Venus Trapped in Mars

09 April 2015

Tiger Is Playing Us All

In the wee hours of last Saturday morning, I shook CB as hard as I could until he woke up. 
"CB, CB, CB... hey!! HEY!! Wake up!!!" I exclaimed. 
(Also, no, I don't call him CB. This nickname thing is just as tedious for me as it is for you, but I sure am glad I have someone to make things tedious!)

I was in a state of panic. The way you wake up in the middle of the night in a state of sheer panic over money or forgetting to pay an important bill, or responsibilities you have at work that you forgot to handle during the day. I was in that kind of panic. But it wasn't over money, it wasn't over bills, it wasn't over work.... it was over my wisdom teeth.

CB: "I'm awake, what's up babe?"

Me: "Do you still have your wisdom teeth????????"

CB: "No, I had them removed when I was like 18 or 19." 

Me: "I'm FREAKING out. I have to go to the dentist, I just remembered I STILL HAVE MINE."
CB: "Ok, Sar. It'll be ok in the morning."
Me: "I feel like I need to go right now. What if all my teeth fall out tonight????? I haven't been to the dentist in so long! What am I going to do???
CB: *soft snores purr from his mouth*
Me: "CB? Hello? Are you asleep?"

Needless to say, when I woke up I had forgotten the convo, and my towering fear over my teeth. I was reminded when I brushed my teeth that morning, and I giggled to myself at the ridiculousness. Here we are, almost a week later, I still haven't contacted the dentist. 

Well two nights ago, it happened again. I sprung awake in an odd state of panic. Again, not over money or bills or work or even my wisdom teeth.... it was over Tiger Woods. 

Yes, Tiger Woods had me awake at 3am (said every porn star ever.... ohhhh baaaazing!

A very clear, very powerful revelation came to me in the middle of the night, regarding our recently fallen out of the top100 golf hero, Tiger Woods. 

You should know, I'm not a Tiger Woods fan, I'm not a hater either. My favorites are Rickie, Rory and Sergio.... for anyone that is curious. So what I'm about to say is not coming from the mouth of a forever optimistic Tiger fan, or a bitter Tiger hater.  

Image via
Tiger Woods doesn't just forget how to be Tiger Woods. Especially in a sport like GOLF. In basketball you slow down, can't jump as high, you might not be able to dunk after a certain age. But you can still hit that J. You can still weave in and out of people, breaking ankles. Michael Jordan doesn't just forget how to be Michael Jordan, assuming the Monstars aren't in town universe. 

In golf you don't have people defending you, trying to steal the ball. Your shots aren't contested. It is just you and a ball, set up nice and pretty on a tee. No defense. Only offense. TIGER IS 39 YEARS OLD, THIS IS GOLF. A 75 YEAR OLD HIT A HOLE IN ONE YESTERDAY. 


I think, with all the terrible publicity he had with the strippers and the porn stars and the waitresses... he hired a publicist somewhere in the November/December 2013 timeframe. Mind you, Tiger was still number one in the WOLRD as of May 17, 2014. 
I think that a publicist laid out a one year plan for Mr. Woods that looked a little something like this:

Step 1: Over the course of a full year (2014), progressively get worse and worse. Win one or two tournaments, letting people think you're fine, contend in several tournaments but lose in the last round. Around October, you should just SUCK intentionally at golf. ✓

Step 2: Plummet in rankings ✓

Step 3: Fire your swing coach for publicity. ✓
(You're freaking Tiger Woods, who knows golf better than you, no one that's who.)

Step 4: Say you're taking an indefinite break ✓
(by indefinite, I mean give it a month or two
And the final pivotal, step. Just when you've gained the sympathy and support of everyone who thinks you've forgotten how to Tiger.

... BAM...

Step 5: Return to golf. Win the most important golf tournament of the year.

Sure I think he was hurt, for maybe a couple of months even. BUT I think he milked that injury, parlaying it into something else. Parlaying it into a comeback tale fit for a disney princess. 
Mark my words, y'all. Tiger is back. He had his KIDS CADDY FOR HIM YESTERDAY. Do you smell the publicity I'm stepping in over here?? 
For the record, I still want Rickie, Rory or Sergio. But now my interest is peaked thanks to being awake at 3am. 
I'll work on those wisdom teeth if Tiger wins.... 



  1. Tiger better not win because my husband and I DID NOT include him in our Masters bet at the golf course. We need Rory, Sergio, Jordan, Phil, and Russel to make the big money this weekend!
    p.s. Jordan Speith is my husband's absolute's all he talks about. Should I be concerned?

  2. Hmm. I could actually see this. America loves a comeback story!

  3. My fiance is an unapologetic Tiger fanboy. He also likes Mike Tyson, R. Kelly, and every other creepy guy you can think of. I can definitely see what you're saying here and honestly, it'd be great for the sport if he won the Masters, so maybe, just maybe I'll root for him. Also, how cute was Jack Nicklaus?! He even predicted his hole-in-one like an absolute G.

  4. I have always been a fan of Tiger. I don't know about conspiracy theories, but I hope Tiger does well in the Tournament...and by doing well, I mean at least makes the cut! If he won, I would be ecstatic. I am also a fan of Rickie! Would love to see him win it all!

  5. Haha! I know nothing about Tiger Woods or golf BUT I'm pretty sure there is some sort of dream interpretation that has to do with the fear of your teeth falling out you may want to check out :)


    But seriously he's probably at home laughing all crazy like & saying, "I've got them right where I want them. MUAHAHAHAHA."

    Damn you Tiger.

  7. My husbands is a huge Tiger Woods fan so I just sent him the link to this page! He'll love it! I'm starting to love Jordan Speith more than any of them... it could be because he's a Longhorn. Just maybe! ;)

  8. the other day, my dad + I were watching Masters coverage + one of the guys said Phil had a chance because AUGUSTA IS KIND TO THE ELDERLY. so, I support your theory.

  9. I have crazy dream at night too.

  10. Hahaha to all of this. Baaaazing is right!

  11. I have to get my wisdom teeth out. All 4. I go for my consultation in a couple weeks. Not looking forward to this but I just spent a shit ton on Invisalign so I can't have them messing things up. SIGH.

  12. ooooo i like it. I think you might be on to something. also i need to get my god damn wisdom teeth out.

  13. I have no wisdom teeth, the one I had was embedded in my sinus and had to be removed via surgery in a hospital.................just saying also I don't get golf

  14. You were right about Duke, so I'm going to bet on you being right again.

  15. Kids caddying - total publicity stunt. And the general public is very, very forgiving for transgressions that Tiger was involved in. After all, one of our presidents was caught doing cigar tricks with an intern but he's still pretty beloved by a lot of people. If Tiger makes a comeback, he may get even more sponsors than he had before. You're on to something...............

  16. I'm catching up on posts in order, so I can't wait to read what you thought of the Texas kid breaking records!


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