Venus Trapped in Mars

16 April 2014

Dumb, loser.

There have been several specific incidents I've done lately that make me feel like the dumbest human alive. As I hear the stupid comments fall out of my mouth, unable to stop the personal train wreck that has already commenced, I cringe realizing how dumb I just sounded.

But it got me thinking, what else do I do that makes me feel like a dumb loser?



1. When someone watches me do basic addition: The other day I had to order food for work. The BBQ delivery man handed me my receipt and asked me to sign. Total was $44.81. Left a $9.00 tip. Then it came time to add it all together and I could feel his eyes on me like lazer beams. I started to sweat and second guess my work... $53.81 total. $53.81 right?If I was tipping $10 + $44 would be $54, minus $1 brings it to $53, right? Right? RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT? 

Dumb, loser.




2. Multiplication: My Boss: "So we have 7 nights worth of hotel rooms in Miami, and 8 of the guys from Japan flying in on Monday, and 2 more on Friday. Each room is $232 a night. So that brings our total tooooo what? Sarah, just off the top of your head, what's our rough total?"

Um. Um. Uh, carry the 4, add the 9, put the 0 on the second line, add those two lines together, total plus equals times 6... um um um....






I know you aren't going to believe me when I say I was good in math in college..... but I was given a calculator.

Dumb, loser.




3. When I can't tell where a line starts: 
*sees people lined up from all different angles*

Me: "Ma'am are you in line?"
Them: "YEAH"

Walks over to the middle....

Me: "Excuse me, miss, are you in line?"
Them:"Yup."

Walks over to the other side...

Me: "Sir, are you in line for the register?"
Them:"Yes."

Me: "Hi, are you in line?"
Them: "Line ends back there." Points to a group of 12 people scattered around, lacking any sign, what so ever, of single file formation. 

Dumb, loser.




4. When I push instead of pull. Well, actually, doors in general: The other day I got a spray tan, the girl behind the counter thanked me and smiled, I waved back, then pushed my shoulder into a door that didn't budge. I stumbled back a bit, looked up and noticed a large sign that said USE OTHER DOOR.

I then felt the need to tell the girl behind the counter my reasoning for pushing that door, as if it was something other than I'm a gigantic moron... "Oh this door worked for me just yesterday (I wasn't there yesterday) is this a new thing you're trying out with the door exiting system?! I will remember this next time, for sure!"

Dumb, loser. 




5. Can't figure out the phones At work: I accidentally hangup every time I put someone on hold. I can't transfer calls. I can't figure out how to successfully use the intercom. I somehow manage to get the speaker phone turned on right in the middle of listening to voicemails. Yet everyone else at work has zero problems using the phones...

Dumb, loser.




6. Trying to read a map: I'm a firm believer that north is always straight ahead of you. Always. South is behind you, east is to your right and west is to your left. That is how it works. At all times.

Dumb, loser. 






7. Left on red from a one way to a one way: Ok, I'm on a one way road right now, correct? And I'm trying to go left, correct? And that road I'm trying to go on is one way too, correct? And the light is red, but there is no traffic at all, so I can go now, correct?

*sits with left turn signal on for 5 minutes waiting for light to change to green*

Dumb, loser. 




8. Tripping: The other day I was walking up to a bar, through grass, wearing heels. I twisted my ankle and stumbled when I stepped in a hole in the ground. Immediately turned around, walked right back to my car and left the premises.

Dumb, loser. 




9. Working with tools / building things: 
Dude: "Can you pass me a bolt and also a phillips head screw driver?"
Me: "Ummmmmmm...."

Dumb, loser. 




10. When people talk about scents or taste notes: "What flavor stands out most to you in this pinot noir? Is it the cherry flavor? Or is it the hearty floral tones? Or maybe it is that sweet vanilla with a hint of black pepper that stands out to you?"

Me: "Umm.... the wine flavor?"

Dumb, loser.




11. Crosswalks in big cities: Everyone walks when there is clearly a big red hand telling us to HALT! But I don't walk, and everyone whizzes past me. But guys, there is a big red hand!

Me: "Uhh you guys go ahead I'm just gonna sit this one out. I'll get with you guys next time"

Dumb, loser.



Do you do anything that makes you feel like a total dumb loser? Or is it just me....

78 comments :

  1. #9! I have so done this on numerous occasions.

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  2. I am right there with you on needing a calculator. I did alright in college math but had a calculator

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  4. First of all, none of these things make you a dumb loser. I think you're quite the opposite. Secondly, I do about half of the things on this list pretty regularly. Dumb and loser, no. Character, yes!

    How about this one:

    You write a blog that loads of people love and make complete strangers laugh and smile.
    Awesome Winner.

    PS - Thanks for the advice on what to wear to a NASCAR race...it came in handy this past weekend...

    V @ Life+1
    New Post : A NASCAR Kind of Day

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    1. This was the kindest comment. Thank you so much, you put a big grin on my face. I just went to your blog... you did that ride around at ATL motor speedway!?!? Was it amazing!?!????

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  5. Haha, I really enjoyed this. I think my worst "dumb loser" thing is waving to someone who was waving to someone behind you.

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    1. Oh my dear lord yes. And then when you realize they aren't waving at you, you are forced to do some awkward arm wiggle to make it look like you weren't actually waving at them.

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  6. I just died reading this...LOL! I can literally relate to every single one of these!! #dumbgirlsunite ;)

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    1. We may be smart at many things, but we are all entitled to our lapses in intelligence, right?!!?

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  7. as for maps, we got maps that talk now! who cares!

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    1. Thank goodness, otherwise I would constantly be driving North at all times!

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  8. I def need a calculator and thank goodness for my navigation system because if I had to read a map I would never get to my destination.

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    1. I thank my lucky stars every day for navigation systems. Imagine if we still had to use mapquest!!

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  9. Oh God, I'm the worst at doors. And mental math. And maps/directions. (I routinely thank God for the invention of GPS.) Also, I have a Blackberry for work (why???) and I can barely use it. I hang up on doctors all the time, because clearly, I am a consummate professional. Other dumb things that I "enjoy" doing include waving to people who weren't actually waving to me, stopping at intersections in Philadelphia because I think there are stop signs but there aren't, ordering movie tickets for the wrong night on Fandango, and spilling food on myself.

    High five!

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  10. I walk out of a store at the mall and turn the same way I just came in from. Then have to cut across mall traffic to make that u-turn. Dumb loser. lol You aren't the only one!

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  11. Math and geography are 2 of my biggest downfalls. Dont even get my husband started on my lack of skills in those departments.

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  12. The line thing is the WORST. It's not a line if people are doing the floaty-dance-cluster. It drives me crazy.

    I totally feel you on the maps though. B is in the Army, so it's his job to read maps. Whenever we're out hiking, he can tell me exactly where we are and how to get where we're going... I'm like uhhh I'm just going to follow this trail... if it goes away, I'm screwed.

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  13. Look, we all do stuff that makes us feel dumb. I work in research, and even if I have read a paper from TOP to BOTTOM, the second my boss asks me something about it, I blank. And if I'm asked to do any kind of math in my head, on the spot, I can't. Doesn't make me (or you) a dumb loser - just makes us human! Besides, anyone who can break down the game of baseball and actually make it sound interesting to me must have something going for them.

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  14. Hahaha! I love this! If it makes you feel any better, one of my best friends was a math major in college and she had to make me do her basic math for her. When it comes to equations with letters and symbols I've never seen before? No problem. But 17 + 5? Nope.

    Most of these I do as well, and none of them make you dumb! In my opinion, the people who can't form a line are the dumb ones! Haha!

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  15. Oh god, the adding and multiplying?! DUMB LOSER RIGHT HERE. I swear, I just can't get it under control.

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    1. My 2nd grade times table memories are gone. Poof! Gone! Never to return again.

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  16. Same way with the Math issue...I was at the post office yesterday to mail a larger envelope, I already had the stamps but needed to know how many. Well she told me it would be $1.65 to ship it and to add my stamps to it...I broke out in hives and was like I don't even know how much stamps are right now, is 6 good? I have no clue, cant you just tell me how many stamps it takes haaaaaa

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  17. hhahaha i'm all of these. especially math. i look exactly like venus. that pic of her is pretty awesome by the way. except lines. im a big line cutter. we cut lines multiple times while on the cruise. oops.

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  18. I love everything about this. And I can't do basic math even WITH a calculator. Dumb, loser.

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  19. 10 is me for sure. I really can't drink with sophisticated people. I mean, I consider it high rolling if my bottle of wine costs over $10, so yeah... the "wine flavor" is what I tend to notice too.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  20. Calculators have made my life 100x easier! I despise doing basic math and still have to count on my hands to do it. So embarrassing!

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  21. Definitely math!! lol I always feel like a dummy just staring at the numbers like they are going to add themselves together! Seriously thats why calculators were invented!

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  22. I agree with just about every thing on this post... because I am guilty of them all! I especially love when the hubby asks for a tool and I basically just get a deer in headlights look on my face and wait for him to more properly explain what "X tool" looks like so that I can find it in his massive tool bag!

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    1. But really, at what point will they simply stop asking us to help with these kinds of things? I know what a hammer looks like, and that is about it. The rest you'll need to get on your own, I'm out!

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  23. YES! Are there people that can multiply like that FOR REAL in their heads? That's not normal, that equals math genius to me. I still, in fact, count on my fingers. Also, the compass is correct, North is always in the front of me, which means I am lost, always. I'm dumb;)

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  24. Math and doors! Last week I was going through a revolving door in a big office building and COULDN'T GET IT TO MOVE. Like 3 people saw me try and fail and stand there dumbfounded until another person went through with no problem and I just went right behind them. Dumb, loser.

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  25. So much funnnnny I can't even pick one that stands out because I'm guilty of all...
    Except I'm good at working phones.... so there's that.

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  26. Oh my goodness. Math, totes not my forte. I always feel like a DUMB LOSER any time someone asks me to do math. nope, not happening.

    Also, the phone thing? I'm with you. I learned how to transfer calls last week after two years of hanging up on people.

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  27. I'm with you on the wine! I went wine tasting over the weekend, and I got SO excited because I could actually pick out a taste from the sip--so of course I said, "the pepper really stands out!" The wine tasting girl just looked at me like I had said the dumbest, most obvious thing in the history of wine tasting.

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  28. All of this. ALL OF IT. I do the same thing.

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  29. bahahahahaha! These all made me LAUGH so hard. I can pretty much relate to all of them. My favorite is you trying to get out of the tanning salon, and feeling the need to explain yourself to the lady. lol I swear I do that all the time, and then just shake my head at myself after. lol

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  30. This is funny!! But you aren't a dumb loser at all ;)

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  31. You are just so funny! I am in total agreence with doors and that north should always be straight ahead {especially at night when I can't see a thing}!

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  32. That whole math thing, yeah that's definitely me. I always just pretend to think about it, because 100% of the time someone else will be able to come up with an answer faster than me. "Yep, that's it".

    I am so directionally challenged too - I went for lunch the other day with someone who told me not to follow the directions google maps gave me and the stress was ridiculous. Definitely followed google maps anyway.

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    1. told you NOT to follow google maps? People like that kill me. Was it a dude? Did they say turn left, right, right, right, another left, left, a third left and keep going 7 miles and it is on your right..... Oh ok sure, I'll remember that. NOT.

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  33. I literally sweat EVERY time I have to transfer someone at work -still- three years later. STILL. And sometimes I still hang up on them, then when they call back and I have to answer I always contemplate using a different name.

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  34. Omg.... number 8!!! I trip all the time and I will totally just turn around and leave. Lol... glad I'm not the only one!

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  35. I'm dying! I love wine, but I cannot tell you any specific flavors in the stuff I drink. I thought wine was a flavor...

    I suck at transferring calls at work. I always give people the number to call themselves. How about that for customer service?

    Why do they need two doors when you can only use one? That's my question!!!

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  36. 10 10 10! Also, I'm terrible at math - I count with my fingers whenever possible.

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  37. Why are office phones so complicated to figure out! And I would have definitely needed a calculator to solve that problem!

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    1. Is a cheat sheet too much to ask for? If there are more than 5 buttons... we deserve a cheat sheet!

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  38. Almost every single one of these describes my life perfectly.

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  39. With my new job, I’ve become a total jerk about the push vs. pull. The doors into and out of the lemur exhibit say push in big bright orange letters. But people don’t read it. Instead, they jimmy with the lock, or try to pull. I’m an asshole because I wait for them to figure out that they need to push and then laugh when they finally get it.

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  40. I can't tell you how many time I have done #4

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  41. I get crazy paranoid when people are watching me parallel park. It makes me feel like a female driver and an idiot. Damn you, stereotypes!

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  42. I know you hate when people say LOL, but I really did laugh out loud on some of these, so it's okay right? Also, I may have to do my own post on this... if that's okay with you of course!

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  43. You are not a dumb loser at all. Im a lawyer and number freak the bejeezus out of me. Once the number has more than one digit I need a calculator!

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  44. Always, always #4. You would think at some point that I would have learned how to open a door, but no.

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  45. Hi there! I stumbled upon your blog from Bloglovin and was curious what the post would be about, anticipating that there would be some sort of happy ending to it. I was a bit sad at the end, and maybe I didn't get the point of the post, but I hate to see anyone put themselves down so many times and use labels like 'dumb' and 'loser'. As humans, we are all imperfect, and we live in an imperfect world. Having these quirks, making mistakes or just simply lacking talent in a certain area (math for me as well!) does not make you dumb, or a loser. It just makes you who you are, and I'm sure you're a smart, funny and beautiful person. I hope you see that in yourself and move onwards to write posts about your strengths and securities- we need that more in a world that is constantly bringing us down! :)

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    1. Hey Michelle!! I really appreciate the kind message. And I actually do agree with you, promoting inner strength and inner security is very very important. I have many posts where I discuss strengths as well as weaknesses I have. Sometimes I even like to showcase my vulnerabilities and discuss with everyone how I plan to overcome them! If you stick around you will see that I am a very happy and bubbly person, I intended this post to be light-hearted and humorous, but it is possible I used poor word choices. Either way, I always welcome feedback, and I truly appreciate the comment :)

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  46. Okay addition and multiplication though... I HATE tipping, especially taxis because you only get a few seconds and the meter changes up till the last minute. I always have my phone calculator at the ready and am cold-sweating it up, ha!

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  47. Hee, I had the hardest time learning to use the phones at my old job (and my current job too, actually). Why can't things just be simple??

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  48. Hi Sarah!! Aww your not a dumb loser lol! Every one is different. :) Your graphic skills are beyond awesome! I honestly couldn't even dream of doing half the stuff I see on photo shop. Your awesome girly. And you know something, if someone see's you use the wrong door or has to wait for you to do the math- that's their freakin' problem. And if its any constellation, if the #'s are odd #'s I have to count on my fingers for the tip/total too. Whatever! #Notmyproblem.. right? :P XOXO

    Lisa,xo

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  49. omg, i know what you mean about building things -- i always end up frustrated and exhausted!!!

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  50. Directions, ugh! Especially when the GPS says "go NW on this road". Um, could you be more specific because I have no idea which way NW is!

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  51. Sweet Jesus! So I'm not the only one who feels like a loser for not being able to work the phones at work & I second guess my calculations too, lol. Soo glad I'm not alone in this!

    www.jmariesharp.blogspot.com

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  52. I've never heard anyone else think that north is always right in front of you. I'm so happy at this moment for no longer feeling alone. But seriously, how do people know the right directions?!

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  53. crosswalks, that is so me, and I count with my fingers when frazzled making me a dumb loser. The most awesome one of all walking into the patio door or patio screen and bouncing back, praying no one noticed. Dumb loser.

    Lindaandkent1@gmail.com

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  54. Tripping, oh heck yes, and I ask people all the time if they are in line - it gets bad when they actually work there!

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  55. I so don't understand our phones at all. I have to basically tell someone to call back if they need transferred. oops.

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  56. Dumb loser.. I have been such a DL ever since I started work. I have a new manager and he has taken it upon himself to tease me at every chance he gets aka after every dumb dumb thing I say or do.. Which means, I'm constantly being teased. I feel so stuuuupid. I suck at math, I do the exact same thing; start sweating, get all worked up when I'm on the spot like that!

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  57. Oh God, I'm so terrible at simple addition and multiplication. And I'm a waitress, so I need to use those icky things occasionally, and sometimes in front of customers. (Oh, and I totally face-planted in the parking lot my first day of work, in front of everyone. So there's that.)
    http://fromcubicletokitchen.blogspot.com

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  58. I trip all of the time and it seems my toddler has inherited that trait.

    And who needs a map anymore?? That's why we have talking gps!!

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  59. I totally freak out and feel like an idiot any time I have to order food when there are other people besides restaurant employees around. I'm all nervous I'm going to mess up the order or say the foods wrong or just straight up order the wrong thing or something. Also when I have to give someone else directions. Nine and a half times out of ten, I can figure out where I'm going just fine, even if I've never been there before. But the second I am out of the driver's seat/no longer in control of the vehicle, I turn into a useless idiot who just gets everybody lost.

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  60. You are definitely not alone, I do pretty much all of those too!

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  61. I'm really into movies and baseball. So then people automatically assume I know everyone and everything about either subject and they'll just start talking to me about some player as if I should know exactly who they are and I don't and I feel like a dumb loser.

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  62. Wait. I had no idea you could left on red when it's a one way street. How did nobody teach me that in driver's ed!?

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  63. I'm an ACCOUNTANT and people just assume I should be the one to do math in my head to split the bill at restaurants. Guy, accountants don't "do" math. We just like, format things in Excel or something.
    Also, anything that requires coordination, as I am not coordinatioed.

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  64. I really wish all doors were automatic so I wouldn't push when I'm supposed to pull.

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  65. !! I love your blog. This is a cool site and I wanted to post a little note to tell you, good job! Best wishes!
    opslagruimte

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  66. Oh man, today at school I tried to divide the class up in groups of three and couldn't figure out how many groups that would make! LOL :D

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  67. I'm actually good at doing math in my head, until you put me on the spot, then my brain just shuts right down. Push instead of pull doors get me every time. I will never understand the phones at work. And finally the taste note thing. I stopped talking about it because I felt like the loser since I am the only one that I know who thinks about those things, or cares, it's also why I started a Blog.

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