In the wee hours of last Saturday morning, I shook CB as hard as I could until he woke up.
"CB, CB, CB... hey!! HEY!! Wake up!!!" I exclaimed.
(Also, no, I don't call him CB. This nickname thing is just as tedious for me as it is for you, but I sure am glad I have someone to make things tedious!)
I was in a state of panic. The way you wake up in the middle of the night in a state of sheer panic over money or forgetting to pay an important bill, or responsibilities you have at work that you forgot to handle during the day. I was in that kind of panic. But it wasn't over money, it wasn't over bills, it wasn't over work.... it was over my wisdom teeth.
Me: "CB... CBBBBBBB!"
CB: "I'm awake, what's up babe?"
Me: "Do you still have your wisdom teeth????????"
CB: "No, I had them removed when I was like 18 or 19."
Me: "I'm FREAKING out. I have to go to the dentist, I just remembered I STILL HAVE MINE."
CB: "Ok, Sar. It'll be ok in the morning."
Me: "I feel like I need to go right now. What if all my teeth fall out tonight????? I haven't been to the dentist in so long! What am I going to do???"
CB: *soft snores purr from his mouth*
Me: "CB? Hello? Are you asleep?"
Needless to say, when I woke up I had forgotten the convo, and my towering fear over my teeth. I was reminded when I brushed my teeth that morning, and I giggled to myself at the ridiculousness. Here we are, almost a week later, I still haven't contacted the dentist.
Well two nights ago, it happened again. I sprung awake in an odd state of panic. Again, not over money or bills or work or even my wisdom teeth.... it was over Tiger Woods.
Yes, Tiger Woods had me awake at 3am (said every porn star ever.... ohhhh baaaazing!)
A very clear, very powerful revelation came to me in the middle of the night, regarding our recently fallen out of the top100 golf hero, Tiger Woods.
You should know, I'm not a Tiger Woods fan, I'm not a hater either. My favorites are Rickie, Rory and Sergio.... for anyone that is curious. So what I'm about to say is not coming from the mouth of a forever optimistic Tiger fan, or a bitter Tiger hater.
Tiger Woods doesn't just forget how to be Tiger Woods. Especially in a sport like GOLF. In basketball you slow down, can't jump as high, you might not be able to dunk after a certain age. But you can still hit that J. You can still weave in and out of people, breaking ankles. Michael Jordan doesn't just forget how to be Michael Jordan, assuming the Monstars aren't in town universe.
In golf you don't have people defending you, trying to steal the ball. Your shots aren't contested. It is just you and a ball, set up nice and pretty on a tee. No defense. Only offense. TIGER IS 39 YEARS OLD, THIS IS GOLF. A 75 YEAR OLD HIT A HOLE IN ONE YESTERDAY.
TIGER WOODS IS PLAYING US ALL.
I think, with all the terrible publicity he had with the strippers and the porn stars and the waitresses... he hired a publicist somewhere in the November/December 2013 timeframe. Mind you, Tiger was still number one in the WOLRD as of May 17, 2014.
I think that a publicist laid out a one year plan for Mr. Woods that looked a little something like this:
Step 1: Over the course of a full year (2014), progressively get worse and worse. Win one or two tournaments, letting people think you're fine, contend in several tournaments but lose in the last round. Around October, you should just SUCK intentionally at golf. ✓
Step 2: Plummet in rankings ✓
Step 3: Fire your swing coach for publicity. ✓
(You're freaking Tiger Woods, who knows golf better than you, no one that's who.)
Step 4: Say you're taking an indefinite break ✓
(by indefinite, I mean give it a month or two)
And the final pivotal, step. Just when you've gained the sympathy and support of everyone who thinks you've forgotten how to Tiger.
Step 5: Return to golf. Win the most important golf tournament of the year.
WIN. THE. MASTERS.
Sure I think he was hurt, for maybe a couple of months even. BUT I think he milked that injury, parlaying it into something else. Parlaying it into a comeback tale fit for a disney princess.
Mark my words, y'all. Tiger is back. He had his KIDS CADDY FOR HIM YESTERDAY. Do you smell the publicity I'm stepping in over here??
For the record, I still want Rickie, Rory or Sergio. But now my interest is peaked thanks to being awake at 3am.