It is kind of humorous to me how people joke about being an alcoholic. Quotes like the one above, talking about going out and getting all schnockered up and making poor decisions with friends on the dance floor or discussing with co-workers how badly you need to get your hands on a drink as soon as you clock out. Saddest part is I have done all the above! I bet you have too.
These are all very alcoholic sounding things to say but as long as you are NOT an alcoholic, people laugh, agree about how it would be lovely to have a peach margarita on the rocks with salt (yum!) at your lunch meeting for work, and joke with the group, "Hey! It's five o'clock somewhere!"
Well, what if you are an alcoholic.
If you say those things above to anyone you are with that knows you have a drinking problem I seriously doubt anyone will suggest to you that it's five o'clock somewhere, indulge. There is a big difference between sneaking a cocktail with a long time friend you haven't seen in forever on your lunch break, and downing a fifth of jack you packed in your flask for the commute on the subway to work at 7:30a.m.
If you have a drinking problem, your career will inevitably plummet real quick because no one respects you and certainly wouldn't want to sit in a cubicle next to you when your mouth smells like yesterday's news.
Do you really think it is different with an athletic career? Can you imagine being blessed with a tremendous amount of God given athletic ability, getting $10 mil a year to play a game you love and then flushing it down the porter potty because you're an alchy!
So here's to you, former professional athlete, for opening a spot up on my fantasy roster for someone who can handle their booze. DUI, you're NOT my guy! You're rich you freak, yellow cab only costs like 10 bucks home from the bar!
The following are pro athletes who swapped their penthouse suites for a more humble abode, REHAB!
1. Mike Tyson- Boxer. Also known as that guy from the hangover who owned the tiger that wound up in their bathroom the next morning.
2. Donte Stallworth- Wide Receiver with the Cleveland Browns. DUI Manslaughter. At least he wore a suit...
3. Tonya Harding- Figure skater. DUI- 2002.
It's just like I always say, "I'm a much better ice skater after I have been drinking... after a few cocktails my triple Salchow is sick!"
4. Charles Barkley- Legendary basketball player. DUI arrest 2008.
Ran a stop sign. When the officer asked Sir Charles why he ran a stop sign? Sir Charles responded with, "I was in a hurry for oral sex, she is on the corner up there, admit it, she is hott isn't she?" I kid you not, this happened. You just can't make this stuff up! Mug shot to prove it:
5. Joe Namath- No DUI here, just thought we would end with a classic crazy drunk creepy old guy.
Namath is one of the most famous and talented quarterbacks of all time. After 13 years in the NFL, he holds a membership in the football hall of fame to prove his awesomeness.
"Hi, my name is Joe and I like to party." "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii JOEEEEEE!"
Special thanks to youtube user Bradshaw3001 for this gem of a video...
Man, I'm thirsty. Oh shoot! Happy hour started at Applebee's 10 minutes ago. I gotta run.
Promise me one thing, when you think about getting a hooker, pause and remember to obey the law...
Just come to a complete stop at any stop signs before you pick them up on the corner!
Happy drinking Venus lovers!
Images courtesy of from top to bottom: