Venus Trapped in Mars

27 September 2013

Fan Friday: This Post is for Girls Who Think Football Is Stupid


To my girls who don't know anything about football and hate reading this blog on Friday, just give me 5-10 minutes of your day today. Just 5-10 minutes, I'm not sure how fast you read. Pretty please please please? Then if you're confused at the end, I won't bug you again. But if you learn something, then you're welcome. 

A football team on offense has four chances to move the ball 10 yards. That's why when they first get the ball it's called first and 10. 

Let's think about this in dating terms... 

You meet a guy and he asks you on a first date. As most guys would be, he is on the offense, and like any good girl would be, you are on the defense. He is trying to move his "ball" forward with the ultimate destination: the bedroom (or end zone). You are trying to slow him down, try to keep him from moving too fast. You are a lady after all, right?






You sit down to dinner. He is really cute. 


Since he moved three yards closer, the blue line (the starting point or what in football is called the line of scrimmage) moves forward three yards. He now starts trying to move his ball closer to your endzone. 

He informs you he lives in his mother's basement, and enjoys it there.

He orders a peach bellini. 










So here is where it gets tricky. Two possible situations can happen now.

Situation 1 (This happens 95% of the time) 
Since he only has one attempt left, holding the offensive ball, he brings in his friend, the kicker, who will kick his ball all the way down the field just so that you are further away from getting married. Bros before hoes. Because after this date is finally over, guess who is now on offense, looking to score a husband and crash into that wedding touchdown full force? YOU! 







Why? Well, if he were to try one more time (possible situation #2) to move the ball 7 yards, and fails (i.e. orders the Strawberry Spinach Salad, fat free italian on the side please). Guess what, you would only need to move the ball 20 yards to score a wedding, instead of 70 if he had just given up. Not that you'd want to marry that guy or anything, just work with me here, people!


And the game of girl vs boy (offense vs. defense) plays on. Each week, a new matchup. 

So how is that for basic? Was that confusing? Are you in any form of physical pain from learning about football? Should we call a doctor?



If you are feeling extra football-y (over achiever)... check out the only other post in this "series" here
Linking up with Whitney!

58 comments :

  1. I'm in love. This is hilarious!

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  2. This is genius! I had to teach my fiancee football (with the help of my Dad) because she's English so didn't get the whole 'American football takes like 4 hours and they have a break every 5 seconds' thing - but if I hadn't already turned her into a football fan (at least college football, go Broncos!) THIS would have been perfect! Couldn't have made it any more simple or hilarious :) Laura xx

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  3. love the analogy! i sorta understood downs before but didn't get why they would kick it. my fiance thanks you for sparing him from another one of my dumb questions.
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

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  4. If said guy lived in his mom's basement I'd say that's a penalty and he'd lose 10 yards making it 4th and 17. :)

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  5. This is awesome! Although I don't understand how someone wouldn't love football. Its the best sport ever

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  6. I still do not like football. Judge me. I ONLY like hockey. I live in STL so I get shunned ALL the time for not liking baseball, too. haha.

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  7. Sarah ---- this might just my my FAVORITE post from you!! So funny/ great analogy/love the pictures and captions!!

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  8. I will save this for my friends who begin to get the glazed over look when I get in my 'fb zone' and ummm, I decided that when you read today's post...you should just skip straight past point #1. It is a really boring point, you won't miss anything;)

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  9. I love this. I love football too. You're analogies though, they rock. They made the post. If anybody ever orders a strawberry salad with fat free italian on the side, well he's been intercepted and I have the ball. I'm gonna run away with it.

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  10. Growing up with a football coach for a father...I've always understood the game, and especially downs. But this dating phenomenon you speak of...that's the confusing part.

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  11. This is the best explanation of football! Reminds me of my high school history teacher (who was also the football coach, go figure) who always compared everything to dating.

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  12. I can't tell you how many times my husband has tried to explain football to me. If he had done it this way, he would have only needed to do it once. Hilarious!!

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  13. you're a damn genius.
    all girls - TAKE SOME DAMN NOTES.

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  14. This is hilarious!!! I like football but this really helped me understand exactly what all that mumbo jumbo meant... I knew it had something to do with how many tries they get.... Hahaha thanks for the lesson!

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  15. This is too funny!! I already knew about downs and penalties and all but if I didn't this would make total sense!! Funny analogies!

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  16. lol. literally lol'ing. i don't even have anything more to say about this besides it is fantastic and i love it.

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  17. lol. literally lol'ing. i don't even have anything more to say about this besides it is fantastic and i love it.

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  18. I'm not a HUGE football fan and when I say that, I haven't reached Sarah status. I can watch football, I like football and I even know what is going on (thanks dad) but this right here is pure GENIUS. I just can't even with how great it is.

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  19. viral. this post has to go viral. it is genius.
    ok, so i knew what downs were, i actually know almost all the rules in football because although i don't exactly enjoy it, i've watched A LOT of it! (an old friend has nfl in her family so i watched and learned more than i ever needed lol). BUT NOW FOOTBALL IS NEVER GONNA BE THE SAME AGAIN FOR ME. haha now it's gonna be like comedy and i'm gonna chuckle every time a player "takes the ball away and tries to go have sex".

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  20. I read this even though I already understand football. So, I shared it with my fraaaands. Excellent job!

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  21. Why are you a genius? This is my most favorite way that Football has EVER been explained. Nailed it, as usual!

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  22. Yes, yes yes! I love everything about this :)

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  23. is he trying to move his ball or balls forward.... i'm a girl i don't know how football or dating works ;)

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  24. I don't know how anything works but I can at least try and understand. Does that mean I'm ok?!

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  25. This is actually perfect! I know a bit about football already, but even so, it makes PERFECT sense. Hilarious!

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  26. Unfortunately, yes I go in another room sometimes and watch bravo while the bf watches football. And unfortunately, this helped describe what is going on more than any of his attempts. Thank you and I'm embarrassed, but now more educated.

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  27. Never thoughth of explaining this way. Though, it still baffles me that people don't get it, girl or boy.

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  28. This cracked me up- I just sent like three of my non blogger friends to read this! haha. I love football and all things about it but your parody was great :) Happy Friday!

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  29. This is pretty much the greatest football post I've ever read in the history of ever. I love it so much! I know my football, but I still found this incredibly entertaining. You're hilarious, Sarah and your blog is a gem!

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  30. If they explained football to me like this, I would have learned a LOT sooner. I'm just saying.

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  31. BEST..POST...EVER! I will endeavor to use this analogy when attempting to explain football to those less fortunate in the football knowledge department.

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  32. Love it! hahaha
    Thanks for the break down. Fortunately, I spent 2 years as a Football Cheerleader in Jr. High and have been chanting, "FIRST in TEN. GO. fight. WIN." for over a decade. Great graphics, though. I bet dudes will be happy to show this to their ladies.

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  34. I think football is stupid, but that's because I'm a Chargers fan and my team sucks.

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  35. I laughed so hard! You're hilarious, Sarah.
    Great post, as always.

    Xo Fal
    Falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  36. Seriously love this post so much. I didn't learn anything about football but that's probably because I got hung up on the dating analogy... love it.

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  37. This is probably the best explanation of football I've ever read. LOVE IT

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  38. This is stellar. I'm always at a loss for how to explain football to my lady friends that just don't get it, aaaand this is perfect.

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  39. pahahaha this is SPOT ON and SO SMART!

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  40. Hahahahaha I love this!! I never know what is truly going on when I watch football with my husband. Maybe this weekend I can surprise him with the little knowledge I've gained :)

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  41. Hahahahha. How anyone could not love football after this is beyond me

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  42. I consider myself an athletic girl, without being an actual athlete. I play baseball better than my husband and I'm proud of that. He will get me to go golfing with him and I pick it up pretty quick. He will get me to go kayaking with him and I don't do too bad. But, for some reason.. I have never been a big football fan. I know my hockey, I know my baseball. I hate basketball and will always. But, just about .. two weeks ago my husband Rob explained what you just explained to me, in the literal sense and I was like, "Ohhhhhhhh... that's what it's all about." So, we do exist out there. I'm not half bad, but I just learned my basic football rules just a couple of weeks ago. Yours was easier to follow.. too bad I didn't read this a couple of weeks ago;)

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  43. This was the best explanation ever!

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  44. Awesome! I made my hubby read it and then I told him shit like this is why I keep coming back to your blog!

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  45. My hubster will be proud when I watch the game with him this week/end, and know what the heck is going on! He'll think he really got through to me, hahha! Once he starts talking football, I'm like him, no attention span! "maybe I'll tell him, some day" NOT.

    No idea how I found you, but I'm so glad I did! HAhaha, thanks!

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  46. I'm just wondering if you are aware that this is the BEST football analogy ever.

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  47. This is perfect!!! Hahaha, I actually knew what you were talking about (another girly football fan over here!) but putting it into dating terms just made it so much more hilarious!

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  48. This is my first time to your blog and I love it!!! This post is amazing and I'm sharing it with all my friends who "don't understand" football! I look forward to reading your other posts!!

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  49. Someone who doesn't really know all that much about (American) football, this post is very informative. I mean, the dating analogy actually works wonders - and is deliciously hilarious too :D I think I can now follow Superbowl much better once it airs next year. That's pretty much all they show here where I live...

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