Venus Trapped in Mars

10 March 2016

Love Your Body?


I cried out of no where the other night. I cried very, very hard. It was on CB's shoulder, like, literally tears fell onto his shoulder. This blog's broken record is back, but I hate my body. You'd think on National Women's Day, with every female posting pictures inspiring women to BE THEIR BEST SELF and LOVE WHO YOU ARE that I would have taken some of that advice. My body makes me so unbelievably sad. CB tells me all the time that he thinks I'm perfect but I'm simply incapable of believing him. 

I hate everything about the way I look and I cannot shake that feeling no matter what someone else says about me. So many women posted online a couple of days ago about loving yourself, how do I do that? I certainly love who I am as a person, but I hate what I see in the mirror, so much that it occasionally brings me to tears. 

I've been working out and attempting to eat healthy for months, but for every step forward I make, I take twelve backwards on the weekends. 

Yes, I said I (ME, SARAH, NO ONE ELSE) take twelve steps backward. It's just so damn hard. I sound like I'm whining instead of taking action, and that might be the case. I don't have a diary though, just this blog, so I'll wine whine if I want to. 

As I've mentioned, I've joined weight watchers for the billionth time. I both love and hate WW. I love the accountability and the program itself, but I hate sitting through those meetings. They swear up and down that the meetings are essential to your weight loss, so I sit there for half an hour as I'm told. 

That 30 minute meeting consists of the women (and the occasional male) talking about food. Some ramble about their problems with food. Some bitch that their husbands just "don't understand" and will come home with fried chicken in tow that they simply can't resist. Some ladies talk about snacking on chocolate pie at 2 in the morning. 

Then there are the story tellers of the group. Those ladies spend the entire time talking about literally EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of EVERY SINGLE MEAL they ate the entire week. 

"Well, on Monday morning I woke up I looked in the cupboard and I grabbed an english muffin and I put that in the toaster. Then I got some laughing cow cheese-----THE REDUCED FAT KIND, HAVE YOU GUYS FOUND THAT ONE AT KROGERS YET?----- and spread that on the toasted english muffin and got out some spinach and threw that on there too. Then around 10am I got eight bananas out to eat. Then for lunch.....

They always lose my attention when they call it Krogers. THERE IS NO S in Kroger!!!!!!

Did I mention that everyone at the meeting is easily twice as old as I am? We don't have the same problems. It's hard to relate, and when I leave I'm just left wanting their husband to bring ME fried chicken.

One thing I always tell people that if every day were a Tuesday, I'd be golden. During the work week I'm a drill sergeant with working out and eating healthy, nothing can sway me. Then Friday rolls around and I swear it's like a challenge to see how much of the work week I can undo.

In my life, our weekend fun revolves around food and booze. This past weekend, we went to Shreveport and had fun eating all the food and booze. This coming weekend I am going to NOLA with my college girlfriends and we will have all the fun eating food and drinking booze. The weekend after that is the St. Pats parade in Dallas which will include all of the fun food and fun booze.

Every weekend. Fun.
Every weekend. Pounds.

I feel dumb AF writing this. I clearly see what I need to do. The problem there is that I see it as STOP HAVING FUN, rather than HAVE FUN, JUST NOT SO MUCH FUN. How do I convince myself that I can still have fun, but not at every single weekend meal?

I don't wanna....
But I also don't want to feel this way when I look in the mirror, or see a photograph of myself.
So maybe I do wanna.




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33 comments :

  1. This post is exactly what I needed to read today. Reading it felt like you were telling my story.

    I spent the entire month of January (minus Friday nights) being a really good girl. I ate healthy, kept track of my calorie intake, worked out, and wore my Fitbit religiously. The February came and it all went downhill. I've been lecturing myself daily for weeks that today will be the day I get back on track, but today passes, and tomorrow comes, and I'm sitting here drinking Pepsi, stuffing my face with chips. And feeling like a massive, bloated, failure.

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  2. I completely understand! I've gained over 20 pounds over the last couple years that I'd like to lose. I have one pair of jeans that fits, a lot of clothes that don't fit, and then a lot of clothes that fit but don't look good. I have some days that I do really well, and then other days that I'm too easily distracted by something healthy and completely undo the days I'm eating well.

    I think moderation is the key. And cheat meals instead of cheat days. So if you can keep yourself in check for 2 meals on the weekend, you could splurge for the other. Or using a workout as incentive to cancel out a less healthy meal. Obviously, I'm not an expert since I haven't been successful either, but I think those are good places to start.

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  3. First of all, I want you to know you're not alone. Whether or not that actually helps, repeat it to yourself daily. Second, and I know I need to take my own advice when I say this, instead of telling yourself "just stop eating so much" or "have fun, but not too much fun," you need to look at the deeper reasons for why you eat. Or why you don't have the self control to stop. If it were so easy for you (myself included) to go out on the weekends and just have a little taste here and there, we would be doing it by now. It must be rooted in some deeper issue. Personally, I'm a comfort eater. When something is not going my way, not to worry! food will be the quick fix. It feels good to eat, and it's a method of instant gratification. But the long play, the delayed but lasting gratification of treating out bodies right, begins with a shift in mindset.

    So reread your post, print it out, and then rip it up. Because you are more than your body. You are more than what you see in the mirror. If you're anything like me then you seek out these statements and follow body positive Pinterest and Instagram accounts to remind yourself of these facts everyday, but they are true. You just have to start believing them. Then start to make small changes to reinforce those awesome qualities about yourself. Think about all the things your body does for you: arms to wrap around your boyfriend, legs to walk your dogs with, a butt to lounge on the couch, shoulders to carry shopping bags into the house, and more. Now start thinking about what you can do to give back to your body. Start recognizing when you're eating to fix a mental woe or a physical craving. And work a little bit more each day. Small changes every 2 weeks. Write down everything, and do it for how you feel, how your clothes fit, how your body moves throughout the day, not what you see in the mirror. Because the process works inside out.

    <3 You can do it.

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  4. "He tells me all the time that he thinks I'm perfect but I'm simply incapable of believing him." < Me.

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  5. Preach Girl Preach!

    This is me all the time too! not to mention the fact that I just really enjoy eating and sweets :p but just keep going.. I feel like even if you take 12 steps back every weekend, you're still being active and trying to be more healthy and hopefully as time goes on it'll be easier to cut out things that might be worse than others. At least that's the way I like to think of it :) and I've done the WW thing too but couldn't get on board and I totally know what you mean with those meetings! LOL but anyway.. don't stress too much you are definitely not alone and we are all in this together :) great post!

    ..diana
    www.dianamechelle.com

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  6. Ugh, it's all so hard and so heartbreaking, isn't it?! So crummy that you feel this way but I think most of us have been there at one point or another :( Weekends are definitely the hardest for me as well, during the week I'm ON POINT... what I've learned about the weekends (and this probably isn't any crazy new revelation for you), is everything in moderation. Really, if I know I'm going to be drinking wine all night I make sure to eat the right foods to soak up the alcohol but I don't over eat, I just try to be aware of where my day/night is going to take me.

    Also, I know it's so hard to imagine, but the best motivation was seeing results for me. I gave it a few weeks where I really buckled down, even on the weekends. No fries and burgers, if I was drinking it was vodka & diet tonics not my beloved Long Island Ice Teas... Once I started to see results it was so much easier to WANT to take things down a notch, and I still have a lot of fun, promise :)

    Good luck!!

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  7. Preaching to the choir girlfriend! I work my butt off during the week (even going so far as to not have any wine at an Avalanche game on a Wednesday.. WHAT) but the weekends are a free for all. I have found lately that if I have a somewhat low key night on Friday and get up early to get a workout in on Saturday morning, it helps me make somewhat smarter decisions through the rest of the weekend.

    Also, when people add an S to Nordstrom it makes me want to jump off a cliff.

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  8. I know your pain and I'm feeling you... and I'm also emailing you right meow!

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  9. Thank you for being so honest. Sometimes I get so GD sick of the whole "I love my imperfections" mantra, because I just end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong when I look at my flat chest or long nose and think "I hate this."

    One quote I really like is "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!" I hope you find the balance between fun and health, and you're able to love (or like or at least tolerate) what you see in the mirror, but in the meantime, at least know that you're actually LIVING your life, which a lot of people never do.

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  10. You will get to where you want to be in no time. Also who in the world eat 8 banana's. I get there free point but still. Also I'm from Michigan and we add S to everything. Even when there no S in the word. I have no clue why we do this.

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  11. I am the same way, hardcore all week long then happy hour on Friday comes and bam... open mouth insert booze and food. I look at women that pick and sip and think how in the hell do they do that??? I'm going to stop at Krogers tonight and pick up some wine anyways... Cheers!

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  12. Don't feel dumb posting this! It's your blog and your feelings! And I am so there with you. I hate my body right now and I hate saying that but its true. And I need to find the motivation to do something about it versus just complaining about it. Hope you're feeling better.

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  13. I can't AMEN this fast enough. Seriously. I hate my body right now too, and i take 3 steps forward and 6 back, and I still want to have funnnnnnnnnn. Way to put it out there, honestly. I needed to read this today. Bad.

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  14. If you figure it out let me know. The weekends are my downfall and I refuse to not have fun. Fun = food and beer. It just does.

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  15. this isn't dumb at all. it's how MOST of us feel. or at least, i do. all of the time. it's so hard. it's just so so hard.

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  17. Do you log your food on anything like My Fitness Pal? I have done that from time to time and it helps me see how much fat/calories I'm consuming when I'm eating out. It doesn't stop me from having fun and eating out but it does help me make better choices when I go out to eat. I don't need to eat ALL the food every day, I can pick and choose and eat the things I really enjoy. I stopped eating some desserts if I don't love them. If I see a plate of desserts, if there isn't anything I love then I'll pass and save my splurges for things I really like. Same with booze, I don't need frozen, sugary drinks all the time, its all about choices and moderation.

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  18. This!!! So much of this! I have a short story for you and I promise it will be worth it. Dane threw my scale away two years ago as of March 1st. Why? Because I'm a psychopath when it comes to weighing myself and he was sick of it ruling me. Anyway. He threw it out. On Monday when I was at my friends house using the bathroom, I saw a scale peeking out from the corner. I thought OH WHAT THE HELL! And I weighed myself. And the number staring back at me was the largest number I've ever seen in my life. I've felt sick to my stomach ever since Monday and it's a feeling I can't seem to shake. I've struggled with weight and body image my entire life (posted here and there on the blog, but mostly the problem lives in my head and in my day-to-day life). My solution has been killing my self at the gym all week and sustaining myself on fresh meat and veggies. I know it's not the answer and I know that muscle weighs more than fat but when you struggle mentally with it -- none of those "hard facts" matter. I love you for posting this and I think that you're beautiful.

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  19. This is exactly me, down to those damn meetings! I think the one thing WW is helping me with is balancing eating out on the weekends with healthy meals on the weekends, and also feeling less guilty for eating out. I save all my weekly points for the weekends so I dont beat myself up by indulging. Maybe try planning out what you're going to eat on the weekend the same way you might during the week?

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  20. I hear ya girl!!! Ugh I feel the same way at times!!

    My biggest thing is when I diet I fail because I completely deprive myself of what I like!

    Have you ever heard of the 21 day fix!? I did that and it seriously made me feel so much better because I was educated about how to eat properly! I use to get so mad at the girls that could eat donuts! Haha now I enjoy one every once and awhile and dont feel guilty!

    If you have any questions let me know!! And know that you truly are beautiful! Your body doesn't make you beautiful! Your confidence and how you carry yourself :)

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  21. If it's any consolation at all you are totally not alone. :)

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  22. I can't imagine you hate EVERYthing about yourself. You're gorgeous, first of all and you seem to have great hair all the time and a killer smile. Try to focus on the positives that you can be positive about.
    Second - weight watchers is definitely outdated and while the point system can work, those meetings do not sound helpful at all.
    I am not a slim person and have struggled with being average yet somewhat overweight my whole life, with big boobs and stomach, otherwise I'm pretty strong overall and describe myself as thick or healthy. It's HARD. But you don't have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to exercise and keeping healthy. It's important to listen to your body and know when you feel full or eat too much. Keep healthier foods and snacks on hand and up the water intake. With exercise, just start with walking! Walk places that almost seem silly to drive to. You have dogs, take them on a vigorous 30 minute walk each day and that will make a HUGE difference. That, and trying to minimize drinking as much as you can. Because a heavy night of drinking can ruin a weeks worth of eating healthy and exercising.
    You do have a lot fun to be had, but it's more about making better choices about portions (and the restaurants in the US are so good about giving you way too much, making it easy to eat too much) and listening to your body.
    And lastly - one thing I keep reminding myself is that first, I want to be healthier. If I slip and eat something bad, move on and learn from it. Like drinking but not the hangover? Remind yourself of that before you go out. Like the affects after you exercise? Remind yourself that you won't regret if you just do it. You WILL regret not working out and after a few days of avoiding it, you then feel like you do now. Depressed, hopeless.. Exercise does wonders for keeping a positive outlook. So keep it simple. And blog about it. We're your support!!

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  23. I'm feeling such the same way! I use to be skinny after I called off my wedding in 2010. I lost so much weight, was skinnier than I was in high school and was so happy. When I started seeing my boyfriend, I gained a couple extra pounds but it was ok, I was at a happy point. Then I hit some depressing points, moved and had nothing else to do but work and eat out of boredom at home and gained way more weight than I had ever had. I finally had enough in December and even got a treadmill for Christmas because it was the only workout I ever did (and how I lost a lot of that weight to begin with) . I've lost ten pounds with twenty more to go to get back to where I was close to being before and my boyfriend tells me I've always been attractive then and now but I just don't feel it. I can't fit into my clothes and I can't find that motivation I had before to workout when I should and be stricter on eating healthy and less. I have no idea why when I know I want the weight loss so bad. Thanks for your story, makes me feel less alone dealing with this.

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  24. For me, cutting out alcohol has really, really been key. I hear what you're saying at the end -- our society has built up this idea that going out with friends, celebrating, etc. just automatically involves alcohol. Where do we meet our friends? For drinks! How do we network at professional events? Over drinks! Drinks, drinks, drinks. Even if you're not trying, it's just become such a casual, integrated part of society.

    Anyways, soapbox, off. The thing for me came in realizing that I would have just as much (if not more) fun with my friends if I have only one drink when I'm out on a weekend versus more. I love my friends for who they are, and I have fun with them with or without alcohol, so why add those extra calories (and stress over working them off later) into the mix? You'll have fun either way.

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  25. YES! I feel exactly the same way, and by reading the comments above me I can see that we all do. It's harddddd on the weekends. Weekends are for fun and for me fun is a beer or two with friends and dinner. I am fantastic about sticking with eating healthy during the week and getting some sort of exercise, but the second Saturday rolls around I fall right off the bandwagon again.

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  26. It must have been hard to write a post like this, but that's the great thing about blogging. Looking at all the comments, you're not alone! I feel the same way you do- I eat healthy and work out, get bored or think I made progress, and fall off the wagon. My fiance is supportive no matter what and always tells me I look great, but that doesn't change how you see yourself, I get that. I do it all- bored eating, impulse eating, emotional (we got into a fight and I ate a whole can of Pringles in my car. I hated myself the entire time).
    Everything online makes it look so easy. Drink water instead of a cocktail! Salad instead of fries! Treat yourself when you meet a goal! Meal plan! It's not that easy. I have pretty much zero self control with food, and I recognize it, but somehow I CAN NOT get myself to change, no matter how much I want to. It's embarrassing and depressing and makes me feel horrible and immature and every other horrible thing.
    The other hard thing is that my SO has worked out almost every single day for... 10+ years. His metabolism is insane. He'll skip the gym for a week bc of vacation, eat whatever he wants, and has literally lost weight. In the meantime, I eat whatever he does. I went to the gym for 30min yesterday? I can eat 2 bagels and a milkshake too! No. He offers to help me at the gym but I feel too embarrassed, like he'd judge me if I failed. And I know he never ever would, and it's just another excuse I make up. It's a horrible situation.

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  27. I came back again today to read this and just wanted to tell you that today is a new day. Every single day is a new day. All I've been wanting to do lately is go to the store and buy a scale. It's a sad reality for me these days. Just know that you aren't alone and you ARE beautiful. Your reply yesterday really resonated for me. Sending love XOXO

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  28. Girl, I think it's time for you to make a change. What your doing isn't making you happy, so why keep doing it? Instead of Weight Watchers, why not find a workout group where you feel encouraged and supported? Instead of trying so hard to stick to Weight Watchers every day, why not stay focused during the week and have weekends off. I'm sure CB would be awesome and take you out for a hike or walk with your dogs, to help balance out anything unhealthy you may have had.

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  29. Honestly, having a few extra chicken wings and drinks on the weekend isn't all that bad. You NEED a cheat day so your body can work harder to digest. If you eat celery every day and suddenly you eat a burger, you're body's gonna be like "oh what's this! gather around troops, let's destroy this!" and work harder because it's not used to digesting that anymore.
    It's scientific, I swear!

    Don't beat yourself up too much. Would you rather have fun on the weekends and not lose as much weight or be miserable, starving and alone on the weekends?
    Either way, you're amazing. :)

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  30. HUGS!!!! I have been in that exact place. In fact I was for my entire life. WW didn't work for me, for the exact same reasons. Those meetings are awful.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself (though I know how incredibly hard it is not to be!) You are beautiful inside and out <3

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  31. I lost a ton of Weight on WW for my wedding and I didn't go to a single meeting. I don't see why you need to go. And trust me, I have been you have been and I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Except, I recently lost weight with diet pills. If you want to take that route. Metobolic elite pills. They are wonderful. And work. Ask the guy at GNC for their sister pill because I forgot what that is its the twice a day one and that one is MAGIC I am not kidding. IF you do the work. Just a thought.

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  32. Honestly I'm exactly like you. I started WW in college and I swear every one in the meetings always gave me the eye because I wasn't obese (just generally overweight) and why couldn't someone my age just work off the weight? I was frustrating getting judged and feeling like I needed to prove myself to the other people in the meetings. Honestly, it helped in the end and I quit and put the money towards a gym membership. Now back where I was where I started I struggle a lot too. I work out almost every day during the work week. I track everything I eat. I'll indulge in a glass of wine as long as my calorie limit isn't broken. Then the weekend comes and I unintentionally make terrible decisions. It's tough because I enjoy food and wine so much. To eliminate good food and drinks from my diet just isn't going to happen for me.

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