The Do's and Don'ts of Cooking a Nice Dinner

The good lord blessed me with many strengths. I can catch a bottle mid-air, right before it hits the ground. I'm really good at picking the perfect emoji at the perfect time. I have nothing but sheer patience when I go shopping at Forever 21. I can parallel park. I'm really good at drinking beer. Like I said, many strengths. 
One strength I was not blessed with is cooking. It's not that I can't cook... well ok it's that I can't cook. I just don't know what to do. I was never taught the cooking ropes when I was a kid, mainly because I was either on the basketball court, or on the couch watching Saved by the Bell reruns. 
The grocery store is a scary place for me. I go to exactly 4 sections in the grocery store: 1. Bagged Navel Oranges 2. Wine (duh) 3. Breakfast Bars 4. Frozen Dinners
Sure there is the occasional time I get wild and crazy and hit up the canned soup aisle or venture over to get some fat free feta if it is on special for 2/$5, but it is usually just in-and-out grabbing all of the lean cuisines I can fit in my cart. 
All this buildup is just really to make it clear to you how big of a deal it is when I make a meal that doesn't involve a microwave. 
Yesterday, I made a meal that didn't involve a microwave... and here is my story. 

also: no judgey faces. I know there is a lot of crap on the table.  I just moved in and have been gone all of July, sheesh.  

I recommend this one for the steak. Because us newbie cooks need all the humor we can get! And I was one lucky duck because my girl Magen and her mom helped me with the recipe for the sides and dessert! 

 

 -- And by easy, I mean I set the fire alarm off.  --

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Dumb, loser.

There have been several specific incidents I've done lately that make me feel like the dumbest human alive. As I hear the stupid comments fall out of my mouth, unable to stop the personal train wreck that has already commenced, I cringe realizing how dumb I just sounded.

But it got me thinking, what else do I do that makes me feel like a dumb loser?

1. When someone watches me do basic addition: The other day I had to order food for work. The BBQ delivery man handed me my receipt and asked me to sign. Total was $44.81. Left a $9.00 tip. Then it came time to add it all together and I could feel his eyes on me like lazer beams. I started to sweat and second guess my work... $53.81 total. $53.81 right?If I was tipping $10 + $44 would be $54, minus $1 brings it to $53, right? Right? RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT? 

Dumb, loser.

2. Multiplication: My Boss: "So we have 7 nights worth of hotel rooms in Miami, and 8 of the guys from Japan flying in on Monday, and 2 more on Friday. Each room is $232 a night. So that brings our total tooooo what? Sarah, just off the top of your head, what's our rough total?"

Um. Um. Uh, carry the 4, add the 9, put the 0 on the second line, add those two lines together, total plus equals times 6... um um um....

I know you aren't going to believe me when I say I was good in math in college..... but I was given a calculator.

Dumb, loser.

3. When I can't tell where a line starts: 
*sees people lined up from all different angles*

Me: "Ma'am are you in line?"
Them: "YEAH"

Walks over to the middle....

Me: "Excuse me, miss, are you in line?"
Them:"Yup."

Walks over to the other side...

Me: "Sir, are you in line for the register?"
Them:"Yes."

Me: "Hi, are you in line?"
Them: "Line ends back there." Points to a group of 12 people scattered around, lacking any sign, what so ever, of single file formation. 

Dumb, loser.

4. When I push instead of pull. Well, actually, doors in general: The other day I got a spray tan, the girl behind the counter thanked me and smiled, I waved back, then pushed my shoulder into a door that didn't budge. I stumbled back a bit, looked up and noticed a large sign that said USE OTHER DOOR.

I then felt the need to tell the girl behind the counter my reasoning for pushing that door, as if it was something other than I'm a gigantic moron... "Oh this door worked for me just yesterday (I wasn't there yesterday) is this a new thing you're trying out with the door exiting system?! I will remember this next time, for sure!"

Dumb, loser. 

5. Can't figure out the phones At work: I accidentally hangup every time I put someone on hold. I can't transfer calls. I can't figure out how to successfully use the intercom. I somehow manage to get the speaker phone turned on right in the middle of listening to voicemails. Yet everyone else at work has zero problems using the phones...

Dumb, loser.

6. Trying to read a map: I'm a firm believer that north is always straight ahead of you. Always. South is behind you, east is to your right and west is to your left. That is how it works. At all times.

Dumb, loser. 

7. Left on red from a one way to a one way: Ok, I'm on a one way road right now, correct? And I'm trying to go left, correct? And that road I'm trying to go on is one way too, correct? And the light is red, but there is no traffic at all, so I can go now, correct?

*sits with left turn signal on for 5 minutes waiting for light to change to green*

Dumb, loser. 

8. Tripping: The other day I was walking up to a bar, through grass, wearing heels. I twisted my ankle and stumbled when I stepped in a hole in the ground. Immediately turned around, walked right back to my car and left the premises.

Dumb, loser. 

9. Working with tools / building things: 
Dude: "Can you pass me a bolt and also a phillips head screw driver?"
Me: "Ummmmmmm...."

Dumb, loser. 

10. When people talk about scents or taste notes: "What flavor stands out most to you in this pinot noir? Is it the cherry flavor? Or is it the hearty floral tones? Or maybe it is that sweet vanilla with a hint of black pepper that stands out to you?"

Me: "Umm.... the wine flavor?"

Dumb, loser.

11. Crosswalks in big cities: Everyone walks when there is clearly a big red hand telling us to HALT! But I don't walk, and everyone whizzes past me. But guys, there is a big red hand!

Me: "Uhh you guys go ahead I'm just gonna sit this one out. I'll get with you guys next time"

Dumb, loser.

Do you do anything that makes you feel like a total dumb loser? Or is it just me....

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How To Not Suck at Halloween

As I was thinking about what I would write about for this Halloween post, I realized how bad I suck at Halloween. Then I thought, come on Sarah, you can't write about how bad you suck at Halloween, you always write about how bad you suck at everything like Photography and Pinterest and DIY. But guess what, I'm going to do it anyway because I think people like an honest, hardworkin' man that struggles and isn't perfect. Or, that is what I'm going to tell myself.

1. Don't go as a Pirate. 

No one who ever went as a Party City Pirate won a Pulitzer. 

2. Don't go as a pale pirate

Spray tan is your friend

3. Don't go as a pirate trio

^^^^^^^Y'all look like morons. 

4. Put in a minor amount of effort

The Goodwill an hour and a half before the party is not a costume shop. "Cool little league baseball costume including used wrist sweat band," said no one ever.

5. Don't be a baby part salesman

Strangest thing I've ever seen. I don't know any of these people, but I have a picture for some reason...

6. When Halloween is over, be sure to put up your decorations.

Or else your friends will find them around your house and make fun of you come February.

7. If you actually have a cute costume, and you put in some effort, photograph the dang thing

Otherwise when you start a blog 7 years later you won't have anything show show for yourself when your friend Helene asks you to co-host a Halloween linkup. 

8. Don't dress your dog up as Tom Brady

It isn't fair to your dog. 

9. Do dress your dogs up in as many costumes as possible in the month of October

They are all adorable. Buy all the dog costumes.  

What tips would you add to the list of ways not to suck at Halloween?

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#NailedIt

You know how you stumble on blog posts that just ooze creativity and make you say, "Oh my gosh, what a genius idea!" 

This post is the exact opposite. I have no idea how to do these things on Pinterest. I follow the tutorials, I try and recreate the images I see that seem easy enough, I follow each step meticulously... yet mine looks nothing like theirs. What gives? 

1. Clean, bright, artistic and trendy office spaces with character and flare. 

Damn you Glitter Guide. Damn you and your Style at Home Pinterest Boards. All of the office spaces I pin are so clean, chic, effortlessly beautiful bright and feminine. And most importantly, they all look so simple. Get some big fashion books, an odd item turned paperweight, a quote that makes no sense to anyone and a cup of pens. I have all of those things, yet mine looks nothing like theirs. No one would ever repin mine :(

2. Recreate a consistent cat eye

I cannot do a good cat eye to save my life. Why is the left eye is so much harder than the right eye? The left cat eye always points down instead of up, no matter how high I attempt to make the cat eye go. Mother trucker. How are you people getting this right every time?? I followed your dang steps. Why is my eye pointing downward and yours is pointing upward??

3. Why Can't I Make my planner look like your planner?

I own washi tape, and highlighters, and colored pens... but I just feel weird putting tape in my notebook. And at what point am I just highlighting the entire book? I feel like the boy who cried highlight, what if I highlight everything and then when I really need to do something that is highlighted, I ignore it.

4. Why are all the homes on Pinterest so white? How do they stay so white?

White walls, white floors, white couches, white cups, white pillows, white rugs, white chairs, white lights, white picture frames, with pops of color that would even impress the color blind dude down the street. These people make me feel like I live in the taupe dungeon from hell.

5. How can you afford all these furnishings for your place? 

I think I make a pretty comfortable living. I work hard, I try to save, I have more than one job, yet a couch or large piece of furniture would wipe me dry after bills, rent and savings. I just got this new apartment, bought a new couch and I'm done for a few months. What are these people's professions? Cowboy-astronaut- big shot- millionaires? Well, at least my couch is white. That is a good start.

6. Making these fake phones for iphones look so cute.

 Mine just looks like a cheap fake phone. Theirs looks like a bronze beacon of fabulocity.

7. Braids

How are you getting them so thick? I have THICK hair. Very thick hair. Mine look woven noodles. Theirs looks like woven poop (woven poop in a good way).

8. Amazing pictures of NOTHING. 

These girls on Pinterest that can throw 4 totally random objects in a picture and I'm repining it like a mindless fool. I can't tell you how many times I've repinned a keyboard with some cheap headphones plugged in and a pen sitting on top of a sheet of looseleaf.

Dang it. Stupid Pinterest.

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The Lion Scrunch

Let's talk about the grossest thing happening on my body right now. My thighs. When I walk, I have to waddle a bit because it burns when they rub together in this 104 degree Texas heat. I know what you're thinking right now, "Gosh, this girl must be a dude magnet." Yes, I am. I don't always begin a conversation by discussing my ham hock thighs, just when I want to put my best foot forward. 

Ba-dum-ch! 

Besides the pain of the inner thigh rash, I have another problem. Anytime I'm wearing shorts, the inner part of the short rides up into my crotch. I'm forced to either stick my hands up in between my legs and pull the shorts out of my crotch every six seconds, or walk duck-like in hopes that it will naturally fall out from in-between my legs. When I was running today, it looked like I was playing treadmill hopscotch I was running so wide legged. The entire 30 minutes all I could think is, "If I ever make it off this treadmill alive, I'm buying all the stock in workout leggings".

Holy geeze I just put my pajama boxer middle wedgie on the internet. If that isn't motivation to lose weight well then my middle name ain't Billy Bob.

Am I wearing the wrong shorts?? Do I walk incorrectly? Am I a freak and no one else has this problem?? I need to know how to fix this in the short term, because after I finish couch to 5k I will look like this and won't have such blue collar problems.

I would be willing to bet any amount of money that this chick's 16 year old pajama boxers don't scrunch up into her lady area when she walks. 

So I'm sure you have heard of "camel toe"... well I'm going to call this the lion scrunch. Because you are lion if you think you don't look totally disgusting with your shorts scrunched up in your crotch. I guess I now understand why the olympic athletes run so funny. If they didn't, their shorts would be riding up into their va-jay-jay on national television!

Come back next time as I explore the world of the extra skin hangover-your-elbow arm flap. Followed by the ever popular, "Did your knee cap get hit with a line drive bowling ball, why is it so swollen?" 

 

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