Holding a quarter of a cup of hot coffee, barely stopping to breathe, he rambles "They asked if I wanted it toasted and I didn't know what to do so I just said toasted but I don't know if that was right or not!!! Then I tried to order your coffee but they said I had to make it and I don't know how to make an iced coffee and I just didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do."
You would have thought that I asked him to go in and save my cat who was trapped on the eighth floor of a burning building. The man was panicked. I took the cup of coffee and gently put my hand on his shoulder and pointed at the giant tub labeled iced coffee located adjacent to the ice dispenser.
"There, there. It's ok. Sarah's here now." I said as I took his tiny little head into my arms and soothingly rocked him back and forth. (JK, he doesn't have a tiny head but you know what I'm going for.)
This is a grown ass man who successfully runs a company on a day-to-day basis.
Ok, so then it was time to eat the bagel, right?
HE TAKES THE BAGEL OUT OF THE PACKAGE AND BEGINS EATING IT LIKE YOU'D EAT A SANDWICH.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" I yelled at him completely appalled. "That is NOT how you eat a bagel. Where did you grow up? Is this a Texan thing??? Next you're going to tell me you just bite into your string cheese."
I took the bagel, and twisted one side off and handed that half to him. He bit down and thank the good lord said, "Oh, this is good!"
Well of course it is good it is bread loaded with cream cheese. WTF.
Oh my god y'all. What a morning. It was just too much. I'm not sure that I'll ever look at him the same way ever again. This is why we can't have nice things.