Venus Trapped in Mars

04 December 2013

Will It Ever Be Enough?

While scrolling through old pictures this past weekend, I stumbled on a picture I took in a fitting room about a year and a half ago. I was looking for a dress to wear to my best friend's wedding, I was the MC so I wanted to look fabulous of course!

I remember putting the outfit on and thinking, "Good lord, this looks terrible. I'm so fat."



Fat??

I was working my ass off, going to the gym 3-5 times per week, eating healthy and my body was perfect. By perfect, I mean, perfect for me. I wasn't thin by most people's standards, but in my mind I was strong and confident. 

I texted my mom, showed her the picture and told her what I just told you guys... how fat I remember feeling with that outfit on. And now, how I wish so badly to be back to that size.

She told me three things...
1. First point, you are beautiful
2. Second point you have a plan
3. Third point, you may never be satisfied

She's right. I may never be satisfied.

I kept scrolling through all of those pictures, circa the summer of 2012. It was not my lowest weight in my post high school life, but it was a weight I was very proud of because I lost 20 pounds to get to there. I felt fantastic.

But I remember, clear as day, being at that weight. I mean, it was just over a year ago, and feeling like my legs were too fat, my arms were flabby, I have double chin in pictures..... yadda yadda yadda. 

I look at old pictures and wish for my long hair again, but when I had long hair, I couldn't stop thinking about having short hair again. Curly wants straight hair, straight haired people want curly. What if one day I'm looking at my weight now, longing to be at this weight. Good lord I hope not. But it's possible.

When will I be satisfied?

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92 comments :

  1. i think as women we just will never be satisfied. it's unfortunate, but we'll always pick at something to make us feel bad about ourselves. it's a good reminder though. I have ALWAYS thought i was fat and there were really times when i just wasn't.

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  2. I want to hug you. I had a similar experience a few months ago when I was looking at photos of myself from high school, when I was so shy and insecure because I thought I was fat. And ya know? I wasn't all that bad. I wish I would have realized it back then. I constantly wonder when it will be enough, and I struggle with my weight every day. But know, you are beautiful.

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  3. I'm glad you can at least see that you look great in the picture now. Keep that in mind the next time you're feeling down on yourself! I can totally relate though (I'm sure most people can), and I 100% relate to the hair part. I've been working on growing my hair out for months, and all I've been able to think about lately is how great all these celebs look with their short haircuts. The grass is pretty much always greener on the other side.. it's really unfortunate that that's the way we all seem to think :/

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    1. DON'T DO IT GIRL! Don't cut your hair!! haha :) And yes, the grass is always greener. How can we get out of this mindset?

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  4. I suffer from the same sense of always feeling like I could make a change to look better. It's difficult to not constantly say, "Well, if my hair was like this," or "If I weighed this," I would be the best version of myself. I think it's important that we loves ourselves in the now, even if changes are in progress. :)

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  5. I can so relate to this. Even at my smallest (120 lbs) I still looked in the mirror and could only focus on what I thought was just too flabby. It's insane.

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    1. Girl, I agree. Looking back I feel nuts for thinking this way! I wish we could learn to love ourselves at any size!

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  6. In high school, I hated everything about myself. Everything... my hair, my eyes, my stomach, my nose, the list goes on...

    Looking back, I see how much potential I had. I had a 6-pack like old school B. Spears thanks to cheerleading and working out 6 days a week, twice a day. I had no real job...no real responsibilities. Now I'm a lawyer --- stuck behind a desk, trying to get billable hours, and save to buy a home. I still have days where I struggle with my self-esteem (ok, a LOT of days!). But when I do, I remember how badly I hated myself then and how, in retrospect, all I see is potential.

    That leads me to think about how one day, I'll look back on how I was at this age, and think..."Gah. I had so much going on for me back then!" Keeping a perspective on your own faulty perspective is well... some good perspective to have.

    Did that make any sense? haha!

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  7. I can 100% relate to how you feel. I am never satisfied. When my hair is curly, I want it straight. When I'm feeling "fat", I look back on photos where I can remember feeling the same way and think "My god, I WISH I were that 'fat' again!" I think Helen said it best up top!!

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  8. I think there is a meme out there that says, "I wish I was at the weight I was when I thought I was fat." I think about that sometimes too.

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  9. Trying to work on this myself lady! Oh the lovely games I keep playing!
    Thanks for sharing!

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  10. I can definitely relate to this! I think most women, sadly, never feel satisfied. We can spend hours, years trying to get to a certain point, get there and want to change something else or it's not as great as we thought. I think the key is to put the focus on being happy and healthy, you are beautiful now so feel confident and try and enjoy the process of getting to your goal x

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  11. Anytime I look at old photos I always feel like I'm failing now because I was smaller then. But, I remember I'm much happier in life right now and looks aren't everything. :) good luck!

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  12. I remember in college feeling so "fat" and now I look back at those pictures like what the hell was I thinking. I think it is a blessing a curse of women to never really be satisfied. While it is hard when it comes to our self image, I think that is why women can someday rule the world! I want so bad to look back at my wedding pictures and love what I see, so I am just going to keep working and do the best I can! I think that is all that we can do!
    This is such a relatable post to so many women. Life is a journey, not a destination! sorry that was really cheesy.

    20somethingbusinesswoman.com

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  13. I feel you!!! I would give anything to look like I did when I thought I was "fat" back in the day. This morning I was examining my stomach before getting in the shower and I was like if I could just get rid of this fat, this fat and this fat I would be so happy. Then I got in the shower and though...no I wouldn't. Because then I would be focused on something else I don't like about myself like my thunder thighs or round face. Ridiculous! I think we all do it.

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  14. I always thought I was too skinny. I know that sounds crazy but when I started college I was 6'3'' 136lbs. A stick. My coaches told me every day to gain weight and had me eat more and more. I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I was sick of the anorexic jokes and being told I had a flat ass and flat chest. I ate like a pig trying to fill out and barely gained. Then 28 hit and so did the weight. I realized the only thing I had gained those early years was bad eating habits. I let others make me an unhealthy person and I struggle every day to eat better. Damn them for doing that and damn me for letting them. Every day I want to tell them to kiss my ass. I have realized that I need to feel sexy in the skin I am in and the only way to do that is to look back over the past week and feel proud of what I did. No matter if I lose lbs or not. Was I healthy? Did I help my heart? Things like that. I am not very good at it yet, but I am trying.

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  15. sarah.

    you are beautiful - never forget that. although we don't know each other in real life, i stalk your blog on the regular so in a way i do. that's not weird i said that.

    as a 38yr old woman, who has had a child that totally messed with my hormones, ruined my nether regions, made my body LOVE fat for some ridiculous reason and made my metabolism lazy as shit, i have come to realize that our bodies are incredible. it can do incredible things. it is strong. adaptable. resilient. eating right and exercising do the most amazing things INTERNALLY that we just don't see because we are so focused on the outside. but remember that it's not our dress size that keeps us alive - it's the health of our internal organs that does.

    be satisfied in that you are changing your lifestyle to live a long, healthy life. getting lean and smaller is a bonus but being healthy and free of ailments is what matters most.

    weight loss is truly a learning process for everyone - it teaches you about yourself, how far you can push yourself and how tough your mental grit is. keep up the great work and it will pay off, i promise you!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  16. I've never met a woman who is satisfied honestly. (Maybe Giselle is, but we haven't met.) I don't know if it's because of the world we live in or if it's just human nature, but I feel like even the women who do like their bodies still have those things that they think need to be improved or fat days or whatever. I wish it wasn't true but I think we're all there with you.

    PS - Too bad we didn't know each other in 2012 because if you texted me that pic and said you were fat, I'd tell you what's up. (and that being that you're crazy). hah.

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  17. Personally I have found that as I get older things start to be enough. At 36 I'm way more comfortable with who I am and how I look now than I was at any time in my 20's.That's not to say when some young pretty girl walks by I don't think to myself man I use to look like that I wouldn't mind looking like that again but I don't mind who I am either.

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  18. I think most women will never be satisfied. it's like ingrained in us. when I was scrawny in high school, I wanted to be more filled out. then I gained weight in college and wanted to be skinnier again. we seriously are never completely satisfied, so I think we all just need to work on being happy with the good things about ourselves in that moment. you're doing great and working on getting healthy, which is the most important thing!
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

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  19. I feel ya, girl! 100%. And it only gets harder as you get older. I turned 40 last year, and it's like my body has turned against me. Tough workouts and eating moderately no longer work like they used to. My metabolism has slowed WAY down. Your mom is right...We may never be satisfied, so we might as well do the best we can and push forward...happily.

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  20. I think that one of the good things about getting older is that we can look back at ourselves and realize, what the hell was I thinking?? That's part of the reason why I try to appreciate everything I have now because I know I don't want to look back in 3 or 5 or 10 years and be like, damn i had it all then and all I did was complain.

    So I think I would say that I disagree with the thought that it will never be enough or we'll never be satisfied...when you reach an age where you can reflect that you were crazy (I weighed 130 lbs at one point...I'm 5'10'' and thought I was fat! WHAT WAS I THINKING??) you start to be able to better appreciate and not be so hard on yourself. At least that's what I've found anyway! (and I'm 28!)

    ^^ sidenote - that's not to say that every woman probably would be happy to always do a few things to look "better" but I think you're just generally happier with yourself

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  21. I can relate to this so much. I was such an itty bitty thing in high school but I remember looking in the mirror and wishing I could get rid of my "love handles". Now of course I'd love to have those non-existent love handles back! haha

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  22. I've had to learn to take more pride in the effort than the results because those mother fuckers take a long time to come around. I also noticed the harder I was on myself, the less progress I made. I think it has to do with stress (stress --> extra cortisol --> slower metabolism, stress induced eating binges/poor food choices, promotes fat storage). When I finally focused on enjoying my workouts and not counting every single calorie that went into my body (just focused on eating right), the difference in progress was amazing. As women, we are always harder on ourselves. I want to lose 20 pounds turns into I want to lose 5 more pounds which turns into I want to tone my tummy more and so forth. It's natural to always have another goal but it's up to us to determine whether it will affect us positively or negatively to keep going! Also, for shits and giggles, http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1331078449117_4327821.png

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  23. It's true -- you'll never be satisfied. I've been trying to grow my bangs out for the last few months and I looked at old pictures yesterday, went home and immediately cut them myself. It's human nature! I lost 20 pounds a couple of years ago and I'm finally starting to see myself at the weight I'm at now, but I still think "Well, I could lose a few inches around my stomach," "I wish my arms were more toned," etc. You're not alone!

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  24. Girl, you are beautiful! I love this post because it is so true for a lot of women. We are never satisfied. We always see something [or a lot of things] to improve. And that is OK. There is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, but when we focus too much on the negative [especially physical] it can lead to some serious, unhealthy problems. Keep working to achieve your goal and you will feel better!

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  25. I weigh more than you (I'm working on it too) but in that dress, even at that tiny size, I can tell you have the same body type as me as far as where you hold your weight. It's not fun, because it makes you look way curvier in dresses like that, cause your weight is at the tops of the thighs and the hips. Which of course, only we notice! But, it's heart healthier for us to carry weight there as opposed to around the waist so... plus side I guess? It's hard to accept that I'll always have those areas, short of plastic surgery. I had them even when I ran track religiously. Being a woman is rough some days. Yay for spanx.

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  26. I am totally freaked out by the post because the same thoughts were going through my head yesterday. That vicious cycle of gaining and losing and gaining and losing is one of the worst feelings in the world. I would love to be able to stick to good eating habits and work out routines and not have to worry about constantly fluctuating. But everyday is a new day with a new start just remember your beautiful like your Mama says!!

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    1. Yes, if you find that secret pill let me know. :-)

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  27. So....the answer is no. We have to learn to be happy where we are. I've always wanted boobs, but there are days when I catch a glimpse of naked whit in the mirror flat chest and all and I'm like...damn thats one sexy bitch. There are other days where I'm like eff it and i throw on the most padded bra I've got. I still fantasize about a boob job...maybe one day i dunno. My hair is long and I want to chop it off, when it was short I pulled on it everyday hoping that would somehow make it grow faster. We have to learn to be happy. We have to get to that point where every time we catch ourself in the mirror we think 'damn...that's a sexy bitch!' My point is...I think you're a sexy bitch.

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  28. I know this isn't really the point of the post (a point, with which, i completely agree btw), but is that a TX Maxx dressing room? If so, then I definitely shop too much.

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  29. being content and satisfied vs. striving for your best is always such a fine line. i think at the end of the day we have to work hard, but then remember to cut ourselves some slack and focus on the good we're doing.

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  30. Thank you so much for sharing. I've been feeling this way a lot lately. I'm just never satisfied. I think Jessica Alba was quoted recently sayinv how silly she was for being insecure about her body pre-baby. And post-baby she's just accepted her body won't be the same but she can still feel secure. We have so much pressure as women to be perfect. And I don't know anyone who is perfect in everything. It's so absurd.

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  31. This post really resonates with me, in the past it wouldn't matter how many pounds I would lose it would never be enough. Now I try to set more realistic goals for myself (135lbs at 5'10" isn't happening again-highschool) and celebrate the smallest of victories. A pound lost is better than a pound gained!

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  32. AMEN!! We always want what we don't have or used to have. Your Mom was right though, you have a plan and you can totally do it!!

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  33. I agree with all 3 points your mom made! With so much pressure to look good, I think we are always going to find something to dislike about ourselves and our bodies. I have always considered myself fat. Yet, there were times when I was actually in really good shape (and I was not fat). I know you are trying to lose weight now, but I think you should also try to love your body as is (now and after the weight loss). You're beautiful at any size and weight. :)

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  34. I feel this way all the time. Will I ever be fully satisfied? I honestly don't know. I think I will always want to be skinnier, healthier, toner...you name it. It's awful. And I hate the ups and downs of weight gain. Those are awful.

    I have to get it figured out though because I have a beautiful wedding dress in my mom's closet that doesn't fit right now, so there is that. I gotta get on the ball!

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  35. I think it's hard for us all to not equate skinny with satisfied. I like to think that my world would be so perfect if I were just thin and had the right clothes - that happiness would follow. But getting to that means time away from things I love doing to go to the gym and money away from fun things to buy a new wardrobe. You can't have it all be perfect all the time, but you can always have fun on the way!

    Also, I really like your "real" posts - keep it up!

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  36. sarah, i want to hug you too! we are all this hard on ourselves. for me, its comparison. i'm constantly comparing myself to others. we always want what we dont have but you have to remember (well, me actually) the grass isn't always greener on the other side. i guess you could say this relates to you, because now you are wishing you were back to the photo size but back then, you weren't happy either. so this isn't even coming out the way im thinking it in my head but just know that you ARE beautiful and you have to be happier with yourself on the inside, and then you'll be happy on the outside too. just keep working at it. you did it once already and you surely can do it again!!!

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  37. First of all, totally off topic...I love the Christmas-ness of your blog right now, it makes me happy! Second, I'm pretty sure we all do it....I've looked back at high school pictures when I thought I was fat at 110lbs. Now I would LOOOVE to be back there lol. It sucks that we've all been made to feel as though we aren't good enough. Sadly it's usually other women who make us feel that way too.....girls need to stick up for each other and realize that we are all going through the same issues and if we keep comparing ourselves we will never be happy. Just keep working hard and you will get to a good place...it might never be a "perfect" place, but it will be wonderful none the less:)

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  38. It's such a struggle, but I have never looked at your pictures and thought of you as anything less than beautiful. It's so hard for people to look at themselves for what they really are sometimes. I know I've struggled with this for quire sometime, as many women have. I'm 20 years old, 5'4", and I don't even weigh 120. I should be happy, confident, comfortable... right? I'm still not. I'm always striving to become the best version of myself. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to improve, I do think it's important to realize that I'm actually just fine. And there is so much more to life than looks.

    Thank you for sharing this with us! I know it's a tough subject sometimes. Your mom is right. You may never be satisfied. But that's okay! You just need to be happy, comfortable, and confident. I think those are the most important things in life, not satisfaction.

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  39. I have the same issues. I worked out really hard about a year and a half ago and got pretty toned, but I can't seem to find the same motivation to work out like that again even though I want to look like that again. And as far as hair goes, it's ridiculous. I think I probably look better with short hair, because my long hair tends to get stringy, but as soon as I cut it, I just want my long hair back every time.

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  40. I know exactly what you mean. I look back at pictures of myself at 20 and I was so self-conscious about wearing a two-piece. Now I think I was CRAZY! I'd give anything to look like that again! But you're right. We will always want what we don't have!

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  41. I have the same issue and as someone who suffered with disordered eating/body image problems, the fact that there is not "bottom" to how low I'd like the number on the scale to go is scary. I also have looked at pictures of myself when I was what my "goal weight" is now and thought, "Well, when I weighed X before, I wanted to lose 15 or 20 pounds, and here I am trying to lose 30 pounds to get back to X!" So frustrating.

    I totally want to hug you. A lot. Thanks for being so open and brave.

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  42. I think we all go through this at one time or another. Or even more often then we would like. I want long hair, but then it is long and I want it shorter. I was really healthy and super active leading up to my wedding, and now I am not so active. I want to be more active, but after going to the gym religiously (4 or more times a week), I find myself going once or twice a week. I am constantly finding excuses whereas I would never meet anyone or do anything until after the gym. I love that you have put yourself out there like this. I think if I do it, I may be more motivated.

    Danielle at Sparkles and Lattes

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  43. *hugs!* i go through this too. I don't know if it's a female thing or just a human thing. but we all beat ourselves up. especially about weight. i complain all the time that "i'm fat" and then a couple weeks ago i found some pictures of me that were shocking! i was 25 pounds bigger than i am right now, i barely recognized myself. and i thought to myself "how dare you call yourself fat now". but i still do. will we ever be satisfied? does this just mean we lack confidence? damn, being a girl is hard.
    you're not alone <3

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  44. This totally hit home for me. I am the heaviest I have ever been and I remember 40 pounds ago feeling like a beast. But i think as I get older (gag me for saying that) i have realized it is all about feeling great about yourself. Eating well but not starving yourself, working out but not killing yourself. You will get there! And know that you have at least one other person in the EXACT same boat. You are fab and beautiful!
    xo

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  45. I think this is a pretty normal way we all feel at some points, and then eventually we just become content with who we are and start living in the moment. Maybe try drinking more, it seems to work for me ha?

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  46. I can completely relate! I remember my 18 year old self thinking I was overweight and how I would love to look like that again now! I typically use photos to track my progress since it's easy to forget how big a difference 5-10 lbs makes, but I try to stay away from the really old photos. That would be discouraging!!

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  47. Just to say that you are beautiful in this dress! And your mom is right!

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  48. This is obviously an epidemic--it's like in Mean Girls, when they all gather around the mirror and talk about the things they hate about themselves the most. I think we all (as women) need to first start making an effort to appreciate ourselves and what we bring to this world, and then start being more positive to other women around us. I feel like the less negative things we say about ourselves, the less we do it to others, and vice versa. Don't get me wrong, I'm the exact same way, but lately I've been trying harder to be more positive.

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  49. I think it is so hard to be satisfied because we are always seeing things and other people that are "better" while in reality they are probably looking at us thinking the same thing. Really there is no such thing as "better," only different.

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  50. Oh Sarah, you are beautiful. And that's something I need to hear myself as well, because more than any other year, I've been going through self-esteem issues this year. I think the thing is, if I looked the way I do now (which is by no means fat, but also by no means what I CAN look like given time and lots of effort) through exercise and healthy eating/living, I think I'd be much more satisfied (but never completely). I think the problem is that I've been so unmotivated to eat healthy, I have no self control when it comes to late night snacks or sweets, and I barely step foot into the gym and so I'm more disliking my attitude about being displeased with my body... and yet I'm doing nothing about it! I think I'd be a lot more satisfied if I put in more effort in becoming more fit. This probably made zero sense, but I just wanted you to know that so many of us are in a similar place!

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  51. Never, ever will this happen. I was just talking to my best friend about "what's actually wrong with me" and I think I'm addicted to consuming. One is never enough; whether that be a donut, drinks, makeup items, clothing items, boys, anything. NEVER ENOUGH! I'm pretty sure it's in our DNA as women to always want more, something better, something bigger (well in this case, smaller). It seems to be a never ending battle, but the good thing is once you surround yourself with positive people ... the battle gets a little easier every day.

    Can't wait to link up again with you this Sunday!
    › xo fal • falfindshappiness.blogspot.com

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  52. I'm so grateful to read this. Of course, I sympathize with you and know how horrible that feels, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I look at old pictures and think to myself, "I wish I looked like that now," but I also vividly remember feeling fat when the pictures were taken. I suppose all you can do is keep working to be the best version of yourself. It may never feel like enough, but if you keep improving, you can't really complain.

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  53. Like everyone else said, you look great as is! But I hear you. There's always pressure for us to compare ourselves =\ And the worst part is we can be having an awesome self-confident "I look hot as hell" day, and one little picture in a magazine or random girl in the store can ruin it. And if we're happy with our weight then we find problem with our hair, skin, teeth, clothes, furniture, jobs, and it just goes on. Thank you for sharing this on your blog! I think that so many girls see they're not alone when they read your posts and the comments your readers leave!

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  54. I used to be 60lbs heavier and I still have days where I feel fat, just because that had been my mentality for so long. I gave up a while ago on the "perfect body" because I know there is no such thing. I try not to think so much about how my body looks as what it can do, and how far it has come. And the hair thing, right now it's long and I seriously thought about going short again at my last hair appointment, but I didn't. So if I'm feeling a bit shlubby, I just do my makeup nice and put on some bright red lipstick. I always feel awesome in red lipstick. Maybe you could find something that makes you feel awesome right now?

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  55. There are no words for how much I relate to this. Now, I used to be unhealthy & overweight. I slowly lost around 80lbs over the course of about a year. I was happy with where I was when I lost that weight, but then I gained 15lbs back when I started on the birth control shot. I was still a good weight, 125.. but I thought I looked awful and tried to lose the weight again. Now, looking back, I'd LOVE to be that size again. Since then, I gained weight and got back up to 150. I'm now just above 140 & have been trying to get back to just comfortably fitting in the clothes I own. But I can't believe there was a time when I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I was fat weighing 125lbs... seriously teenage self?! NO! And I'm not even fat now. I'm still a healthy weight, but it's impossible not to compare myself to where I've been and I hate it!

    Jamie @
    The Growing Up Diaries

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  56. I feel your pain, because it's hard to not look in the mirror and see what can be "fixed"" or "improved". It's such a fine balance, especially when we are being told what beauty is by everyone and their dog. You are beautiful, strong, and smart. Your mom is so right in what she told you, because no matter how old or young women get I think we'll all always have to fight down that voice inside that points out our flaws. Just keep moving forward because you are doing amazing and by sharing your thoughts on the matter you are helping so many other women.

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  57. OMG this is so me! I look back at pictures and wish I was that "skinny" again, but then I remember that I was unhappy with myself even then. I could never enjoy myself.

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  58. If you find the answer to that question, please let the rest of us know. Because we are ALL trying to figure that out!

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  59. Girl, I feel that way all the time. Between 2011 and 2012, I lost about 50 pounds. I have since gained 30 of them back. Looking back at me at my smallest, (smaller than I had ever been in my life), I thought, "Why did I think I was fat and still needed to lose 15 pounds?" Like you said, I was the perfect weight for me. In fact, I was a little too thin for my taste. I was running 7 miles 6-7 days a week. I am NOT a runner, but I liked what it did for my body. I was barely eating anything during the week; I ate on the weekend, but nothing during the week.

    Anyhow, I am now at a place where I need to lose 20 pounds as I recover from this hysterectomy. I hope, and am determined to make it happen, that when I get there, I acknowledge that I am good enough and just where I need to be instead of hoping I can be thinner and thinner.

    *hugs*

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  60. It's sad but true that this is such a theme for us ladies. I felt the same way this time last year when I was at my lowest weight since high school - my post breakup weight loss - and I still didn't feel skinny enough. Now I feel gigantic since I've gained like 30 lbs in a year. It's awful! Makes you feel crappy! But we are beautiful and I hope one day that will be enough for us!

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  61. It's funny I was thinking the same thing the other day...I'm a good bit heavier than I was a few years ago (like 20 pounds, yikes!!!) and I remember thinking back then and feeling so fat and huge and I realized how much I took for granted then. Will it ever be enough? Hopefully someday when I'm back at that weight again, I'll remember where I am right now and it will be, but we'll see.

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  62. Oh how I hear you... And yet, how I wish I didn't. I've lost twenty pounds since April and all I can think about it how I have another 10 I want to lose... Not because it's threatening my health or even noticeable to others, but because I still think I'm pudgy. It doesn't matter what my husband or other people think because I'm convinced I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, well kept enough... BUT I AM ENOUGH. Just like you and every other woman...

    I want to hug you and say forget those feelings and love you now... But I realize I'm hardly able to say that to myself most days!

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  63. You are not alone. I think all/most girls feel this way. Honestly, I try to remember that "comparison is the thief of joy" whether it's comparing you to your past or to others. I know it's not easy. I struggle with "not being enough" everyday!

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  64. Fat????????????
    What fat, I can show you fat

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  65. First, you're not fat. Second, this is something that many women including myself, struggle with. I constantly have a "bad" food day and I look in the mirror and see the extra calories dripping off my hips, etc. But it's all about balance and a healthy lifestyle I've learned. You still have to enjoy a cookie or peanut m&m's once and a while but do it for you, not for an image!

    xo, Nina
    afterthe40barfinish

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  66. I know exactly what you mean girlie and it sucks. I think a few months ago I found my food journal where I would jot down what I would eat and I wrote my weight then and I wanted to lose 20 more pounds. Now I wish I was the weight I wrote down and not lose 20 more pounds. It wasn't my ideal weight, but I was happy because I could fit into my clothes again. I miss that feeling.

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  67. Sarah. This post made me cry. You know why? Because THIS is how I feel. When I was running 10-15 miles a week this summer, I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I never wanted to lose weight, but all of the sudden I got caught up in this whole expecting results thing. I haven't run regularly since August and lately, I've been struggling with the way I look at my body. Being with all the SUPER thin girls in school, either. I'm a comparison kinda person. Thank you, Sarah, for making me recognize that though I might not ever be satisfied, I AM still beautiful. I AM me. And that IS enough.

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  68. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret since I hate talking about my weight because people always think I'm bragging and just wanna complain- but I fluctuate between 101 and 107 and even I am not satisfied with my body. It's all about fat content and I have flab just like everybody else, there is absolutely NO muscle tone whatsoever, and I wish I had some. I want so badly to actually get in shape and GAIN weight so I can have some muscle on me! Everyone has something they don't like about their body, we all just need to learn to love ourselves in the mean time of getting to that point where we're happy.

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  69. I feel ya, I was just thinking the other day about how much I loved my hair when I first cut it short and how cute I thought it was and then immediately thought about how I couldn't curl it at that length though so maybe I should grow it out instead. As for the weight I have always thought about how in shape I was in high school and keep wishing I could get my body back to that, but when I recently looked back at those pictures I realized I can nitpick those images too. I'm never going to be perfect with the perfect short, cute, perfect length for curling and braiding hair and perfectly toned and tan, yet not too tan or too toned, but no matter what I am always going to be me and that's all I really need to be!

    -- SarahChristine

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  70. SO true. My sister in law sent me an Ecard that said, "I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat."

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  71. So true - I look back at pictures of myself from high school and can't believe how thin and beautiful I looked - but I didn't realize it!

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  72. Being skinny is not all that it's cracked up to be and I'm skinny. I work in the film industry and those are the ugliest women I've ever encountered and this is coming from a skinny bitch. You'll go from diet to diet gym to gym but you'll never be happy with the results. I live in Hollywood, the worst place to be a woman, but I just don't care about what they say is beautiful. Reality is a much better place to live in when it comes to beauty.

    Words to live by "Being healthy is beautiful, being healthy is sexy."

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  73. I think its a rare but awesome thing when we can 100% appreciate and enjoy where we are--and be content with that! I don't expect my body to be perfect--and I have my bad hair days like everybody else, but I do seek to just be content with what I have! Because otherwise my attitude would be rather wasteful.

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  74. This is SO true!! My friend and I were just talking about how we wish we were as "fat" now as we thought we were when we were younger. I hope that I can find a place where I am satisfied but I don't know if that actually exists either.

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  75. I agree! Well put. Thanks for putting this out there, because obviously there's a lot of us that feel this way.

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  76. I love this post so much! I think it is just ingrained in us women to want what we don't have. I've always been the worst about weight and wanting straight hair, but in the end, if I were that way I would hate it even more!

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  77. I love how relatable this post is. There's not a girl in the world who hasn't felt this way whether you're 80 lbs or 380 lbs.

    Its so important for us to love ourselves. And it's especially important to want to get healthy for the right reasons. It can't be about the numbers or the mindset that it will transform our lives into something crazy amazing. Because then we won't ever be satisfied.

    Just remember to be kind to yourself. We're all in the same boat :)

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  78. I can never be satisfied . Actually , real humans can NEVER be satisfied with any/everything they have . If not so , they're not humans (aliens? JK) . So go on friend :)
    Noor | Noor's Place

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  79. I think it comes with being a woman. I'm never satisfied either. But you keep up the good work. You look amazing and I'm sure you're showing a ton of progress!!

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  80. As a curly headed girl I can tell you that I don't long for straight hair. It's just too boring for me. But I get what you're saying. I remember when I dropped 35 pounds and was the smallest I'd been in a while. I felt too fat to be in a bikini. Now, I'm longing to be that size again.

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  81. My dear, you are beautiful. Believe in yourself and set small goals. Find happiness in the way you feel and not what you think you see in the mirror. We are the worst critics of ourselves.

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  82. My aunt has been working on loosing weight for years now. She's obsessed with it and she's lost over 150 pounds. She looks amazing and looks like a stick to me, but she still sees herself as that chubby woman who she used to see in the mirror. She constantly complains about things that have occurred to her body because of her weight loss, like her "flabby arms" and has even considered plastic surgery to remove her "extra skin". She might have a little extra, but like I said, she looks amazing. We just don't see ourselves how others see us. Someone might be thinking that we are beautiful in every way while we tear ourselves down as we stand in front a mirror.

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  83. Girl, I get you. I was a size 8 in college and thought I was A COW. I hovered around 150lbs and was unhappy. Fast forward 4-5 years later and I had ballooned to over 240lbs. I have lost 25ish lbs so far and would kill to be back to my size in college. If anything, it has given me perspective in my weight loss goals! But it is true how you wonder if you will ever be satisfied. It's tough when you feel as though what you see in the mirror is awful...I ddeal with it a lot more than I wish I did. Maybe because all I ever see is the rolls and the belly and the things I know have been much smaller in the past...

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  84. i can't figure out how to word my comment, but i totally agree. we're never satisfied no matter what. we will be for a short time, and then wonder what the next step/goal is and work to that. i remember being weighed my first year of college softball and thinking i was soooo heavy. i was in the greatest shape ever just a little meaty. i'm now 30 lbs heavier than that which isn't thaaaaat much in 7 years, but i couldn't exercise like i did then. i hate myself for not maintaining. keep up the good work though lady! power through these holidays!

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  85. Its like you read my diary, pretty sure this exact post in there like eleventh billion times lol

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  86. Girl, I feel you. I so, so SO feel you. I don't know what it is about being a woman, but we are just never happy. At all.
    It must be something about the holiday photos or feasts or something, because I am seeing A LOT of these kinds of posts (I even wrote one myself, a couple months ago-http://theboccis.blogspot.com/2013/10/my-mom-likes-to-tell-this-story-about.html). It's weird--this being satisfied is such a burden on our hears, as women, and it's one that seems rarely achieved. Why? Why is it so hard to love where we are?
    I'm only just realizing that the women in my life who have, I think, "perfect" figures, have body issues, too. It baffles me how these effortlessly skinny women obsess over what they eat and get boob jobs. Why? How? If you can be skinny without effort, why change that? How can you whine about it? Especially when I gain five pounds and extra cellulite just by looking at a cheeseburger? But they sincerely believe they have major flaws. Just like I sincerely believe I have major flaws. That can't be redeemed except by major body makeover. But maybe I will never get there--maybe I will never achieve my "ideal" because maybe it's not within my DNA. Oh well. We have to learn to be happy there, right? BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.
    I think you're beautiful and should be so very, very proud. Thank you so much for your honesty here :]

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  87. I struggle with the same thing and I am so disgusted with myself for it! I have made a goal for myself to reach a realistic number on the scale and figure out how to maintain that instead of always striving to be thinner. This was a great read and I appreciate you putting it out there. Makes me feel better about how I feel.

    Cheers,
    Alyson

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  88. i struggle with this like no other which is why you should join me for the you are beautiful linkup tomorrow!! i want to create an uplifting atmosphere where everyone can feel uplifted and loved no matter what they weigh, no matter what they look like. we are all so hard on ourselves and the linkup is to make people feel that they are not alone and that they ARE beautiful. i remember being skinny last year and i still thought i was fat but now that i am heavier, i look back at my wedding pictures and think "i was so skinny! what happened! i hate myself." i don't want to think like that, because at my wedding i still was self conscious and thought i was fat. join the linkup!

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