Venus Trapped in Mars

07 November 2014

Mascot Showdown Week 10

Sometimes I just really enjoy being super girly. March Madness is not one of them, nor is the last three minutes of the game. But how about week 10 when six teams in the NFL are on bye week and my Cowboys are playing one of the worst teams in the league across the pond? For the record, in no shape or form and I assuming a win, I know the Cowboys, anything is possible! I think it is ok to be girly, perhaps just this once, right? 

So today I bring you.... 





I'm going to have temporary amnesia and forget everything I know to be true about each of these teams. Let's see how picking solely based on the mascots works out for me. I'm dropping all bias and team preferences and actual knowledge right now.

And I just say the magic words... ABRA CADABRA! 
And poof! I know nothing about the 2014 NFL season. Let's get started. 
(I feel I say this relatively often, but no I'm not drunk) 

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Buffalo Bills
K.C. Wolf vs Billy Buffalo 



Well the KC Wolf doesn't make much sense. What does that have to do with the Chiefs? And I think they got those googley eyes at the dollar tree. Billy Buffalo is actually a buffalo, and he is wearing gloves too, which is smart because it is going to be cold in buffalo. I'm not sure that KC Wolf is ready for all that cold... or for his eyes to stay on his face. It his hard to win when you can't keep your eyes on your face.
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Buffalo Bills 

Miami Dolphins vs Detroit Lions
T.D. vs Roary



Yowza. Would you look at that dolphin. He looks out of shape, no? Like a beer gut perhaps? Too many IPAs? Alternatively, Roary (don't worry I mentally took points away for that horrible name for a lion) looks like he has been working out hard. Look at those muscles. Although I feel like Roary may be missing some teeth... the three that I can see look impressive. 

Sarah's Prediction: Winner Detroit Lions

Dallas Cowboys vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Rowdy vs Jaxson de Ville




Holy lord in heaven what is that thing on the right? Is that Chester Cheetah at a rave? Not only do you lose points for the most offensive mascot I've ever seen, but his name is Jaxson de Ville. I don't even care what mascot is on the left, that thing on the right loses every single game as far as I'm concerned.
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Dallas Cowboys

San Fransisco 49ers vs New Orleans Saints
Sourdough Sam vs Gumbo The Dog




Oh my gawwwwd a DOGGIE! With his tongue hanging out just like my doggie does! And his name is Gumbo... because people in New Orleans like Gumbo!! SWWOOOONNN!! Also, Sourdough Sam looks like there is a 73% chance he is a pedophile.
Sarah's Prediction: Winner New Orleans Saints  

Tennessee Titans vs. Baltimore Ravens
T-Rac vs Poe


Wow, hardest one yet. So let's weigh the pros and cons here. T-Rac has a sweet bandana. But Poe is both intimidating and somehow adorable all at the same time. But when I pulled up T-Rac's bio on the Titans' website.... Weight: Heavy. Height: Real Tall. Minored in T-Shirt Launching... hey adorbs! 
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Tennessee Titans

Pittsburgh Steelers vs New York Jets
Steely McBeam vs NONE



Well that guy is very well dressed in a lovely button up I'm assuming his wife bought him for Christmas so he wears it under a sweater to work sometimes and on special occasions. And the other guy.... wait? None? No mascot? Well no wonder you suck so bad Jets (oh wait, memory came back for a second but it's gone again) 
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Pittsburgh Steelers 

Atlanta Falcons vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Freddie Falcon vs. Captain Fear





Aww Freddie looks super excited to play some football and be a good sport at the same time by smiling and being a gracious team player. Captain Fear looks just that, scared shitless. I think maybe he is worried about a bird pooping on his head on the open seas. I've had that happen before, it sure takes the wind out of your sails. 
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Atlanta Falcons

Denver Broncos vs Oakland Raiders
Thunder vs Raider Rusher




That is one fabulous horse. He is ready to cheer on his team and then go shopping. I bet he would tell you that as far as he's concerned, leopard is a neutral. As far as Raider Rusher, could they not afford to provide him with a neck... or.... ? I don't feel comfortable sticking my neck out for that guy. 
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Denver Broncos

St. Louis Rams vs Arizona Cardinals
Rampage vs Big Red


Big Red looks a little thin. I bet he eats like a bird. Cue all of the unfollows. Somehow, I think I'll lose followers even on Instagram after that. 
Sarah's Prediction: Winner St. Louis Rams

New York Giants vs Seattle Seahawks
None vs. Blitz




Are mascots illegal in NY? What gives? And All I've got to say when I look at Blitz is... word to yo motha!  
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Seattle Seahawks

Chicago Bears vs. GreenBay Packers
Staley Da Bear vs None


Again, no mascot for Green Bay?! What gives? Actually, let me rethink this. I'd rather have no mascot than have the uber creepy bear. His teeth look like sugar cubes. I ain't scared of sugar cubes. 

Sarah's Prediction: Winner Green Bay Packers

Carolina Panthers vs Philadelphia Eagles
Sir Purr vs Swoop



So you're telling me that you are going to take the cutest mascot of all time, then give him the cutest name of all time. My heart might explode Lisa Frank stickers right now. Even though the kid from Big Daddy spelling Philadelphia helped me spell Philadelphia, this one was just way too easy of a choice.  
Sarah's Prediction: Winner Carolina Panthers

I'll be back after week 10 with an update on how my predictions went. For the record, if this works and I get these right, I'm quitting sports. 

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27 comments :

  1. EW GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW WITH THAT PACKERS PICK. Cheese is not going to defeat Staley.

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  2. Omgosh I love this so much! Sir Purr might be my new fave mascot besides Miles and OSU's Pistol Pete of course. We should discuss something though.. last night at the Avs game Brian and I had a debate because they currently have Bernie the St. Bernard (St. Bernard's apparently save people in avalanches?) but they USED to have Howler the Abominable Snowman (side note: I had to google how to spell that and I did it right the first time, holler) and I definitely think the snowman is cooler. Brian disagrees.

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    1. PS. Miles is the Denver Broncos mascot. Thunder is the actual horse that comes out on the field when we score :)

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  3. some of these mascots are straight up creepy. I haven't seen a lot of them before, but I think you really might be on to something!!

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  4. "Holy lord in heaven what is that thing on the right? Is that Chester Cheetah at a rave?"

    I am sitting in my cubicle, secretly reading your blog and I legitimately had to spit out my coffee from laughing so hard at this statement.

    Now this is the kind of sports posts I like to see. Keep them coming! Brilliant!

    XxMO
    madame-ostrich.com

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  5. I'd have to give it to the Ravens purely because he's named Poe. Also, I'm glad you chose Gumbo. He's the best.

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  6. HAHAHAHA this was wonderful. I'm a Giants fan, so I'm a little ashamed right now. But since I've lived in NC for about half of my life, I'm also partial to that cute little panther. Sir Purr is exactly what I'll be naming the kitten I plan on getting in a few months. Meow.

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  7. Hurray Steelers!!! Always a good choice IMO. [GO STEELERS!]

    I'm glad you picked T-Rac for the Titans. In that match up I would have too. Bonus, I'm friends with T-Rac's sister. True story. Her hubby went to school with my husband and she's a doll, sadly I've never gotten to MEET T-Rac I've only heard a lot about the man behind the mask. Other bonus it's fun to see his niece and nephews go bananas when he comes on the TV.

    What's the deal with NY teams having not mascot, and I guess the pakers consider their fans, the Cheese Heads to be their mascot?

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  8. New York and their sad, pathetic teams! The Raiders and Jags mascots are actually terrifying. I also think the Panthers never win because Sir Purr is NOT intimidating... and what kind of name is that??

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  9. Oh my gosh the Dolphis mascot... worst ever!

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  10. You would think that Captain Fear would cause fear and not be scared. GO FALCONS.

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  11. Freddie Falcon is the cutest forever. Just saying.

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  12. I can't going to lie. After seeing Roary with three teeth. I had to go look at a picture of him and me from a few years go. He has 4 teeth. Good Luck to your team this week. The lions announced yesterday there going back to London next year and I'm so planing on going.

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  13. I don't think I've ever seen that Jacksonville mascot before, who approved that? WHY IS HE WEARING A SPEEDO?

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  14. Oh Blitz. I miss that Blitz. Earlier this season, they unveiled a new edition of Blitz and he now has a friend named Boom. And I can't decide if I like either of them or not yet.

    GO HAWKS :)

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  15. Wait, the raven mascot is named Poe? That's basically the greatest thing I've ever heard and I'm pretty sure I just became a Ravens fan. Literary references FOR. THE. WIN.

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    Replies
    1. came to comment this. Pretty sure her tenn bias is what won that round ;)

      also sir purr is the cutest damn thing

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  16. Seriously though, what is up with Jaxson? Hahahaha and OMG Sir Purr cutest mascot ever!

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  17. Girl you are hilarious, thanks for the morning laughs! Hope you have a great weekend!

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  18. Earl Dibbles Jr. does a similar thing for College football where he picks the winners based on how country one team is than the other. It's super hilarious! And my heart absolutely melted over Sir Purr and Gumbo the Dog. All of the hearts!!

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  19. I am cackling at my desk at work so thanks for that. ;) How have I never heard of Sir Purr before?? That is the cutest widdle mascot EVER!!! *Insert heart-eyed emoji here*

    I don't understand how a team can not have a mascot?? So sad!

    And how can you not love Jaxson de Ville in a speedo? Classic! ;)

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  20. You picked BOTH of my teams to win! YAY! And I agree, Sir Purr is so cute. He makes appearances around town and he once rescued a baby bird. He's adorable. I do agree that Jaxson De Ville is weird, but have you seen the video of him stalking a pigeon that was on the field during a timeout? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaLQYo7L2S8 You're welcome. :)

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  21. I feel like some of these teams need to go the way of NY and GB and just not have a mascot. Because Jacksonville? No words.....

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  22. I am pretty sure this is the best football post ever. EVER! Also, because you picked all three of my teams :)

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    Replies
    1. I was signed in to my other google acocunt haha oops!

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  23. Should the Green Bay mascot had been a large older man wearing a cheese hat? Unofficial mascot, maybe???

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  24. I almost loved this post, until I got to what you said about Sourdough Sam. He's a 49er, searching for gold. Makes PERFECT sense. What does a dog have to do with New Orleans?

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