Venus Trapped in Mars

04 March 2015

How To Be The Perfect Wedding Guest

I love weddings. Who doesn't love weddings? You get an excuse to wear that cocktail dress you snagged from TJ Maxx on clearance that has been hanging in your closet with the tags still attached for the past 7 months, you get to dance, sing, cheer, catch the bouquet, eat cake.... and..... if you have chosen to surround yourself with the correct friends, there are free cocktails people. Free cocktails. 

I mean, what's not to like?

Here's the problem though, I haven't gotten to attend a wedding since summer of 2012! ARGH! I'm itching to attend a wedding, so here I am today, fishing for that next invitation and giving advice on how to be the perfect wedding guest!  


Spend the entire time on your cellphone.
 This really lets the other wedding guests know that you are a big shot. And after all, the Bride is lucky to have you take time out of YOUR day to come to her wedding. 
This is an old picture. No I'm not living in 2015 using a razor phone. So shush.
Be sure to spill your drink all over yourself. 
This let's the bride and groom know that the drinks they are serving are SO GOOD that you wanted to take some home with you to enjoy for later! 


Hide Your Face
Hello. It is the bride's day, NOT YOURS. Hide your face anytime the photographer comes near you by flashing a peace sign or just shoving your hands in the camera. All the celebrities are doing it. This will allow the bride and groom to shine. She will thank you for only being able to see your hands.


Just Dance Like You're in the Club
The bride will want you to feel comfortable, relaxed and like yourself. Forget dancing cheek to cheek, romantically. Instead, dance cheek to cheek, club-like. With your butt. You will be far more in your natural element bumping and grinding. Do what comes naturally to you. Do it for the bride. 


Get on the Microphone As Often As Possible
This shows the bride and groom how much you love them. Bring something with you to say, make inappropriate jokes or just wing it and say what's on your mind. And by all means, be honest. If you hate something, let everyone know. Honesty is always the best policy. 



If You Are Tired, Go To Sleep
No one likes a party pooper. So if you are tired, don't stay awake complaining, bitching and moaning. Just go to bed right where you are, no one needs to deal with a crabby appleton.


Please leave me a comment if you are interested in having me attend your wedding. I will private message you back with my address for where to send any and all party invitations.

Thanks so much.
-Management



24 comments :

  1. If you had posted this 6 months ago, I totally would have invited you to my wedding. I did have a blogger table so you would've fit right in!

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  2. Hahahaha this is the best. I will remember all the fabulous points at our next wedding we go to this month ;)

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  3. Yeah, I turned a wedding into a karaoke bar one time... that was fun.

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  4. hahaha I am looking forward to wedding season coming up. I think I only have one or two weddings to go to this year.

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  5. I've got one to attend this year...;) September 26, New York...wanna come?! It's MINE! haha...I totally fall asleep because I can't hang like the old days. At a friend's birthday a few years ago I got so drunk before we even got to the bars in downtown Pittsburgh that I was a WRECK at the first stop. I begged the DJ to keep playing Whitney Houston "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" (it was the night she died) and yelled at him when he refused. I got escorted out of the dance area and then fell down the steps to the lower level. I cried and fell asleep at the next bar and woke up with one too many bruises...I rock.

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  6. Girl, you can totally get in on my wedding!

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  7. You are lucky that you haven't had any weddings to attend! Attending weddings really cuts into my fun/travel budget. Damn happy people!

    -Heather
    I do what I want.

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  8. You're totally coming to my wedding! If/when it happens...

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  9. I love this! I spilled red wine all over a pale blue and white dress at a wedding once.. I have no idea how that happened. By the way, this also makes me miss my pink Razr phone...

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  10. your too funny

    http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home

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  11. Pink Razr! I miss you!

    I want to go to a wedding too! It's been way too long since I've been to one!

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  12. Thank you for the laugh, and now I know all the things I have done wrong since I have done none of those things

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  14. HAHAHA I love this! In just 5 years I have been to like 8 weddings, including my own. The best was when the couple had it at a hotel making drinking and not driving super easy. I wanted to make sure the bride didn't drink too much so I drank for her. It was a a failure of a night. I wound up almost sleeping in an elevator and I failed at keeping the bride soberish.

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  15. Haha this is so funny (and definitely real things people do at weddings lol)!! Looking down this list, I can think in my head of which people were each of these during our wedding last fall ;)

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  16. I suggest you also conduct a taste-test. It's one of the yummiest parts of your wedding preparations, plus you're making your guests are getting only the best. Your groom-to-be's going to love this too!

    wedding photographer

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  17. LOL these were my EXACT plans for the wedding I'm in in June. I may or may not have a bestie still after ;)

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  18. Excellent. I'm getting married in October, so make your way to Cincinnati and prepare for some bumping and grinding. Maybe, just maybe, I'll even see CB!

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  19. I bet all the wedding invites are just rolling your way, but only if you break out that hot pink razr phone again.

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  20. Hahaha YEP, guaranteed good time. I will say... I do dance like I'm in a club.

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  21. These tips are truly wonderful!! Thank you my friend for sharing all this. Pretty soon my cousin is going to get married at the destination Los Angeles venues and I will definitely keep these guidelines in mind to become a perfect wedding guest!

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