Venus Trapped in Mars

30 January 2013

7 Things You Need To Know Before you {Super} Bowl



1. Who is playing:
A few notes on this. 
Yay #1 = Both have gold in their logo. Hoorah!
"But I hate gold" said no one ever.

Notice how I listed these teams. Baltimore is listed first, San Fran second. This means San Fran is designated as the "home" team because they have a better record, even though the game is being played on a neutral field (NOLA!)
Seing as the home team is really only a big deal in Baseball because it means you get to bat last, no real advantage is allotted to the home team.
 A coin is still flipped in football to decide who gets the ball first, regardless of being designated as home or away. 

2. Ray Lewis: 
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This is his last game, EVER. Unless his middle name is BrettFarveMichaelJordan.
In which case it is not his last game ever. 
But alas, didn't see that name listed on his birth certificate.
He is arguably the best Linebacker, like ever: See 3 stooges on steroids post

Finally. The man likes to dance. 
Watch for his squirrel dance before the show. 
Not really sure what is going on here, to be honest. Is this how you Dougie at 6'1 240 pounds?



3. How overtime works:

Both of these teams have been in a bazillion overtime games this season, including achieving playoff overtime wins. San Fran even ended one game this season in a tie. (lame)
With that said, it is important to know how overtime works. During the season, overtime rules are different from playoff rules.


There are a few exceptions (i.e. safety, muffed kicks blah blah blah. Chances of that happening are not enough to waste your time learning it.)

4. The Harbaugh Bowl
Cool story, Bro. Tell it again.

Two bros walk into a super dome. Mom and Dad are so proud. 
This is the only time I will allow a "house divided" front license plate. 
I mean, seriously. How do Mom and Dad dress for such an occasion??

5. Who are your Quarterbacks?

I could give you the sportscaster answer and tell you why each are just the most remarkable player to ever live blah blah blah
But instead I'll tell you...

Why I don't care about either:

Joe Flacco is so annoying. Why does he look super hot in some pictures then in others looks like a skinny dirty truck driver, followed by looking like the Situation from Jersey Shore (not sure if it is still relevant to make Jersey Shore jokes but whatevs)

Hot:
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NOT:
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Hot:
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NOT:
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Get it together, bro. As far as Colin, I have already expressed how I feel about the field wrecker. 

6. How to bet on the Superbowl
Set up a paypal account
Select Add Payee
Payee Name: Venus Trapped in Mars
Any denomination: I'll place the bet for you in Vegas.
Promise. 
Pinky swear.

Just kidding. Unless you want to, in which case I'm game.

It is likely you will be watching the game with friends. Set up a Superbowl Squares Game. 


7. Learn the game, quick! {Venus Style of course!}

Read my football 101 posts. This will help you from being totally confused during the entire game and asking questions like why are the umpires holding two arms in the air? Did he get a home run?


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4 comments :

  1. haha omg this is seriosuly awesome (found it through the browse) from someone who really knows nothing about football or the teams this is very helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love this!! Thank god for the browse :)

    I'm leaving tonight with my dad for the super bowl! Because the only thing better than god in my house in Ray Lewis...

    Also Joe Flacco is neither here nor there, it would be worse... we could have Big Ben.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rhonda and Helene- Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so glad to have you guys on here with me!

    Dabbling in Dixie- I'M TOTALLY JEL OF YOU RIGHT NOW!!! Not sure what I'm more jealous of, you going to the superbowl or going to Nola! Love that city!

    Thanks for reading y'all!!!

    ReplyDelete

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