Venus Trapped in Mars

31 July 2014

The Pressure's On

Going in for a routine test. 
That is a phrase I've decided to remove from my vocabulary. Whether it be talking about a routine test for myself, or for someone else, in my experience whenever that phrase is used, nothing ever seems to end routinely
Take for example my yearly lady doc visit, which included me going in for a routine test. As I get strapped in for my vital checks, I see the nurse look baffled at my blood pressure reading. "190/117? That must be an error, let me manually check it." 
Then the manual check results.... 190/123

Meanwhile, I'm freaking out. 190 over 123? Doesn't that mean I'm actually deceased? If I'm deceased, can I have that $50 co-pay back? Am I in heaven? I sure hope heaven isn't a gynecologist's office. I pictured heaven to be a land filled with unlimited fields of cheese pizza and streams of craft beer.... all of which have the calories removed. Kinda like that scene from The Sweetest Thing when he removes all the calories from her ice cream sundae, then he does that other thing... every hour on the hour, ok well yeah. I digress.....
The doctor then comes in to do that test, you know, the routine one. Not mentioning the elephant in the room, that my heart could explode at any second. She gets into lady doctor testing position and says quite possibly the worst thing you could ever say while between a young lady's legs...
"Man, something really wrecked you..."

She was referring to the mosquito bites covering my legs. For the record. Errr, at least I think she was. 

Once I remembered the trillion bites I had covering every square inch of my body, I chuckled awkwardly, "Hah, yeah... mosquitos." Really, lady? Let's work on your timing. Although, I think stand-up comedian could be a good backup career path, should this whole doctor thing not work out. Which it might not. 

When finished, she then sent me deeper into panic mode when she insisted I see another doctor right this very second before my heart explodes to figure out the blood pressure situation. 
Long story short (well maybe not, I think I've already made a short story, long) I am the newest member of society with a high blood pressure prescription. Twenty seven, pretty normal weight unless you're from Australia in which case I'm a plus plus plus sized weight, healthy eater if you ignore pizza benders and days that start with S, exerciser.... like, what? 
I even asked the doctor what I should be changing?! His response was to change nothing. I asked if I should stop drinking (lolzzz!)? He said, "Well you're asking a doctor if you should stop drinking."  So I took that as a firm no, and like he also thought that was a hilarious question to ask a doctor, or anyone for that matter. Of course you should continue drinking. Red wine is good for heart health. So is jack, jose, miller light, fat tire, naked grape chardonnay, dirty gin martinis (extra dirty, extra sodium just for fun), vodka, fireball... etc and so on. 
Apparently it could just be hereditary. Or it could be kidney failure. Or it could be my heart's response to recently googling images of Tim Howard in ESPN's The Body Issue? Who knows. 
What I do know is that I now have a high blood pressure prescription. I plan on seeing this as a glass half full. (Half full of low sodium, caffeine free club soda, of course.) Maybe I'll be able to flash my prescription at the movie theatre for the senior discount? Or get into Six Flags for 17 dollars less. Or play two slot machines at once. Or go to Kroger on the first Tuesday of the month for an additional 10% off my grocery bill. 
Or who knows.... Maybe I'll never be able to figure out the self-checkout line or my iPhone ever again, and my coffee will never be hot enough. 
Only time and test results will tell. 
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32 comments :

  1. Oh man, that sucks. I love that you're able to see the humor in it though! I hope next time you get it checked, it's normal and they're like, "Oh yeah, that other doctor's blood pressure cuff must not have been working right."

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  2. Well that just sucks. But I really want to know what kind of doctor gets right in front of your lady parts and says "man, something really wrecked you"... no. Just no.

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  3. Wow, that would be scary! I do hope everything turns out to be fine in the end. Your post was hilarious though! I think it's great that you can take something so uncertain and laugh at it. ~Ree

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  4. your heaven is pizza with lots of cheese, that is nice

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  5. ughhh high blood pressure! I have been on meds since for the past 2 years and I'm 24 :( Stupid genetics and high blood pressure machines! Maybe when I move to Texas we can pop our blood pressure meds together :)

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  6. I hate seeing any doctor ever. My left arm has been numb for a month, so I went to see my family doctor. Suddenly, she was talking about brain tumors and MS and scheduling a brain MRI (that came back totally normal, by the way). Thanks for the heart attack, doc. And oh yeah - my arm is still numb. Seriously though, at least you have the medicine now!

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  7. oh how terrifying! i think i need to get mine checked :( seriously that doctor needs to not be a doctor.
    um hi, australian here *waves* and i am bigger than you so clearly we are both plus sized. dont worry, only cosmo thinks that.

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  8. Did he really say that?! Like for real? hahaha that cracks me up. I had a tick bite right near my lady bits last year and assured my doctor that it wasn't an STD, but rather a grotesque example what nature can do to you. I'm not sure what I would say if some said my cooter looked wrecked. Or was down near there when they said it. Cry, probably.

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  9. Welcome to the club, my lady Dr told me during an ultrasound of my ovaries that I had a beautiful uterus (weirdest compliment ever), and then when I got the results I did what every normal person would do, check it out with Dr Google and the first thing that came out was that it used to be known as the prostitutes disease, so I know exactly how you feel missy, hang on, and remember TJ Maxx also has senior citizen discounts on Mondays or Tuesdays :P

    Natalia

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  10. I am so sorry - that really is scary. but i really think a lot of things happen because of genetics. just remember- we're going to tomorrowworld, that should help! or maybe do the opposite...

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  11. Welcome to the club. I got in last summer after a brief hospital stay because they thought my heart was spontaneously ripping in half... not even kidding. It sucks, mine is hereditary and I need to lose weight too. I've been on several different meds and I'm still all over the place but one thing I know for sure is working out even 30 min a day helps me tremendously. And if you take it and it's high, try going for a quick brisk walk... mine will come down 20 or 30 pts. in that time. Seems contradictory, like you should just lay down and be still but that makes me worry and think, which is way worse. Good luck!!! Oh and some of those meds have really yucky side effects so keep trying different ones if you are not feeling good!

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  12. whyyy would she say that? one time when i was at the dentist i opened my mouth and he said, "wow, ive never seen that before" and i was like omg im dying. turns out I had bit a hole in my mouth because my mouth was totally numb and i was getting a crown put on so they told me to bite down as hard as i could to put it in place . . . and I did, but unfortunately it was on my tongue!

    as an aside, my lady dr. told me now i only have to go every three years instead of every year if you're under a certain age (and if you don't have hereditary stuff that would make it necessary)

    and finally, i cant believe that about your BP and i especially cant believe that the doctor didnt give you ANY suggestions on how to lower it w/o meds. But, at least there is a way to regulate it! Did they give you viagra? haha. my nurse friend told me viagra was originally a blood-pressure lowering medicine!!!

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  13. While I don't have HBP (high blood pressure, duh)... I've been cursed with high cholesterol and high triglycerides.. thank you genetics. Thankfully, they haven't put me on any meds for it (yet) because I managed to lower it with better eating habits and exercise. But apparently drinking in the fashion that I like to drink is really frowned upon... which I clearly can't just STOP doing. So moral of the story is, I feel your pain.

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  14. Girl I totally know how your feeling. The first time I got mine checked and it was hight it was 180/110. And then started all these random tests to figure out what the deal was. i was 22 and fairly healthy weight. I could stand to loose a few pounds but I wasn't huge by any means. It's frustrating to feel like you live a fairly healthy life and there are people far more unhealthy than you who have no issues with things like their blood pressure! I hope the meds they put you on work and let me know if you find any helpful tips :) For me really increasing my exercise is the only thing that I find consistently helps.

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  15. I really admire your ability to turn a kind of lame situation into a funny post. Seriously though, knowing your body isn't doing something "quite right" and needing to go on extra medication is definitely a bummer. At least they said you don't need to change any of your habits!

    Cat
    http://oddlylovely.com

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  16. Sorry to hear that. Coming from a family full of people with high blood pressure, here's what I would suggest. Before your body becomes dependent on the meds long term, try incorporating more daily cardio and less sodium in your diet and you can most likely get it under control without the meds, especially being young. I would use the meds as a last resort if you can. Also check your blood pressure multiple times throughout the day to get an idea of what it averages for you. Most people's. including mine, have elevated bp in the doctor's office because the environment can automatically evoke fear. Hopefully it all gets settled for you soon!

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  17. I blame the goodness that is McDonald's french fries ;)

    My numbers were high too and I freaked out, but the doctor said it was okay...and that we'd check it again down the road, if it was still high we'd talk options...

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  18. Whenever I go to the lady doctor, they have to take my BP at least twice because I'm always such a nervous wreck when I go. They will take it at first, do the exam, make me sit & relax for awhile an then take it again. It's scary to be on any sort of medication but I hope that it helps!

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  19. I'm so sorry to hear about your blood pressure, that's awful..BUT this was one HELL of a funny story and all the cool things you can do now with your senior aged status!

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  20. Oh, man, that sucks. Maybe it's just a blip. Just a temporary thing.

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  21. Ah I hate when gynos say bad things at that time -- because, hello, what else am I suppose to think they're talking about besides my lady parts?! I hope your blood pressure thing gets sorted out :)

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  22. OMG. Are you living my life? Because I think you are. Been feeling sicky for a few months now, finally go to the doc for my physical and mention my symptoms, he makes me go for a battery of tests and Monday I've got a consultation to have my gallbladder removed. I didn't know I went to bed one night and woke up and had medical conditions of and 80 year old!!

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  23. Oh goodness. Glad you got something for the high bp, sorry to hear that's what is going on. At least it's nothing worse. And....what an awkward comment to make when any where near that area.

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  24. Not good news at all hope things are better now thinking of you

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  25. I would have been freaking out too. I always figuratively hold my breath until after they read off my normal results!

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  26. Ok I realize that high blood pressure is a scary thing and that it's no laughing matter but the way you wrote this post has me absolutely beside myself with laughter. You are hilarious, Sarah!

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  27. I had high blood pressure while I was pregnant and had to cut out sodium. That was one brave doctor to tell this preggo lady she couldn't eat anything salty. Sodium is IN EVERYTHING! I hate "routine tests" too! Hope the meds help and for the long of god, don't give up drinking! :)

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  28. I just found out I have high blood pressure too and i'm 28. My doctor is waiting to see if it will go down by September if not I have to go on meds. Let me know how your process goes since I am going through the same thing it helps to know someone else in the same situation.

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  29. Genetics do tend to rear their ugly head. My dad has Hypertension and my mom has Hypotension. Both of my sisters ended up with perfect blood pressures. Me?!? I got the Hypotension side of it. If my kidneys ever start failing, I will have to go on meds for my BP.

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  30. Um yeah. Just today I wrote about the frustration of tests....... (#18 Bloodwork, Part 2)

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