Venus Trapped in Mars

03 March 2017

An Honest Review of Barre Class

This photo has nothing to do with this post.  


As of late, my friend Heather and I have been trying different workout classes in Dallas. There are so many available, it is kind of mind blowing. A big difference from when I lived in Knoxville 5 years ago and you pretty much just needed to join a gym if you wanted to do group fitness. 

I started with Soul Cycle, because I got some free classes for Dallas Love List. In case you missed it, I posted an honest review of Soul Cycle a couple months back. I've since been doing different spin classes around Dallas, and for the most part they are all really similar to Soul Cycle. I'm also a big fan of Turbo Kick but I've been doing that for years. Side note: highly recommend, it's a lot of fun and lets out all that aggression! 

Well, last night we did The Barre Code. My friend Magen swears by this class, and she looks fantastic so I thought I'd give it a go. We walked in and it was super crowded. 

One of my least favorite things is telling an instructor that I'm new to something. I hate the added attention it draws. If I'm new, I want the opposite of attention. I prefer  to be invisible, if possible. 

We were told to grab a green, spiked round pillow thing and a couple of weights. Me being the total go-getter I am, of course opted for the heaviest lightest option they had. We took our place on the bar, which is literally a bar you'd find in ballet and not what I was hoping would serve me a dirty gin martini with three olives and a smile.

(Also, as you know I'm not drinking right now -- I just thought when they said barre they meant cocktails and I would politely decline and ask for a club soda with lime instead. I legit had the whole thing planned in my head ahead of time.

Words that will NEVER be used to describe me: 
Delicate
Dainty 
Petite 
Graceful
Darling
Light on my feet
Wispy
Elegant
Effortless
Lovely
Airy

There should really be a prerequisite for taking this class that says you should have been called one of the above words/phrases at least once in your life. Please don't get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to be called petite just ONCE in my life. But at 5'8 and X amount of pounds (yeah, right, not a chance I'm disclosing that) I am never going to be called any of these words. 

In addition to graceful, petite and effortless, there should also be a disclaimer that you possess strength a la - Captain America. By that I mean, you look tiny, but you could bench press Hulk Hogan AND Macho Man Randy Savage ----- with only your pinky finger. 

I don't feel like I'm that tall, but I've found that I'm always the tallest person in these classes. Whether it is Soul Cycle or Barre Code, even though I try to hide in the back I seem to tower over everyone else. This, once again, in turn, makes me feel like a Bull in the Barre Code shop. 

We start by taking our shoes off. 

As a lifelong basketball player, the idea of taking my shoes off to workout is a very new concept to me. How can I be working out with my shoes off??? I just don't get it. (Editors note: I was wrong with this one. This was, without a doubt, a workout). 

As I looked around the room, everyone was tiny and I again felt like Godzilla come to terrorize the tiny, lovely people of Barre Code. In my mind I pictured everyone staring at me as I walked in resisting the urge to point at me and yell GODZILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. 

When the class started, I literally couldn't see ANYTHING the instructor was doing. From what I could tell, nor could anyone else really. I decided to watch the chick to my left who seemed to know what she was doing. 

Plus, she was in head to toe lululemon -- even her SOCKS -- so I assumed she was legit. 

One thing I hate about a workout is when the instructor comes and touches me. As a general policy, I avoid touching strangers while they workout, and I hope for the same in return. 

She would come up and touch my shoulder or touch my hip or touch my thigh, but not say ANYTHING. 

I'm like GIRLFRIEND -- what is it? TALK TO ME. What am I doing wrong. You touching me isn't helping me correct the situation. 

Ok you've touched my shoulder, what does this mean? Move back, move forward, move out, remove it all together?? WHAT TALK TO ME LADY. 

I don't know if it was the difficulty of the class, the instructor touching me the entire time or if it was the fact that I couldn't figure out what to do with several body parts during most of the moves (remove them, along with the shoulder??) but this class was just not for me. I felt bulky, uncoordinated and like my walmart workout tank top was an embarrassment to everyone in the room. 

I knew I should have worn my Soul Cycle tank (that was sent to Dallas Love List, for free) so they would know I'm not a fake. 


IN CONCLUSION: I cannot wait to go back! Super fun! Good times! 


*Disclaimer: this was without a doubt the best workout class I've ever taken as far as effectiveness. I am beyond sore today and if I had any sense at all, I'd sign up for their membership RIGHT NOW. 

If you take this class regularly, I assume you could kick my ass in one flick of the wrist. It should just be known that I'm lazy and I'm really not trying to change the world in just one class. It's 2017, how much longer until scientists figure out how to make pizza give you abs? 


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