Venus Trapped in Mars

05 May 2016

Bro... U Serious?


I learned something about CB this morning that honestly made me question our entire relationship. My initial reaction was to throw him from the moving car, because I was just so flabbergasted by the whole thing. 

So we were riding to work together this morning, but had to make a pitstop at the vet because the pups have their annual comprehensive exam today. I said I'll take the pups into the vet if you'll run over to Einstein's next door and grab us a couple of bagels. I personally love Einstein's bagels, I think they're delicious. 

He then goes, "I've never had a bagel before, I don't even know what to get there." 

WHAT.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

WHAT.

NO. 



Who has never had a bagel before?? 
The man is 31 years old. THIRTY ONE!! 
Even Veenie looked at him like, "Bro.... U serious?

I normally get the asiago bagel because, cheese for president, but to keep it simple I told him to just order us each a plain bagel with cream cheese. I also asked him to grab me an iced coffee with skim milk. Very simple order. 

I quickly got the pups checked in and when I went back out to the parking lot, I didn't see him at the car so I walked over to Einsteins. I walk in, scan the room and then find him by the coffee looking absolutely panicked. You could literally see the wave of relief washing over his face when he saw me. 

Holding a quarter of a cup of hot coffee, barely stopping to breathe, he rambles "They asked if I wanted it toasted and I didn't know what to do so I just said toasted but I don't know if that was right or not!!! Then I tried to order your coffee but they said I had to make it and I don't know how to make an iced coffee and I just didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do." 

You would have thought that I asked him to go in and save my cat who was trapped on the eighth floor of a burning building. The man was panicked. I took the cup of coffee and gently put my hand on his shoulder and pointed at the giant tub labeled iced coffee located adjacent to the ice dispenser. 

"There, there. It's ok. Sarah's here now." I said as I took his tiny little head into my arms and soothingly rocked him back and forth. (JK, he doesn't have a tiny head but you know what I'm going for.)

This is a grown ass man who successfully runs a company on a day-to-day basis. 
Einstein's-1, CB-0. 

Ok, so then it was time to eat the bagel, right?

HE TAKES THE BAGEL OUT OF THE PACKAGE AND BEGINS EATING IT LIKE YOU'D EAT A SANDWICH.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" I yelled at him completely appalled. "That is NOT how you eat a bagel. Where did you grow up? Is this a Texan thing??? Next you're going to tell me you just bite into your string cheese." 

I took the bagel, and twisted one side off and handed that half to him. He bit down and thank the good lord said, "Oh, this is good!

Well of course it is good it is bread loaded with cream cheese. WTF. 

Oh my god y'all. What a morning. It was just too much. I'm not sure that I'll ever look at him the same way ever again. This is why we can't have nice things. 



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31 comments :

  1. Hahahaha oh lord. I can't believe he's never had a bagel! I would eat a bagel every single day if I thought I wouldn't gain 500 pounds. I'll admit, I've never actually been to Einstein's (I've had them at work events, just never been to the place) so if I didn't immediately see the iced coffee dispenser I might've panicked too. Every time I drive by one I want to go though, because bagels. I'm going to think about them all day now.

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  2. This is hilarious... We had an Einstein's on our college campus and I had a bagel every morning. My metabolism won't allow for that anymore, but absolutely yes to Asiago. How has he never had a bagel??

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  3. It just makes me so sad. That's roughly 30 years that he has missed out on eating bagels. He'll never get that time back!

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  4. I'm dumbfounded. How have you not discovered this before today though? #bagelsforlife

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    1. First date question FAIL. "Hi I'm Sarah, also you've had a bagel before right?"

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  5. I just died laughing over here. Hubs has 1. not seen Lion King or Toy Story and 2. has never had a twizzler.

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  6. That poor poor man. Glad you could show him what he was missing.

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  7. Lol NO! That is not a Texas thing where you eat a bagel like a sandwich! And Asiago bagels FTW! Now I want a bagel...

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    1. It's not?? Ok, so he was just crazy then. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a brief moment when he picked the bagel up like a sandwich.

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  8. I have something to admit. My name is Rubi, and I have never ate a bagel or drank a cup of coffee, iced or not! I had the exact same reaction when a partner at my office asked me to make some coffee, long story short, they didn't drink what I came up with.

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  9. Oh my gosh, hahahahahaha! Somehow this just became the highlight of my freaking week!!!! I totally understand the panicked iced coffee thing, because when I panic I can't tell right from left, but the bagel thing... How is it even possible he has NEVER had a bagel before?!?!?! Thank good for you, he would have missed out on bagels for the rest of his life!

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  10. This is one of my most favorite posts you've ever written.

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  11. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!! Is that a Texas thing? Do they not eat bagels? Only donuts lol?

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  12. I laughed through this entire post hahaha! Thank you for sharing but I'm with you, WHAT THE WHAT CB?!?!

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  13. Bahahahahahaha....

    I dated a guy shortly who was from Venezuela. I said something about a PB&J sandwich and he was like 'I've never had one.' WHAT!?!?! It was like...earth shattering.

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  14. How does he even get himself dressed in the morning?

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  15. OMG! Some days I wish I didn't know what a bagel was because bagels and cream cheese are the reason my ass has dimples!

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  16. A few years ago, I took a group of my yearbook students to a conference. They had free Panera bagels for us, and one of the 18 year old seniors said, "Um, what do I get? I've never had one of things before. I mean... is it just bread?" JUST BREAD?! Nothing is JUST bread, fool.

    I feel like I changed his life that day. I may not change the lives of ALL of my students, but by God, I changed his.

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  17. Say what?! Was it a choice to not try them until asked or did he never even see one ever? I'm dying over this! Lolol

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    1. This is a valid question that I will ask. Now I want to know. I would guess never seen one because if you saw one how could you not eat the bread with cheese sitting in front of you?

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  18. Replies
    1. I swear, this kid killed me. NO BAGELS?!?! WTF.

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  19. HE HASN'T LIVED!!! Oh my goodness, bagels are like the heart of a relationship. This is hysterical!

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  20. hahahaha oh my god, Sarah, this is gold! Poor guy....
    I did have a friend who hadn't tried a burger until she was 25! For no particular reason....
    People need to live a little!

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  21. My husband had never had a bagel before we started dating either and I was blown away. How can they have been missing out on something so good for so long?!

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  22. Hahaha that's crazy! How has he never had a bagel? Like not even once?! My mind is seriously blown!

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  23. This is absolutely hilarious!! Thanks for this great post on a grey and cloudy Monday morning :) xx

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  24. What a hilarious story, you have opened his eyes to a whole new world! Xo, Stephanie

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  25. I'm honestly so confused. and hell no, not a texas thing!! that is weird. cb, we'll have to have a chat next time i see you!

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  26. Bahaha. Oh boy. Who hasn't had a bagel at 31? That's crazy, CB!!

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