Venus Trapped in Mars

12 October 2016

Kazoo Recs Needed



Shirt from HERE 

It has recently come to my attention that I have serious anger management issues. The story I'm about to share is one that reflects my anger management problems that took place during the A&M game. There was this kid (by kid, I mean probably 21 years old) sitting on the bleacher in front of me with a giant wad of dip in his mouth. 

Behind me was a very loud Vol fan playing Rocky Top on a kazoo. I can't make this stuff up, people. He was playing Rocky Top (and brilliantly, I might add) on his kazoo. I was a little jealous, if we are being honest. My next hobby will be to take up kazoo playing. Perhaps I'll practice on the plane this weekend from Dallas to Nashville......

CB, much to my delight, was also being a loud Tennessee fan. Like me, he very much believes in superstition. In the most deep, boisterous voice I'd ever heard come out of  him he yelled DEEEEEFEENNNSEEEEE on a play early in the second quarter, we got a sack, and he continued to yell DEEEEEFEENNNSEEEEE on every down. Cause, duh, he made that sack happen. 

Speaking of superstitions, I also helped the Vols make double overtime a possibility by doing the following: 

I walked in with the pom pom in my hand
Moved the pom pom to my purse
Threw the pom pom on the ground
Picked the pom pom back up
Removed the sticker from the pom pom* This one was the most successful 
Took the free TexasA&M towel they gave us at the door out of CB's back pocket and threw it on the ground and stomped all over it and then took it to the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet.
Put the pom pom on my head as a rally cap
Sat down
Stood Up
Prayed. 

So between kazoo guy, me shrieking and throwing pom poms over every Tennessee first down as if someone had shot my pet goat in broad daylight, and CB's defense chant, dip guy was really over it. 

Side note. I will never understand how dip guy gets any girls. SICK. 

Dip guy's veins were about to pop out of his head every time CB yelled DEEEEEFEENNNSEEEEE and every time kazoo guy broke it down for the crowd. 

A&M did one good thing and he turned around and yelled at us OOOOFFFFFFEENNNSEEEEE while throwing his hands up in the air so as to pump up the crowd as if he was the lineman who just laid the block so his running back could jet on through. 

Calm down bro, it is a few yards and you still have dip in your mouth. Sick. 

Needless to say, the more this whole back and forth went on, the more I began to snap. He would turn around and yell offense at us and I'd yell back at him ohhh OOOOFFFFFFEENNNSEEEEE, good one. 

You told us. 

I just kept yelling dumb crap, but I had to get in the last word,  and I kept snapping on this guy with a gigantic wad of dip in his mouth. 

I'm sorry but if I'm not allowed to have a bag, why are you allowed to chew dip? While we are on that subject, I find the bag ban to be a direct attack on women. This guy's head was literally about to explode - dip would surely splatter all over this crowd of people - and yet I have to show everyone my super flow tampon collection in my clear bag. Yeah, real fair. 

I know you're thinking, where the hell is she going with this. Well, I think I learned one valuable lesson during that game..... I shouldn't go to any more away games. 

GO VOLS. 
Now, where can I buy a Kazoo for this weekend?


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