Venus Trapped in Mars

09 August 2010

Football 101: Offensive Positions

Next we are going to go over offensive player positions. This is very in-depth and confusing and you get into variations on the offense, special teams blah blah blah... With that said, I'm going to give you the super-easy-to-understand-impress-the-guys-in-your-life-version! Your welcome!
Let's start with this diagram I made.
Yes, I drew this myself and yes I went to school for art. PSYCH (totally a communications major! hah!)

Ok so see the guys with fat triangles, they are the offensive line. We will call them the "fattys".
Then the guys with no triangles, they are the rest of your offensive players and we will call them the "hotties" because they get all the love and attention from girls and are the most appreciated on the field.

"The Fattys"
So we will talk about the fattys first and get them over with. Duh!

Think of the fattys as wingmen for the hotties. The fattys protect the hotties from danger, but are the total reason the hotties are able to score.

Ok, I'm totally going to drop a Jersey Shore reference to help you understand better.

This reference stars "The Situation"
And "Pauly D"

There was an episode where "The Situation" and "Pauly D" go out together. We will pretend Pauly D is a fatty (even though he clearly would never be the fatty but just go with it) and the Situation is a hottie. Pauly D was on a mission to help The Situation get with this really pretty girl, but the pretty girl had a super ugly friend (aka the GRENADE) that followed her around everywhere she went. Pauly D blocked the grenade from messing up what the situation was trying to do with the hottie. He took a grenade hit for the team!

AKA Pauly D blocked so the Situation could score!

Let's go through the offensive line by each position

Center- Leader of the Fattys. The play starts by him tossing the ball back to the quarterback. Keep in mind this is the guy that sometimes, depending on the play, gets his bootay caressed by the quarterback!
Guards- There is a left and right guard. I bet you can guess who goes where! If you can't then we are in trouble here! They have 2 jobs. Job 1 - on a play where the quarterback is passing, they block the defense from getting to the quarterback (QB) and it gives the QB more time to throw. Or if they are going to run the ball down the field, they attempt to create a hole in the defense for the runner to move through.

Tackles- These dudes are HUGE. Not someone you would want to meet in a dark alley. We are talking 6'6 or taller and 330 pounds or more. Needless to say the Golden Corral turns the open sign off when they see these guys roll up in their parking lot. Their job is to keep the defenders from running AROUND the offensive line to get to the quarterback.

And do you remember this guy?
Well, he is a tackle. The left tackle to be exact. Most quarterbacks are right handed and tend to predominantly look only to their right, thus generally getting hit hard from the left side. The left tackles job is to protect that left side or the QB's BLIND SIDE.... eh eh eh! Get it? Just like the movie! I bet if you had that bit of knowledge you would have not been as confused about what his role was on the team, while you were crying like a sniveling school girl!

Now, the left tackles who are real real good are some of the highest paid on a team. You are looking at 10 million a year. So those looking for a sugar daddy, look up! But if you are going to date a left tackle, I would get yourself a sam's club membership because guuuurl you better learn to cook in bulk!

Tight End- Ok so let's think of the tight end as the comedian of the group. He is not as popular as your hotties are and is still technically part of the fattys but in clutch situations he bails out the QB and is acknowledged as a hottie! Your probably like what?!

So time for another dating reference. Well, who do we generally settle down with ladies? When all is said and done and you dated the hotties like the QB, Running Back, etc. and they didn't work out, don't we all end up wanting to settle down with someone who may not be as attractive as the guys you dated in the past but you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.

After none of the other guys can come through for you, there is the tight end who may have not been an attractive target in the beginning but he gets the job done in the end when everyone else screwed you over. I want Adam Sandler to be my tight end!

The tight end is a mix of a hottie and a fatty. His number one goal is to be a fatty and protect the quarterback. But, if it looks like the QB is in trouble because of a bunch of grenades running at him, the tight end must then make himself available for a quick pass from the QB. And voila, a fatty gets some love from the crowd

So that wraps up the offensive line... let's move on to some hotties!!!

Quarterback- I'm not going to focus on the QB as much as I am everyone else because I'm sure he is the player on the field you actually do know! He is the leader, the queen bee, the president, the man's man blah blah blah. He is the one everyone loves and knows. He throws long passes, hands off for detrimental runs and calls the shots.

Here are some things you may not know. The quarterback is a pansy and can't get hit. I'm not saying that he can't TAKE a hit he just does everything he can to not get hit. If your QB gets hit and he is out of the game, he is very difficult to replace. With that said, you will RARELY see a QB that will try and run the ball. There are running QBs out there but you are generally taking a risk.... for instance guess who is a running QB............. I'll give you a hint, he doesn't like puppies.

Yes. Michel Vick, can we say risky investment!

Anyways I digressed. But I don't have much else to say about the QB other than he is the heart and soul of your team. You lose him to an injury (or puppy mill) you lose your team. Cough Atlanta Falcons Cough.

Full Back- Lines up behind the QB as you can see in my very detailed drawing. Similar to a Fatty but he gets to be cool and line up with the hotties. Two Jobs. Job 1- if the team is running he runs with the running back and blocks everyone who tries to stop the running back. Job 2- if passing he hangs out right next to the quarterback and blocks anyone who tries to get to him.

Think of your full back as that girl in high school who was always trying to be in the popular crowd. She wants to be popular soooo bad that she is going to be completely possessive and sabotage anyone who tries to get in her way of that dream. The dream of sucking up to the popular kids.

If the running back is the "IT" girl, your full back is there. If the QB has the ball, might as well forget any chance of getting to him because the fullback will be attached at the hip.

Running Back- 2nd most important person on the field next to the QB. First job is obviously to run. If he is handed the ball, he has to find a hole in the defense and move the ball down the field. Second job is if the QB calls a pass play, he will block with the fattys for a couple seconds then make himself available for a pass from the QB. Thats pretty much it, but very important. Him and the QB are BFFs! I don't know if you remember the trend of the friendship necklaces that had the yin and the yang...
...but if you do, the best way to describe this is that the QB would buy the necklace and keep the yin side and give the yang part to the running back to wear! No matter what they always make a promise to come through for each other. Pinkie swear!

Receivers- So the last 2 positions left on my chart are the split end (aka wide receiver) and the flanker.

The split end is that guy on the far left of the field. He gets put way out there on the side so that it spreads the defense out and widens the playing field so on a run play the running back has an easier time finding a hole.

And by that I mean he really gets put all the way out there because there is not enough room for his huge ego and all those fattys to be together in the middle of the field. Just can't fit!

This is the fastest, most athletic guy on the field, and let me tell ya, he knows this. He spends about half the time running to catch the ball and then the other half celebrating how awesome he thinks he is.

Think of him and the QB as dancers. Do you remember when you were in dance as a little girl and you had your routines. You had specific steps you were supposed to take on specific counts. One two three, one two three, one two three. Everyone around you had to take their steps at the right time too. If the girls around you missed a step you would inevitably bumb into each other and the routine would be ruined.Same with the QB and wide receiver. These are called "routes" instead of routines like in dance class. The QB knows to count off his steps backward and knows exactly how many steps back it will take for the wide receiver to get down the field and into the correct position. And vice versa, the wide receiver knows exactly how long it takes the QB to make those steps backwards. Just one wrong move and disaster can happen and he either misses the target completely, or the QB throws to the wrong team!

Then finally is the flanker, another receiver. He is an easy target for the QB to throw to because he usually runs short quick routes and gets the ball a lot. Since he is further back from the offensive line, it makes it harder for the defense to get to him and easier to quickly throw to him for a few quick and easy yards!

Why don't you go share with a guy (dad, boss, boyfriend) that you heard that Santana Moss (FYI plays for the Washington Redskins) was recently moved from split end to flanker and that you think that will really help the 'Skins short game. Let me know what he says! If I were you I would try and change the subject right after that since we are only on like tutorial 3 of football 101! But I promise it will get you some attention! :)
Santana Moss- #89 for the Redskins



So you are over halfway there on knowing the game of football! How do you feel?

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Me!
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6 comments :

  1. Brilliant AND FUNNY! I GET IT!

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  2. Thanks leesielou!!! Thanks for the follow toooo!! <3 Venus

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  3. Love it Venus! Now we need a post on Defense 101!!

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  4. LOVE. thanks for writing this. I feel better prepared for Saturday. And then Sunday. And then Thursday.

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  5. First of all I want to thank you guys so much for reading! Kari- defense 101 is in the works for ya :) Linda- don't forget about Monday night football!

    Thanks for the comments <3 Venus

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  6. One of my friends recommended I read this post. I've been attending football games since my husband played in high school, but I can't keep up. I end up people watching instead. I love the way you explained the fattys and the hotties. Two of my son's friends came over the other day and I impressed them telling them all about their positions (they are both fattys but I didn't call them that). CAN'T WAIT to learn about the defensive positions!

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