Venus Trapped in Mars

23 October 2015

Fantasy Football Letters


Dear "Welcome to the Jungle" Fantasy League,  
If it wasn't for CB who fought for me to be in your all-dude fantasy league, we never would have met this season. He started the good fight to get me in your league immediately after last season ended, and never once gave up. Many of your members DID NOT want me in your league, and I get that.

I am a girl after all, what do I know about football? Cooking? Sure, duh, yes. Cleaning? Oh, most definitely. Don't forget mopping! Mopping, that's my wheelhouse. Football though? What girl knows football?

I'm sure you were certain I'd never update my roster, would draft players only if they were smiling in their team picture and I'd constantly leave players in who were on bye week and still some how win, which would without a doubt infuriate everyone. I've held my own though, and although i'm not in first place, my team still has the power to go HAM week-to-week.

So thank you for letting me in, I really appreciate it.
Here's to what hopes to be a very, very long season together.
Sarah.

Dear Jamaal Charles,  
When I drafted you in two of my three leagues, I was so excited. I wasn't excited simply for the fact that you're arguably the best running back in the business currently, but because I got you with the 7th pick. I couldn't believe my eyes when draft picks 1-6 went for other people, then there you sat, eagerly ready to join my squad, "Big Gores Don't Cry" at number 7. It was a true delight. 

Those first few weeks, you were the bright spot in my dreary Sunday. I could count on you to be good for close to 100 yards and a couple of TDs every time. Plus, the fact that your team didn't realize that WR's were allowed to catch touchdowns also helped. You were the yin to my yang. You were the B to my F. The PB to my J. The Slater to my Zack. I LOVED YOU MAN.

Then you go and tear your ACL. Why. Why would you go and do a thing like that? We were just getting started, and you've left me fighting over absolute crap RB's on the waiver wire. I picked up a third string RB from freaking WASHINGTON. You were replaced by Chris Thompson, ranked 3rd on a terrible team's depth chart.

This could be us but you not playin

I do hope you get well soon. 
Sarah.


Dear Draft Kings
I'm glad we met for the very first time this season. I'll admit, at first you were very intimidating to me, and I didn't want to mess with getting sucked into yet another football related addiction. Alas, CB joined you so I joined you. CB says jump and apparently I say, "how high?" I like the kid, what can I say?

I joined, I got my mom to join, I even got some of my blog friends to join. The first week I won $40! A couple weeks later, another $45! Shoot, some people might see that as not a lot of money but I felt like a high roller when the Chipotle lady asked if I was ok with guac being extra, and I cut her off mid-sentence with an emphatic, YES!

I'll admit, I got a little ridiculous when I entered your golf tournament last week. Ok, ok, that was really silly seeing as I'd never heard of the tournament in my life, it was only $3 though. I ended up wining $5, so jokes on you, bro!

Either way, I'm glad we met. Cheers to me winning that milli this week. 
(Can you imagine all that guac?!?)
Sarah.




I started to write a letter to my boy, Peyton, but it was unfortunately intercepted :(

Still love you Peyton, keep your head up. I know your record is a terrible 6-0, but I'm sure there's still hope for your season. #GBO.


In non-football related news....  Come follow me on snapchat! We're having friends over tonight for a good old fashioned house party complete with beer pong. Fact: I'm the world's greatest beer pong player, even better than Malia Obama if you can believe that! 


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9 comments :

  1. I SO feel the same way about Jamaal Charles. Boo. I have the opposite, I joined an all-girls free fantasy league this year because it's my first time and I didn't want to feel pressured by people who were more serious than me. THEN A HUSBAND JOINS, changes up how many flex players we can have, asks to have a $25 buy-in (which was declined) and is kicking ALL of our butts. So mad at him and her.

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  2. LMAO this is great! I really need to do my research because I haven't won anything over $2 on Draft Kings!

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  3. haha this is awesome. and that bit about peyton's letter getting intercepted... NICE. also, $85 is a LOT of money!

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  4. I'm mad at Jamaal Charles too! He's in one of my leagues, and now I'm pretty much without a decent RB. We'll see how the rest of the season stacks up. And I started playing FanDuel this year, and I'm officially hooked! It's so addicting to set a new lineup everyweek!

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  5. Ah! Yes! Draft Kings is so intimidating. I haven't taken the leap over there yet. I also don't have much confidence since my number one RB was CJ Anderson heading into this season and I'm currently sitting 2-4... Maybe it's what I need to get my groove back! I could always use some extra guac money!

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  6. LOL about Peyton! I can't even talk about fantasy football without tearing up. 1-5.. I just can't deal. Also, Demaryius is lucky he's still adorable.

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  7. Yes to Jamaal Charles. This one has been a crazy year for me for injuries in my leagues, but that one really hurt.

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  8. I'm only doing a Pick-Em league this year instead of maintaining three FF leagues like I did last year. But seriously, the injuries are killing me!

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  9. I DIE over that Peyton letter! And all of them for that matter! It has been a weird season to be a Broncos fan. I drafted CJ Anderson as my first pick in both my leagues and am reeling over that decision...

    Hope your boy Jamaal heals well. I tore my ACL this year and it sure does suck!

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