Venus Trapped in Mars || Dallas: 5 Things You Need to Know

Showing posts with label 5 Things You Need to Know. Show all posts

22 July 2016

The 5 Things You Need to Know Before You Go

It's a dark, dark morning for the blog world because HASHTAGS HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING FOR THE PAST 24 HOURS OMFGSDFSDFSDFDDFDDFDSDG!!!!

DID YOU HEAR ME? NO HASHTAGS!!!!!!

To directly quote someone that I don't know at all, "This is an absolute nightmare."

Y'all we gotta laugh at ourselves, how ridiculous do we sound? It's not that big of a deal. I read posts about people asking if they should take their photo down because they felt like it was such a waste of a great picture. I'm not judging, I get it, obviously I use hashtags. Just have a giggle from time to time about it, when you do you'll make your life a lot easier!

On to bigger and better things.... like these 5 Things You Need to Know Before You GO!

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Ray Rice went on the record saying if he could get back on an NFL roster, then he would be willing to donate his entire 2016 salary to domestic violence programs. Now you guys know my feelings on Ray Rice, but wait a second here. Should a team sign him, I would imagine he would still command a somewhat decent salary, certainly 6 figures, maybe even 7?

Would that be the worst thing in the world? First, and less importantly, we have disgusting douche nozzles like Greg A-Hole Hardy playing in the league. Ray Rice seems to show genuine remorse and even has gone so far as to be a public advocate against domestic violence.

Second, and most important, think about what that kind of money would do for these organizations that help victims of domestic violence. Think what 7 figures could do for these women and children. I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I think Ray Rice deserves a second chance and that these women and children deserve his 2016 salary.

What do you think?

Rio Olympics have already SET A RECORD, but it might not be a record you will guess. A record setting number of CONDOMS have been sent to RIO's Olympic Village. For those who don't know, the Olympics have a reputation for just being a sex free for all. In London, there was a report that Grindr actually crashed from overuse. Tinder is apparently out of control and chocked full of thousands of athletes trying to hook up with each other.

Here is a direct ESPN walk of shame quote from American Target Shooter Josh Lakatos, "Swear to god, the entire women's 4x100 relay team of some Scandinavian-looking country walks out of the house, followed by boys from our side. And I'm just going, 'Holy crap, we'd watched these girls run the night before.'"

Curious. Most curious.

Here are the numbers:
350,000 male condoms
100,000 female condoms
175,000 packets of lube

I'm giggling over here, for the record.

Check out Cam's Volleyball skillzzzzzz...
Or, maybe not.

Two time Masters Winner Bubba Watson has life figured out.... well, or just golf figured out. As much as I enjoy the wind blowing through my hair while in the passenger seat of a golf cart, I'd much prefer a ride in a jet pack!

What do you think? Will golf jet packing be the next big thing??

Ok I'm a bit late on this last story, but I still want to share it. If you watched the ESPYs last week, you woke up the next morning with red puffballs for eyes from crying so much. Seriously, I've never cried so hard at so many different stories. Happy, sad, inspiring, brilliant, heroic.... the ESPYs pulled at every heart string possible.

Arguably the best part of the show? Craig Sager's ESPY speech after being honored with the Jimmy V award. If you want to feel like you can do absolutely anything you set your mind to, then watch this video. You'll want to take on the world.

It's a lengthy video, but worth watching every second of it.

OK folks, that's it for me.

I'm off to Colorado ~~bright~~ dark and early--- as in before the sun even comes up I'll be in the sky. Follow the adventure on insta and snap!

19 June 2015

What You Need To Know Before You Watch The US Open

One of the biggest tournaments in the golfing world started yesterday, The US Open. May I be so bold as to make a suggestion for your weekend plans? You with an ice cold beer in your hand + a couch + a golf major on television = your weekend. Since I have plans to do just that -- post up on the couch all weekend, with the channel flipped to The US Open on Fox and an ice-cold Shiner in my hand -- I bring you The Five Things You Need To Know Before You Go : The US Open Edition!

Chambers Bay Golf Course Location: Washington State

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This is the first time the US Open has ever been played in the Pacific Northwest. To those of us in the central time zone this is fantastic news because we don't have to pull the "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" card. Golf will be on prime time television (FOX), and it's the very first time FOX has ever landed a major.

The color and consistency of the greens at Chambers Bay are very controversial. When I first saw the greens yesterday, my initial reaction was, YIKES! That first picture I showed above? Someone filtered the crap out of that image. Here is a more accurate picture of what the greens looked like yesterday.

image via The players are not happy, either. After day one, Sergio Garcia, one of my favorites, took to Twitter.

I think a championship of the caliber of @usopengolf deserves better quality green surfaces that we have this week but maybe I'm wrong!
— Sergio Garcia (@TheSergioGarcia) June 18, 2015

What do I think about it, you ask? Well, they are all playing on the exact same course, no? This is professional golf with a grand prize of about 1.6 million dollars. Figure it out.
If I can putt through a windmill, up and over a volcano and past a gorilla for a hole in one, they can putt on brown grass.

I was wrong. Very wrong. Tiger Woods is not playing us all.

Poor little guy. There there. It'll be ok, buddy. Golf isn't for everyone. I'm sure you'll find something you're good at!

Let's talk about the current co-leader, Dustin Johnson.

imaga via That's his fiancee Paulina Gretzky, as in daughter of Wayne Gretzky. These two like to party. Dustin Johnson was suspended from the tour last year for six months after testing positive for cocaine. This was his third positive drug test. It was also reported that he had an affair with at least one wife of a another golfer on the PGA tour.

Dustin is now back on the tour, and he and Paulina even welcomed a little boy into the world. Dustin seems to have a new attitude as a new father, so only time will tell if he can keep it in his pants and out of his nose.

If this doesn't make you feel old I don't know what will. There is someone on the tour who was born in the 2000s.

image via
Cole Hammer, from Texas, is just 15 years old. Dear Lord.
That's all I got for today. BRB, going to go pray for Tiger in this difficult time. description

04 June 2015

Warriors vs Cavaliers // The Girl's Guide to the 2015 NBA Finals

Ruh rho, a sports post and it isn't Fan Friday. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.
I have to do it though, because the NBA Finals begin tonight! CB and I rarely missed watching a Mavs game all season, and even got the opportunity to attend two playoff games. When the Mavs fell out of contention, I found myself watching and enjoying the playoffs this year. I quickly formed a hatred for the Rockets and Cavs, and a deep love of Golden State.
So today I thought I'd do a rundown of the 5 Things You Need to Know Before You Go --- NBA FINALS EDITION. I'm going to go ahead and warn you, there may or may not be some personal bias splashed in here and there.

Who is Golden State's best player? Steph Curry

image via Plain and simple, the NBA's 2015 MVP is fun to watch. Rather than pump you with statistics (go ahead and assume they are insanely impressive, because they are) I figured I'd show you what he can do with the ball.
He can shoot good.

And pass good

And has learned to do other stuff good too.

You guys all already know who this is...

image via
Plus Mr. James is no stranger to Venus Trapped in Mars, nor is his headband. Yeah, he's good, averaging 30 points, 11 rebounds and 9 assists in the Eastern Conference Finals vs. Atlanta. Yada yada yada..... If you like that kind of thing.
Can you spot the bias yet????

I really don't like this guy. His name is Kendrick Perkins and he plays for the Cavs.

image via I should warn you, knowing who Kendrick Perkins is really isn't going to help you be more knowledgable in the game. He doesn't start and only averages about 9 minutes and 2 points a game. BUT.... Knowing who he is will keep you entertained. Kendrick Perkins scares the piss out of me. Literally, they show his face, and a little pee comes out I get so frightened. This site even agrees with me. So I have a drinking game for you... anytime they show Kendrick Perkins, either on the court or on the bench, and you feel mildly frightened, you have to drink. You'll be hammered in no time.... and need a nightlight.

The Cavs are injury riddled. While yes, LeBron is healthy, they can't say as much for their two other best players. Kevin Love is out for the rest of the season with a dislocated left shoulder. Kyrie Irving, the Cavs point guard, has been battling tendinitis in his left knee. Kyrie, and everyone in wine and gold, say he's just fine. We'll see.

Watch out for the refs. Technicals have run rampant so far in these NBA finals. In my honest opinion, the vast majority of the technicals called, were the right call. These guys are rough, and easily angered (see exhibit 3 on this list). The refs have been calling tight games, with many many breaks in play for free throws. Who stands to benefit from nit picky refs? Golden State! They are excellent defenders, and keep it relatively clean. The Cavs are very physical, too physical at times. Constantly sending Steph Curry to the free throw line could cost them if they're not careful. So now you guys are ready! Who do you have to win the whole thing this year? Game 1 of the NBA Finals starts tonight in Oakland at 9pm EST on ABC.
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01 May 2015

The Novice's Guide to the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao Fight

I remember watching boxing with my dad when I was a kid. I don't know why I remember this from my childhood, but I do. I remember the trainers handing their boxers smelling salts, super soaker-ing (technical term) water into their mouths and patching up the deep gouges in their faces in between rounds. Their eyes would be so swollen that it looked like giant marshmallows were stuck under their eyelids, trying to push their way out. I know you're assuming that I'm an expert in boxing since I've gotten punched in the face at a bar, but I'm not. I guess I'd classify boxing in with Nascar, the idea is pretty simple and you don't need to be an expert to understand two guys punching each other in the face. This weekend, about 90% of the dudes in your life will be spending their Saturday evening watching the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight. It isn't just any fight either, it is the most important fight (so I hear) in the last 30 years. I spent the last couple weeks learning everything I could about boxing, in hopes to make Saturday night a little more bearable --- dare I even say exciting --- for all of us!

Ok let me tell you something that will make you feel better. The judges hold all of the power. They don't have to give any explanation on how they deduct points, or how they choose a winner. The above are just the guidelines that the judges follow how they see fit. I will say, one of my favorite parts of watching sports is calling a penalty before the refs do. Makes me feel like such a badass! Guess you can't do that in boxing! So, true story, you will not know more or less about the match's scoring than anyone else watching. That is pretty darn cool if you ask me! Actually, you'll prob know more because you just read this. I feel like an expert already. If I've confused you at any point, which I'm sure I did, holler with any questions in the comments section below! I'll do my best to answer, or find the answer! Where is everyone watching the fight tomorrow night?!? I hope with a cold beer and some good company!