Venus Trapped in Mars

28 March 2013

Don't be scared of the big bad spray tan!

So I am jumping really far away from my normal blogging topics today to discuss spray tanning. 



I am the biggest sunless tanning advocate.
People often say, "Oh my gosh, you have the most beautiful tan, what do you do to get so dark?"
Actually, no one asks that. But moving on. 

If you want to be bronze, thinner, glo-geous, thinner, prettier, thinner...
Go sunless.

I hear so many people say...
"Am I going to be like Ross from friends?"
No.
"Am I going to look like the New Jersey tan lady?"
No.
"Am I going to be orange?"
No. 

Do you really think tanning salons could continue to charge $35-$55 for a spray tan system that did any of those things? No way! You get what you pay for and as long as you do Mystic or Versa you will be golden. Literally. 

So since I spray tan 1-2 times per week, I will appoint myself an "expert!" 

{before pic}



Don't shower, don't work out, don't sing in the rain, don't pass go, don't go directly to jail.
Just watch real housewives marathons and do nothing.
Although you will be wearing a barrier cream while you spray, it doesn't block everything. Wash your hands right as you leave the room (put your clothes back on first obvi) and that will prevent having dirty looking hands. Some people prefer to wait about 2 hours, either way, get em washed! 

For the mystic tan there are so many choices...
Light, Medium Dark
Bronzer or no bronzer
Enhancers
Scents...

Try something different each time. It is best to start out with the light cartridge to see how dark your skin will develop the color. Don't be scared of the dark cartridge... it is actually my personal favorite.
The solution develops differently on everyone's skin. 
Fun fact:
The more protein you have in your body, the darker the color will develop. 
So eat that meat kids! 

Nearly every salon out there has a website with a coupon for their Sunless Tan.
Use them! If you have never done a spray tan before, I can almost guarantee you will get a discount on your first couple of sessions! 


AND here is my after picture when I follow all these steps correctly...


Venus Trapped

27 March 2013

Why won't anyone give me free stuff?

How often do you see this?
Care of (C/O) Tory Burch, Hobo, Kate Spade... etc and so on

Here is my dear friend Rachel who blogs at Pink Peonies


Just kidding we have never met each other ever. Nor have I ever interacted or even left a comment. 
I just awkwardly drool over her outfits. And Loubis. And the number of C/O items she has.

Why won't anyone ever give ME free stuff. 
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it people like me. 



Why I Deserve Free Stuff:
Girls already want clothes. That is a given. I am getting trying to get girls into watching and maybe even enjoying SPORTS. This is new. If I can increase the number of girls that like going to sporting events, sporting attendance increases. 
You don't have to be able to solve Pi to figure that out.
I'm changing the world here, Obama. 



What to Send:
I am not a fashion blogger. I am not asking for clothes from you Tory. Although I won't rule that out, let's not be rash here. 
Side Note: To whom it make concern at the Victoria's Secret Pink Line:
I'l take all of this // this // this // this
You can leave out the fringe tanks, don't nobody have time for that.

Ok what was I saying?
Oh right, I'm not a fashion blogger. I'm not asking for clothes. (See exceptions above) 
I want TICKETS!!!


Sending me tickets gets you:
1. Unlimited Selfies from the front camera of my iphone
2. Two images of the jumbo tron uploaded to Instagram with hashtag of your choice
3. Six pictures of my beer (one for each beer) - Instagram upload included
4. 8 pics of me throwin a peace sign with your team's court/field in the background - insta upload extra 
5. You may buy me a hot dog
6. One Seventh Inning Stretch (where applicable) jumbotron performance
7. One Kiss cam performance. (Please provide other participant)
8. One game participant. (Preferably the layup for a million dollars game- I get several attempts)
9. Four pictures with your mascot
10. No male cheerleaders please

We good?? Message me for P.O box.

If you need me to travel to your game, that can be arranged. 
You will need to provide: airline tickets (I get the miles though), per diem ($800/day), wardrobe, any overnight accommodations (the W preferred), athlete chauffer to game encouraged.


Venus Trapped

26 March 2013

Why Do Guys Watch Sports Center on Repeat?

Duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh
(That was my Sportscenter sound attempt)

This is a lovely question you ask... 
Seeing as I'm not a dude, maybe you should go ask someone with a bit more testosterone.
Jerks.

JK LOL. Totally playing wit u peeps. I have the answers (as usual)

Ok I can understand that. 
I would rather listen to house music with the base turned up over any other station while getting ready. 
House music or Saved By The Bell Reruns. Either will be suitable.
Again, understandable.
As a Vol fan, I always hope the result changes. 
Well there was that one time we won back in 1998. 
Livin the dream man, livin the dream.

Oh, and I wish that Big hadn't left Carrie at the altar.
 I know it all worked out but I still wish for change.



Last night I watched RHOBH while on my ipad the entire time. 
I heard yapping from Yolanda, but I wasn't actually focused and watching.
I will now need to watch that episode again. 
I get it. 


This one is lost on me. 
I receive all of my news, whether it is sports, or world, or gossip related via Facebook and Twitter.
Like a normal human being.



Compare this to when you hear a new song. 
Let's take JT's new jam, Suit And Tie.
What do you do when you get to 5 seconds left in the song?
You rewind and start over.

You want to hear that hook again...

...And as long as I got my suit and tie Ima leave it all on the floor tonight
And you got fixed up to the nines let me show you a few things...

End of the song hits again. Rewind, start over.

Dang Jay Z can rap. 
I can rap that part too, I just gotta hear it 345234 more times so I can memorize it.

...All black at the white shows, white shoes at the black shows
Green card for the cuban links, y'all sit back and enjoy the light show...

Dang this song is good. I wonder how I look shakin my fanny in the mirror to this?
Stop. Pause. Find mirror. Rewind. Play again.

... show you a few things, show you a few things...

Again, again, again. 
Turn it up louder this time!

Venus Trapped

25 March 2013

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I am going to take this opportunity to share the good, the bad and the ugly from not just Bracket Land (a mystical place somewhere outside of Idaho) but also my weekend in NYC.
1. Ohio State- buzzer beater to win over Iowa Sate. This kid {Aaron Samuels Craft} hits a three pointer with a defender all up in his face. Aaron then proceeded to stand there for 37 minutes with his follow through hand in the air... guess he never saw love and basketball...

Side note: Shoulda used this guy during the look-alike post. 
Aaron looks more like Shia Labeouf than Shia Labeouf looks like Shia Labeouf


2. FGCU- Florida Gulf Coast University became the first number 15 seed to advance to the Sweet 16
Not to mention, the coach has a Howdey for a wife. As in How-dey-do-dat...

No I'm not kidding, that is his wife.

3. Kansas- Kansas be rollin rollin rollin. 70 to 58 win over what I consider to be a pretty decent UNC team. Watch out for the ole Jay Hawks this year!

Gonzaga, Georgetown, New Mexico... there are a lot of people very upset with you right now

America's Funniest Home Videos Called...




So I went with two of my best gal pals to the big city this weekend. 
There was for sure good, bad and ugly. 

These ballin new headphones that I bought...

Plus dirty gin martinis, this giraffe scarf (I have a giraffe obsession) and blowouts at the dry bar!


Went to see my girl, Carrie.
Not only was she gone, but SOMEONE ELSE LIVED THERE
And they didn't want me to take my picture on their steps.
I pictured a movie stage studio, followed by a Sarah Jessica Parker guided tour and then we'd skip together down the street and gossip about what a jerk Mr. Big can be sometimes.


We also had dinner at an Italian place called Patsy's. Hey DELISH!
My friend Magen {who blogs here} told the owner how much her momma looooved his restaurant.
He says, "Hold on... I get you something for your momma"


Dude comes back with a mouse pad. Is that not the strangest thing you have ever heard? 

The Naked Cowboy.
He wasn't ugly, per say. 
The situation sure was.
I thought we were just going to do a cute pose with the guitar or something PG rated....
I was wrong.



So, how those Brackets doing?

Venus Trapped