing my ham hock thighs, just when I want to put my best foot forward. 

Ba-dum-ch! 

Besides the pain of the inner thigh rash, I have another problem. Anytime I'm wearing shorts, the inner part of the short rides up into my crotch. I'm forced to either stick my hands up in between my legs and pull the shorts out of my crotch every six seconds, or walk duck-like in hopes that it will naturally fall out from in-between my legs. When I was running today, it looked like I was playing treadmill hopscotch I was running so wide legged. The entire 30 minutes all I could think is, "If I ever make it off this treadmill alive, I'm buying all the stock in workout leggings".



Holy geeze I just put my pajama boxer middle wedgie on the internet. If that isn't motivation to lose weight well then my middle name ain't Billy Bob.

Am I wearing the wrong shorts?? Do I walk incorrectly? Am I a freak and no one else has this problem?? I need to know how to fix this in the short term, because after I finish couch to 5k I will look like this and won't have such blue collar problems.

I would be willing to bet any amount of money that this chick's 16 year old pajama boxers don't scrunch up into her lady area when she walks. 

So I'm sure you have heard of "camel toe"... well I'm going to call this the lion scrunch. Because you are lion if you think you don't look totally disgusting with your shorts scrunched up in your crotch. I guess I now understand why the olympic athletes run so funny. If they didn't, their shorts would be riding up into their va-jay-jay on national television!



Come back next time as I explore the world of the extra skin hangover-your-elbow arm flap. Followed by the ever popular, "Did your knee cap get hit with a line drive bowling ball, why is it so swollen?" 


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60 comments :

  1. Girl..I am wayyy bigger than you and my shorts do the same thing...which is why you never see my arse in shorts!

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  2. I just died laughing.. try leggings! Thats all I wear.. no more vajaja wedgies :)

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  3. Get some Gold Bond body powder and you will never have to worry about your legs burning when they rub again. Will probably help when you're running too.

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  4. hahaha this is a very true and serious issue!! I battle the inner thigh rubbing/crotch eating my shorts on a daily work out basis...If you find a cure (besides be a size 0 with zero leg fat because that won't happen for me) let me know!

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  5. Beautiful post - leggings for the win!

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  6. Exactly why I never wear shorts anymore!

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  7. I think this is an issue most women have to deal with! When I'm running longer distances I HAVE to wear spandex shorts or crops for this very reason! Glide works wonders against chafing (but it unfortunately does not solve the lion scrunch).

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  8. Here in the south we call it "chub rub"... ain't that purrrrdy!!! Try some stick deodorant that dries clear and has some powder in it. Put it anywhere that rubs or chafes... ladies who play tennis around here swear by it and bonus... ya smell good down there too!!

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  9. This is such a struggle for me too!!! It is also a hugeeee irritation at night when I'm sleeping and my shorts keep riding up....so uncomfortable! As for running, the only thing I've found that helps is wearing compression shorts underneath. Lifesaver!

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  10. And this is why I wear capri workout leggings and not shorts. Story of my life!

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  11. hahah I wear workout leggings for my runs because I HATE when my shorts do this. No fun at alllll

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  12. Hahaha I have the same problem longer short and workout capris are my saviors

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  13. Only a few lucky people can wear non-denim shorts and have them not ride up like that. You're not alone!

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  14. This is why I don't wear shorts that often lol

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  15. ughhh shorts. i love them but yes i hate them. also i took pics of myself in that bra thing today and I might need to lose 100 lbs.

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  16. Ugh. It happens all the time. It happened when I was a size 6 and when I was double that. I'll never have that thigh gap nor have the issues with riding up shorts. I have come to realize me and short shorts will never be friends.

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  17. Lion scrunch....hahahahahaha you are to funny. Now every time I go to Walmart I'll be thinking oh my look at that lion scrunch.

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  18. I have had the thigh rub problem nearly my entire life. No matter how fit or not fit I am...my thighs touch and rub. Some people are just stuck with it. I can not work out in cute shorts, my bottoms have to at least cover my thighs. In the summer I use baby powder on my legs if I am wearing a dress and going to be outside most of the day to try and prevent the rash of pain from forming. I love that you call it the lion scrunch!

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  19. Um. This is my life. Constantly. And I feel like whenever it happens, I'm with someone who has a foot of space between their thighs and they won't understand. I was in Chicago once, wearing a maxi skirt and all I wanted to do was go buy some leggings to put underneath, but I was with work people and that would have just been too weird to explain. So I suffered. Then proceeded to itch the inside of my thighs for the next 12 hours.

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  20. I'm right there with you!!! Need to get my butt in gear, big time!!!! Getting dressed into the workout clothes is half the battle. Once I'm in a sports bra, I'm committed!

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  21. Hit up the nearest academy and invest in some plain ole spandex shorts. Wear them under your regular running shorts, unless your derrier looks WAY better than mine and you're fine wearing them solo. This fixes the lion scrunch.

    It happens to the best of us. Except skinny ishes

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  22. Lol no one looks like the girl in that picture lovie. Not even the girl in that picture. Every body comes with its own weirdness. For example. The other day Boomer was standing behind me while I put on makeup. I felt her drawing lines on the side of my butt/hips/whatever area. 'Boomer what are you doing?' 'I'm tracing all the cool white lines on your butt mom! How'd they get there?!'.....blech

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  23. OMG I hate that shit. I feel like my thighs are fighting for air when I walk! It's no fun, i'm working on making that go away as we speak...

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  24. Skirts. Leggings & bike shorts for running. The shorts rise is THE WORST.

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  25. I tell ya what my thighs have some serious thunder in them but when i run i wear the short with the little undies already sewn in (they are weird, but they were 5 at old navy so i bought them all) and i dont have that issue. other shorts yes, panty shorts no.

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  26. Story of my life, yet somehow I still mega prefer shorts to pants. It's like I'm a masochist or something.

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  27. Ugh, when I was pregnant my thighs grew to the monsters they are today, and I kept having a problem with them rubbing together when I wore dresses. Another woman told me about Monistat Chafing Gel. I know what you're thinking "Royal, I don't have a GD yeast infection!" But this stuff is a gel you apply to your thighs or anywhere else you may chafe (even where a bathing suit may rub on your shoulders) and it is amazing. Changed my life.

    And I use Old Navy compression shorts. ha, I mean, when I work out for that first week of every new year, I wear compression shorts. :)

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  28. Definitely invest in some spanky shorts (aka spandex), they're a lifesaver. I used to think my legs would look gross in them because they'd be too tight, but as long as you find the right brand/size you'll be fine. Oh, and when you're trying them on, BEND OVER, because some brands get a little less opaque when they're stretched out if ya know what I mean.

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  29. Being the only one in my group of high school friends who has this problem, I was a little lonely rocking the lion scrunch by myself. The thigh chafing was PARTICULARLY BAD at Lollapalooza, when I walked around sweaty for 3 days. I had to start wearing compression shorts because it hurt so bad, like Kalyn said.

    Michelle @ Mishfish13

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  30. Pretty much the greatest blog post in history. Thats what this hilarious piece of blog is.

    Also, NO, you are not the only one this happens to. If I want to wear shorts, this is price I pay as well. Also, I never EVER wear shorts to workout because I refuse to pull the lion scrunch out of my vageen every 2 seconds. Wear a workout capri or full pant! That is your best option. I live for workout legging capris because they're comfy, but not quite as sweat-inducing as full on pants. Good luck. I'm looking for to the extra-skin elbow flap post because I got that in spades.

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  31. you are not alone in this lion scrunch conundrum. i hate shorts because of this same reason. but i also hate people that use the term thigh gap when they are trying to get in shape haha. i say running tights and capri for the Win!

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  32. I have that exact same problem with shorts! I can't even get into the whole "Nike Shorts are amazing!" craze because all they do is ride higher and higher while I wear them. I am all about the tight capri-length workout pants!

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  33. I have a pair of newish lululemon shorts that do this and it is so annoying!!!!!

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  35. so...anyone whose thighs touch will have this problem BUT that doesn't mean you're overweight or need to lose weight. some women simply will never have that thigh gap regardless of how much you workout or eat clean... i for one am that type of girl. you know how into fitness i am and i kill myself every day during my workouts but my giant quads will not allow me to have that thigh gap and my thighs definitely touch ie. no gap at all!

    so, if your body type means that your thighs will touch but you're eating clean and living a healthy lifestyle, so be it and embrace it :)

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  36. Ugh I totally have that problem! I actually just bought these Nike shorts last week that have spandex underneath so that my legs wont rub when I run! It was free shipping too! Btw, I love the name "lion scrunch" hahaha

    http://www.dickssportinggoods.com/product/index.jsp?productId=11060182&kw=nike+womens+double+up+shorts&origkw=nike+womens+double+up+shorts

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  37. bahah this is why I love you! And I refuse to run in shorts- will not do it.

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  38. I have the same issue with my thunder thighs. What I've learned is that I can never wear loose fitted shorts. They have to be fitted workout spandex shorts with at least 4-5 inches in the inseam cuz then the material covers the area where my thighs rub. Either that or workout leggings or capris. Even outside of workouts, I apply the same rules to my jean shorts lol.

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  39. I have just spent the entirety of the last five minutes cracking up at this post! I have the same issue with my shorts and I feel so stupid when I run, maybe I should do the Couch to 5K thing like you are! Thanks for making me laugh Sarah :)

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  40. I have a secret weapon for thigh rub/rashes, it is Monistat's Soothing Care Chafing Relief Gel Powder. It's like $6.00 a tube and it is a miracle worker. It is a purple tube in a purple box and it is normally on the tampon aisle. It goes on clear, no smell, no stickiness and it works through humidity. In fact, I used it in Texas in June and I had no heat/ rub rash. Go get it girl!!!!

    ~Krista
    www.kristiesbluejeans.blogspot.com

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  41. its soooooo annoying! this is the story of my life.

    so for running i wear spandex (sorry, it has to be done) either shorts or leggings and for the rubbing i wear some type of spanx thing or use 'body glide' which was developed for runners in the first place (or in my case, just fat thighs :/ haha!)

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  42. I don't wear shorts. I stick with capris, for the most part. So much easier to keep them where they belong!

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  43. This is why I don't wear shorts--end of story. I will wear Nike shorts because the little panty things inside prohibit the rest of the shorts from riding up, but other than that, I"m anti short. And I live in Alabama..it's that bad. I will say that I can always tell when I gain weight by my thighs and whether or not the are touching--as soon as I feel them touching, it's back to salads!

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  44. freaking DYING.

    I hate shorts for this EXACT reason!

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  45. This happens to me sometimes - it depends on the shorts. And it's not a weight thing, it just depends on if your legs touch - thin girls legs touch too. Or girls with narrower hips. I really think it has a lot to do with the length of the shorts and the way they are cut/put together. But yes, get leggings for running! Way more comfortable.

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  46. Damn I read this while eating cookies. I think I need to post a picture of my thighs too and get this ball rolling!!

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  47. I have a drawer full of cute workout shorts that I NEVER wear because of this problem!!! If you figure out the answer to this problem, please let me know! I'd love to wear those shorts! For now, I always, always wear workout capris/leggings. So I have the problem that my thighs then rub together so much that I get holes there instead! I need to write this on a piece of paper and tape it to the fridge and pantry to remind myself of this chub-rub problem when I want ice cream or sugar! lol

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  48. I call this "fat rash". my husband knows what I mean when i say it and he knows it means we better find somewhere to sit down in air conditioning stat.

    for dresses i wear spanx so I don't get it then. yay touchy thighs.

    sigh

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  49. shorts- no. legging and capris- yes! I hate that!

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  50. Yes, leggings. My friend wore shorts to our 5k and by the end she was bleeding from rubbing. She didn't tell us till the end, but it was bad. I wore leggings and I was fine.

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  51. HAHA That's so annoying!!! Mine do it all the time. Don't forget to discuss the armpit fat. That little pinch of fat is so stubborn.

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  52. I saw a few pictures of me at the beach and I wanted to barf. My baby is nearing 6 months old, I think it's time to start trying. Yep, that's it..just trying would be a good start. Once I commit to trying, I'll then figure out what it is that I'm trying for..

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  53. Oh my gosh. I need the motivation to lose weight. Shorts sticking/ thigh rash? Story of my current life.

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  54. Um, I totally understand. My sister finally talked me into running a half-marathon with her (whyy?????) and for the first few weeks of my training, my legs were bleeding a little from the chafing of my inner thighs. Gross, I know. But it hasn't happened in a while, so either I'm losing inches off my thighs or my skin is just toughening up like a crocodile. I hope it's the former haha. ;)

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  55. Old Navy has active gear and I would recommend their compression (or regular) capris. No embarrassing lion scrunch to deal with and there's no chafing from your thighs rubbing together. Win win all around!

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  56. Preach girl! This. Happens. To. Me. All. Of. The. Time. I hate my thighs. It's almost like the "new" deodorant check. The crotch pull. This is why I loathe wearing shorts. And it's not like I can choose where the extra baggage comes off when I work out. I feel like I am destined to never have a thigh gap. No lie, sometimes I wear the boy cut Spanks if shorts are inevitable and I don't want a huge rub rash. It hurtsss! Here's to not being alone!

    xoxo,
    Amanda
    The Pretty Pinhead

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  57. I feel your pain! I NEVER run in shorts for this very reason!

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  58. My vagina often eats my shorts. It's why I have an extra chin, really.

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