Venus Trapped in Mars

18 January 2016

Thoughts I Had While Watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Like most of you, I saw the new Star Wars. I'll just go ahead and say it, the only movies I tend to like are romantic comedies. So sue me, I'd prefer to watch the same movie I've seen 12 billion times rather than take a chance on a new movie. The Devil Wears Prada? Yeah, I've seen that approximately 478 times. Heck, I just got all perked up thinking about potentially watching it all over again tonight. 

"Where is my coffee? Has she died or something?"

So with my movie preferences leaning toward anything with a female lead living in a tiny New York apartment with her adorably sloppy boyfriend just trying to make it in the big city --- Star Wars was a bit out of my comfort zone. CB and I started with episode 1 and watched all 6 before we went on Friday to watch the newest movie in theaters. It is safe to say that I had a lot of thoughts run through my mind while watching this movie, and I'd like to share them with you today. 

I'm not sure what your level of enthusiasm is over Star Wars, but if you haven't seen it yet, then I don't think you should read this post. There are spoilers listed below and you need to stop reading right now. BYE. 




Me: I'll have a Chardonnay.
Bartender: 8oz or 16oz
Me: *Laughs hysterically* 16. 


I gotta get mentally prepared to read this intro. I'm a slow reader and I have social reading anxiety. Am I the only one who thinks this intro text just moves WAY too fast up the screen? Can kids keep up with reading this?? If they can, well that's just great, I'm clearly a moron. Maybe I should read more, rather than just listening


Whoa whoa whoa. They've gotta destroy another death star??? You're joking right? 


I wonder if Harrison Ford is still super hot? Probably not. Maybe he's the kind of hot where you would tell your friends you'd do Harrison Ford just to get a rise out of them, but in all honesty if it came down to that, you wouldn't be able to pull the trigger. 


Harrison Ford looks an awful lot like Chevy Chase.


Me: Pssst... hey babe, don't you think Harrison Ford looks like Chevy Chase?
CB: No.
Me: Oh, I don't think so either. 


Why isn't Jar Jar a bigger character? He's hands down the cutest. I hope he's in this one. More Jar Jar, less C-3PO. 


How annoying is C-3PO?? Ok, so he was kind of cute at first, but now I just need him to shut up. You're a robot, why are you scared? Robots aren't programmed to feel fear, everyone knows that. We get it, you're frightened. Everything will be fine, R2-D2 will fix it. Haven't you seen 1-6??


This whole time I thought Storm Troopers were all robots? There are real people under there??? Mind blown. 


So Disney owns this now, right? How sweet would it be if Mickey came in, light sabered some people, then peaced out back to the magic kingdom in the Millennium Falcon. Maybe even flipping the bird at the death star people? That's what I would write into the movie, but what do I know? 


So, to qualify to be a Jedi you have to grow up on a planet covered in sand? Are there bonus points if your parents drop you there, all alone, and your only memory is them flying away on a ship never to be seen again, while screaming out of the ship's window, "This is for your own goooooooooooooood!" Talk about horrific parenting, they're probably just living in a retirement community in Naples or something. 


This chick Rey is like a dead ringer for Keira Knightley.


Why is this chick a silver storm trooper? How do you get to be a silver storm trooper? Even better, how about a gold storm trooper, now you're speaking my language. 


BB-8 is maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen. I need 7. 


Chewie hasn't aged a day. Bitch. 


I wonder if my dogs would like a droid? Maybe I'll start small with like an iRobot or something and take baby steps from there. I'd really like to get my hands on that robot Screech made in Saved By the Bell. 


Why was every one being so mean on social media about Carrie Fisher?? I think she looks fantastic. 


OMG OMG OMG OMG... It's the guy from Girls!!!!!!!!!
Me: OMG IT'S THE GUY FROM GIRLS HE'S LIKE MY FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME! I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS IN THIS!!!!
CB: Cool.
Me: Yeah. I gotta pee. 


So we are literally destroying this death star again, huh? Step 1: take down shields. Step 2: Fly to middle and destroy death star. Step 3: have trouble doing the EXACT same thing you did in movie three. 


Shit. I'm enjoying this. Must not tell anyone that. 


OMG R2-D2!!!! He's back!!! YAYYYYYY! I have no idea what he's trying to say, ever, but it seems like everyone else does. What am I missing?


CB: R2-D2 always has just the right thing to say! 
Me: Wait, what??


I bet Rey is the daughter of Luke. Man I'm going to feel so good about myself if I've got this one right. Who did Luke bone though? Leia? EWWWW. No way. Maybe male Jedis can give birth? I mean, they can throw things and control your every action with their minds, I bet they could somehow figure out how to have a baby. #JediDontNeedNoWoman


Ok but I like REALLY need BB-8 in my life. 


Orrrr, did Han step out on Leia and along came Rey? Wait no, Leia is the one with the jedi force and junk. Maybe it was Han and Luke, LOLZ! 


Who is Rey's mom, dangit!! 


Am I the only one who is severely attracted to Kylo Ren? Like, severely. 
*Googles Kylo Ren's girlfriend*
Deletes search box
*Googles actor who plays Kylo Ren*
Deletes search box
*Googles Adam Driver's girlfriend*
Deletes search box
*Googles Joanne Tucker*
CB: Put your phone away!! Watch the movie!! 


Man, I should have been taking notes on my thoughts throughout this movie, this would be a good blog post. 


How can someone with zero jedi training defeat a dark lord sith guy? That makes none of the sense. 


*covers phone with hand so CB can't see screen*
*Googles When Does Next Star Wars Come out?*
*Adds May 26, 2017 to iCal* 





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24 comments :

  1. A couple of my friends have told me that they would have made a move on Harrison Ford if he was still the same way he looked like when he was younger. I guess he was good looking then.

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  2. I could not disagree with you more about Jar Jar but all of this made me LOL! Truth be told... C3PO is my favorite, of all time. Ever. And I will also be honest to say I didn't watch Episode 1, I didn't even care, the preview of Jar Jar was enough to drive me bananas. I suffered through 2 and 3... (My 2nd movie of all time in the theaters was Jedi so I pretty much have had an obsession since then.

    We took my little sister-in-law to see The Force Awakens she LOVED it (we made her watch episodes 4-6 before we went, she has not seen the other 3 train wrecks about Darth's youth... ANYHOO... my dad asked me... "Did she get scared?" and I told him no, she's like 11. He laughed and said that when I went to see Jedi, I jumped into his lap when Jabba the Hut came on... that made me laugh I don't remember that at all.

    PS 16 oz wine, nice!

    PPS HAN FOREVER!!! My heart is still broken

    PPSSS: KYLO rules! And so does Rey, and Yes I feel like she is Luke's daughter. I have another thought/theory about Finn (Stormtrooper) and who his father is. EEEE, is it 2017 yet!

    For the record, I went to see this twice in the theater, I'm totally THAT girl... #Nerd I would go again if I could.

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  3. This is fantastic! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Welcome to the fandom. lol Also, I think Daisy Ridley looks like Kiera Knightly too! My husband thought I was crazy!

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  4. You should probably go ahead and buy BB-8: http://www.amazon.com/Sphero-R001-BB-8-App-Enabled-Droid/dp/B0107H5FJ6

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  5. I thought the same thing about Rey looking exactly like Kiera Knightly! She almost has the same mannerisms too! BB-8 seriously is the cutest! Now I wish I hadn't made fun of my husband for wanting one...

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  6. I love BB-8. I got my husband one for Christmas.

    http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home

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  7. Hysterical. I had so many random thoughts during that movie, like: how does Kylo Ren get such vuluptuous, voluminous hair and can I get it too?

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  8. Ha! This was too funny. I enjoyed reading your post almost as much as I enjoyed watching the movie :)

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  9. bahaha sarah this is freaking awesome. i don't know whether i want to see this just so i can laugh while thinking of your the whole time.

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  10. This is perfection. You are in my head. Also, you can buy a BB-8 at the Sharper Image... just sayin'

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  13. I almost unfollowed you for two reasons in this post:

    1. You like Jar Jar.
    2. You were on your phone during the movie. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE.

    You're lucky I like you enough to look past those two critical flaws! ;)

    Good post though! I'm a Star Wars nut and proud of it.

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  14. Hilarious! Awesome post. I love the honesty!

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  15. This post made me kind of sad, and a little bit proud, and a little bit laugh. I don't know how to feel right now. And, no, I don't think Rey is a dead ringer for Kiera Knightley. Daisy Ridley is way cuter and way less annoying.

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  16. I think she is Ben Kenobi's grand daughter. They are so similar. Also, I FREAKED when I saw Adam Driver. Love him so. Does anyone else hate Luke? I think he is a punk.

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  17. Hahahahaha this is hilarious! I'm a huge Star Wars fan, and I know the answer to a LOT of these questions! But I enjoyed reading it! Also, I agree about Carrie--she looked GREAT!

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  18. I absolutely love this post! I had the same thoughts about how this was exactly the same as taking down the Death Star and how Rey was apparently able to beat Kylo Ren. Yeah right.
    Also, can we please talk about Kylo Ren's anger management issues and how the Stormtroopers were totally over it. So good!

    xx, Caitlin
    www.wandererandwolf.wordpress.com

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  19. I'm just over here wondering why NOBODY has commented on the fact that you started with episode I instead of episode IV. I mean, that's what we did when we binged on them before going to see episode VII, but we've both seen all of them before.

    I wish I had gone to a theater that served alcohol... that would have been extremely fun but also probably would have led to me talking a lot during the movie which may have led to a divorce.

    The end bye.

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  20. As someone who hasn't seen any of the Star Wars movies (except for this recent one), I particularly loved this post! Hilarious! BRB, buying a BB-8 because it's adorable.

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  21. Haha, better change the date on iCal, they just pushed Episode VIII to December 2017 and put Pirates of the Caribbean in its original memorial weekend slot.

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