I'm not sure what your level of enthusiasm is over Star Wars, but if you haven't seen it yet, then I don't think you should read this post. There are spoilers listed below and you need to stop reading right now. BYE.
I gotta get mentally prepared to read this intro. I'm a slow reader and I have social reading anxiety. Am I the only one who thinks this intro text just moves WAY too fast up the screen? Can kids keep up with reading this?? If they can, well that's just great, I'm clearly a moron. Maybe I should read more, rather than just listening.
Whoa whoa whoa. They've gotta destroy another death star??? You're joking right?
I wonder if Harrison Ford is still super hot? Probably not. Maybe he's the kind of hot where you would tell your friends you'd do Harrison Ford just to get a rise out of them, but in all honesty if it came down to that, you wouldn't be able to pull the trigger.
Harrison Ford looks an awful lot like Chevy Chase.
Me: Pssst... hey babe, don't you think Harrison Ford looks like Chevy Chase?
Me: Oh, I don't think so either.
Why isn't Jar Jar a bigger character? He's hands down the cutest. I hope he's in this one. More Jar Jar, less C-3PO.
How annoying is C-3PO?? Ok, so he was kind of cute at first, but now I just need him to shut up. You're a robot, why are you scared? Robots aren't programmed to feel fear, everyone knows that. We get it, you're frightened. Everything will be fine, R2-D2 will fix it. Haven't you seen 1-6??
This whole time I thought Storm Troopers were all robots? There are real people under there??? Mind blown.
So Disney owns this now, right? How sweet would it be if Mickey came in, light sabered some people, then peaced out back to the magic kingdom in the Millennium Falcon. Maybe even flipping the bird at the death star people? That's what I would write into the movie, but what do I know?
So, to qualify to be a Jedi you have to grow up on a planet covered in sand? Are there bonus points if your parents drop you there, all alone, and your only memory is them flying away on a ship never to be seen again, while screaming out of the ship's window, "This is for your own goooooooooooooood!" Talk about horrific parenting, they're probably just living in a retirement community in Naples or something.
This chick Rey is like a dead ringer for Keira Knightley.
Why is this chick a silver storm trooper? How do you get to be a silver storm trooper? Even better, how about a gold storm trooper, now you're speaking my language.
BB-8 is maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen. I need 7.
Chewie hasn't aged a day. Bitch.
I wonder if my dogs would like a droid? Maybe I'll start small with like an iRobot or something and take baby steps from there. I'd really like to get my hands on that robot Screech made in Saved By the Bell.
Why was every one being so mean on social media about Carrie Fisher?? I think she looks fantastic.
OMG OMG OMG OMG... It's the guy from Girls!!!!!!!!!
Me: OMG IT'S THE GUY FROM GIRLS HE'S LIKE MY FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME! I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS IN THIS!!!!
Me: Yeah. I gotta pee.
So we are literally destroying this death star again, huh? Step 1: take down shields. Step 2: Fly to middle and destroy death star. Step 3: have trouble doing the EXACT same thing you did in movie three.
Shit. I'm enjoying this. Must not tell anyone that.
OMG R2-D2!!!! He's back!!! YAYYYYYY! I have no idea what he's trying to say, ever, but it seems like everyone else does. What am I missing?
CB: R2-D2 always has just the right thing to say!
Me: Wait, what??
I bet Rey is the daughter of Luke. Man I'm going to feel so good about myself if I've got this one right. Who did Luke bone though? Leia? EWWWW. No way. Maybe male Jedis can give birth? I mean, they can throw things and control your every action with their minds, I bet they could somehow figure out how to have a baby. #JediDontNeedNoWoman
Ok but I like REALLY need BB-8 in my life.
Orrrr, did Han step out on Leia and along came Rey? Wait no, Leia is the one with the jedi force and junk. Maybe it was Han and Luke, LOLZ!
Who is Rey's mom, dangit!!
Am I the only one who is severely attracted to Kylo Ren? Like, severely.
*Googles Kylo Ren's girlfriend*
Deletes search box
*Googles actor who plays Kylo Ren*
Deletes search box
*Googles Adam Driver's girlfriend*
Deletes search box
*Googles Joanne Tucker*
CB: Put your phone away!! Watch the movie!!
Man, I should have been taking notes on my thoughts throughout this movie, this would be a good blog post.
How can someone with zero jedi training defeat a dark lord sith guy? That makes none of the sense.
*covers phone with hand so CB can't see screen*
*Googles When Does Next Star Wars Come out?*
*Adds May 26, 2017 to iCal*