Venus Trapped in Mars

11 June 2013

I'm Not a Beach Girl

Walking into the ocean during a rip tide is a brilliant combination of paralyzing and humiliating. When I say rip tide, I mean rip tides, plural. They work in teams of two, three or six, all depending on how long it takes you to regain your basic motor function, stand up and crawl away. Riptides are comedians putting on a show for every single douchebag in the sandy audience, chuckling with their friends over amstel lights and taking bets on how many cracks of the whip the big bad water is going to pile through until you can awkwardly doggie paddle it back to shore.

“Oh you will never see these people again. So who cares what you look like?” Lies we tell ourselves to overcome our fear of being fat in a bathing suit. Yeah, fear of being fat in a bathing suit, and getting our shit rocked by water.

One wave hits you, knocks your feet out from under you and then his younger sister comes and bitch slaps you across the face while you gobble up water like a turkey just weeks before Thanksgiving. You catch your breath, get to your knees thinking you are ok then BANG BANG you’re dead again when rip tide senior barely touches the back of your knees causing them to buckle in. Mrs. rip tide gives you a noogie just hard enough to leave you gasping, praying for a rescue.

When grandma rip tide rolls in, you crawl to your safety on shore with a battered ego and cynical outlook on life.

Don't even get me started on Alligators, Jelly Fish, Sharks, Electric Eels. 

Here are my top 5 places I recommend visiting if you hate the beach. 








Now who would like to house me when I come visit each of these cities instead of going to the beach?



Don't forget, today is the last day to enter to win $215 to STUB HUB! 


Venus Trapped

48 comments :

  1. I've never been to a beach but ill sure as hell go to Nashville with you. Home of country music has to be somewhat amazing!

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  2. I want to go to all these places and I'm super jeal. Take me there. (I wanna go there, take me there, let's go there...)


    ALSO I cheated and nominated you for a liebster. oops.

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  3. DUDE I thought we were homegirls. You not liking the beach is going to put a serious wrench in my fantasies of the oceanside cocktail hour we will one day share. But next time you're in NOLA holler atcha girl!

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  4. Yeah, I got caught by one of those on a school trip in Junior High, I've been wary of the ocean ever since. I still like the beach, but I only wade in to cool off. If I"m being honest, I much prefer a pool... with a bar.

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  5. There's nowhere I'd rather be than the beach!! And I can never go to Knoxville ever again. I thought I was going to have a heart attack driving through the NC mountains to get there. Chicago, though, I'm totally down for. I've never been there, but am DYING to.

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  6. Darn... beaches are my fave vacay locales. What a bummer that we'll never chill beach side. :)

    On another note, all I got in a condo in Alamo Heights (San Antonio). You're welcome to that if you come here. :)

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  7. Chicago is where it's at man! I hate the beach too. I hate sand, and I won't go in water if I can't see my feet.

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  8. you forgot to include DC and Baltimore..... but this list is still pretty good. I enjoy the beach personally, being in a bathing suit not so much!

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  9. kesha! K* E * DOLLAR $IGN * HA !!!! Y? BECAUSE I LOVE GLITTERRRRRRRR

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  10. ARROWMOOOOOOOOONT. Girl let's take a trip...anywhere? Everywhere looks good. We can play everclear pong.

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  11. I'm a Cali girl through and through. BUT! I like the beach itself, not the actual ocean. So we can still tan and sip cocktails without getting power blasted

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  12. OMG you're a piphi too! I LOVE IT!!!! Definitely go to the Dave concert this summer.

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  13. I didn't know you were a Pi Phi too!

    I need to get to Nashville and New Orleans asap!

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  14. LOL you had me laughing the first 3 secs in, how can I not follow? Following via Bloglovin! : )


    Ali of

    Dressing Ken

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  15. I'm sorry, you hate the beach? Hate is a strong word Sarah. Maybe we coulf just say you had a fight. You should try to resolve it. Hate... the beach?? My mind is officially blown.

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  16. I agree with you on the beach, but mostly because I get sunburned in about 36 seconds and hiding under an umbrella all day doesn't work. I can't house you in those cities because I don't live there, but you can come visit me any day. Just sayin.

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  17. but what about California beaches? they are so lovely!!

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  18. Well I happen to love the beach so you've lost me there a little. I do love me some New Orleans!!!

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  19. Can you write a book already?!?!? Everyday you are my entertainment during my hot minute of a lunch break-so thanks!!! xoxo

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  20. Gah. When I was a kid I got caught in a rip tide. I was yelling for help, flailing my arms in the air because I was about to die…and my loving family that is sitting on the shore WAVES BACK. They legit just thought I was waving to them and wasn’t near death. Then a lifeguard saved me.

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  21. you forgot portland. but i guess i have to let it slide since we're technically sisters. (ugh gross. i take it back, i just can't call other pi phi's my sister. i tired it didn't feel right and my real sister would be mad) ;)

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  22. Yes, yes, yes! Love the atmosphere of the beach, hate the actual beach. All that dang sand that gets everywhere we don't even want to imagine. And really, any reason to go to Nashville instead is a good reason to me.

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  23. YOU FORGOT OKAUCHEE, WISCONSIN - land of shannon and shitler.
    whatever.

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  24. Not...liking.... the beach?! How?....What?...?
    Well then I guess you can't come visit me in Huntington Beach! :P
    Good thing you're awesome in so many other ways, or I'd be very suspicious of you.

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  25. I hate the beach and I live in NYC - it really is great if you're not a beach girl. Though I didn't mind the beaches of Anguilla so much...:-P

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  26. I have been loving beach since I was born near shore ;) But I would LUUUUFF to visit Nashville { Miley Cyrus fandom}
    Noor's Place

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  27. I have not been to either of the TN places in this list... the rest of them I love though so I better get on it ASAP.

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  28. NOLA & NYC! I love how you just named my top two favorite cities :)

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  29. I love the idea of the beach, but not so much the beach itself. I hate sand, being sticky from salt water, and sand that sticks to you. Blech.

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  30. Interesting...last time I was in NYC the naked cowboy was white.

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  31. At 13, I went boogie boarding with my uncle, and my bikini top got pulled down as the wave swallowed me. I was scarred for life, but last year I decided to try again anyway. This time my bottoms fell down and filled themselves with sand.

    Yup.

    I'm done.

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  32. Duuuuuude. How could you diss the beach? You don't have to go in the water, just lay out in a newly purchased bikini and drink all day because that it totally socially acceptable whenever you are near a large body of water.

    Also, I live in Nashville. Heyooo! Too bad I don't do country music. But I do do other varieties of music that are live all the time everywhere, and I definitely do all the delicious restaurants happening around here.

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  33. Haha I'm DYING! I love the beach (its okay we can still be friend), but I have definitely had my fair share of rip-tide battles and lost many of them. I haven't been to any of those places besides NOLA, which is a blasty blast, of course. And even though I can't house you when you go to any of those places, I'd be happy to tag along with you and split the bill.

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  34. You forgot SAN FRANCISCO! Visit meeee :D

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  35. I'm going to Nashville in a few weeks, I can't wait!!

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  36. If you love Nash and Knox, you'll have to give Memphis and Beale Street a try. :)

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  37. Whaaaa- you must be a UT alum? (Sorry, newer reader)Me too! Have you been to DC- that is one of my top cities (along with all your others :))
    www.littlepinkdroppings.blogspot.com

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  38. NOLA is one of my favorite places! But any beach is still #1 to me!

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  39. I love the beach, but mainly for the sand, sun & umbrella drinks. You need to go out to Puerto Rico - barely any waves in the summer and the water is crystal clear & warm. Heaven :)

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  40. JUST FOUND YOUR BLOG!
    Now following!
    Looking forward to keeping up!

    xo
    Christina
    pieceitalltogetherx3.blogspot.com

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  41. I have been to all of those places minus Knoxville... But I do love me the beach. Even if I never go in the water, the feeling of sand between my toes is pretty awesome. But, to each their own!

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  42. Chicago is by far my favorite "big city", plus it has a pretty Great Lake there, so it's a win in my book.

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  43. It's like you read my mind! I just went to the beach Sunday with a guy I just started dating and some of his friends. I was thinking about how great it was going to be and how maybe he'll be like "Oh she's just so darn cute and she gets along with my friends so well!" WRONG. Because of those gah damn rip tides! I could barely even get to the place where his friends were so I literally just kind of floated away. Oh, and I CANNOT SWIM. And I'm deathly afraid of drowning! So basically three or four waves made me their biatch and attempted to steal my bottoms in the process. I quit.

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  44. i LOVE NYC and would love to visit NOLA one day!

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  45. I work in Nash. You can come hang out with me anytime! Does that count?

    Badluckjenn.blogspot.com

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