Venus Trapped in Mars

28 February 2013

Brandi Glanville Guest Post: Scoring in Basketball

Hello, Venus Lovers. I am taking the day off to bring you a special guest post from the one and only...

Brandi Glanville! 
Disclaimer: in no way is this a special guest post from Brandy Glanville, I wouldn't let that crazy bia bia on my blog.

Hi- I'm Brandi Glanville, star of the RHOBH and recently everyone "Saw My Boobs" at the Oscars. 
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You are probably asking, "Why was I at the Oscars?"
I was personally asking,"How'd she get so shiny?"
But that is neither here nor there BECAUSE I am your guest on VTIM today to talk about basketball, not the Oscars. 

I will explain ways to score in basketball based on the many fights I pick with people in my social circle. 
disclaimer: none of these people are in her social circle. Brandi has a vivid imagination

1. The Layup / Slam Dunk

Compare this to my argument with that girl from Sur, Scheana. You know, the one that blinks non stop  and slept with my ex husband Eddie. Well, everyone and their sister slept with Eddie but I digress.

This argument was an easy 2 point basket for me! Girlfriend was kissing my boney behind the whole time, I hardly even needed to put forth any effort. 



 2. Foul Shot = 1 point

Let's compare the foul shot to my 0 on 1 interviews with the camera on RHOBH. None of my attackers can argue back. 
Everyone that hates me can line up and watch, but no one can touch. 


I am left alone with my words, the F bomb and a Bravo television crew. 



3. Three Point Shot


Let's compare the 3 point shot to my blowout with Adrienne and Paul at Maurico's business party. It was 2 on one and they were all up on me. It was a long shot, but I still made this one because they left the party in a huff and I got to stay and drink 17 bottles of wine to calm my nerves. 

3 points for me! 


So I hope I helped you kids understand the ease/difficulty of scoring points in basketball! 

I gotta go back to my dusty brown shack on the outskirts of Beverly Hills where I try and pretend like I'm one of societies' elite every day. 

Shut the F up, already.  


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27 February 2013

Boys Just Want to Have Fights

First of all, news to me: There are white guys in the NBA.
Second of all, news to me: There are white guys in the NBA that get to play during the game.
Third of all, news to me: There are white guys in the NBA worth picking a fight with. 

Come on now, don't pick a fight with the white kid in the NBA. He is either:

1. Only there to shoot 3 point shots
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2. Only there to be tall and awkward
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3. Or in this particular case, they are just there to give supportive hugs.
I love this. I need a hug, stat, from Captain Huggey Smiley pictured below...
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So, Venus, what you are trying to tell me is that NBA white guys are good shooters, a bit awkward, but  totally love giving big smiles and BFF hugs?

Correct, so why did this happen??

Yes, that is Captain Smiley Huggey boy 
(aka David Lee from the Golden State Warriors, although I like my name for him better) 
getting pushed like a New Jersey Housewife.

 This then lead to an all out brawl between both teams that managed to wash into the stands. 
Roy Hibbert is doing the original pushing...
 If you want to send him a mean tweet in Captain Huggey Smiley's honor here is his screen name... 
@Hoya2aPacer 

@iamsarahwebb: Dear Mr. @Hoya2aPacer please stop bullying on Captain Huggey Smiley. He doesn't have anymore Milk money to provide you. Tootles, Venus

On a side note: I just spent about 37 minutes trying to figure out how to make that GIF.
So I am done for the day with being productive.

Until tomorrow... 
Can't we all just get a longneck?

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25 February 2013

Weekend Roudup: What You Should Know!

Lots-o-sports-stuff happens on the weekends. If you were in a Nyquil induced coma this weekend (like I was) here is what you may have missed! 

She didn't win, finished in 8th. All that hullabaloo for nothing. 
She did set a record: first woman to lead a lap in a race in Nascar’s top series. 

Thank god it was just one lap... I'd hate to list that 500 times for you. 


First woman to lead a lap
First woman to lead two laps
First woman to lead three laps
Firs..... I'm tired.

Jimmie Johnson won. Hi, you're hot. 
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To whom it may concern at JCrew: Here is your new catalog family.
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Venus.
What in the hyena is this you ask?

NFL combine is a week long camp for college football players (aspiring NFL rookies) to perform physical and mental tests in front of NFL coaches/scouts. Goal is to get NFL offers, obvi.

Physical: You guys are smart. Not sure I need to explain. 
Run fast, lift a lot, be good at athletic football stuff.

Mental: This is where it get's entertaining... 

1. Interviews: Can the potential rookie talk good and junk?
"I is a foutball players, and I want to give ups to God and my moms and my boyz who said I culd do dis"

2. Drug Screen: Uh oh! 
On a scale of 1 to Lindsay Lohan.... how many drugs are in their system?

3. The Wonderlic Test:
50 multiple choice questions that have to be answered in 12 minutes. 
Score of 20 = average intelligence
Score of 10 = person is at least literate


Scored a 48-50: You Probably Went to Harvard
Best Wonderlic score of all time:
Pat McInally, Punter (punter shouldn't count but whatevs)
Harvard grad (of course)
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Scored a 4-5: Stay in Skool! The worst ever to play in the NFL was Morris Claibrone who scored a 4 in 2012. 

Here are the reasons I'm not going to pick on him (in no particular order)
1. He has a learning disability (obvisouly)
2. Plays for my Dallas Cowboys

So instead all pick on someone his own size.
Frank Gore
Running Back for the San Fran 49ers
Scored a 6
Shabooopie! 
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Frank is probably far more street smart than book smart, I'm sure.
They are really hard questions though... 


Let me take a moment to thank God (and of course my parents) for my college education 
Said education allowed me to drink lots of beer and in turn, play endless hours of photo hunt at Hannah's Bar and Grill. 
Wonerlic perfect score here I come.

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So yeah, the NFL combine camp is underway, hot and heavy.
 I miss camp. 
I wonder if waterskiing is included in the cost of camp activities?
Monte Te'o told me it was and he never lies. 
He even made me reservations for lessons tomorrow with his girlfriend! 
What a sweet guy.
#pumped

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20 February 2013

Wow Your Man Wednesday: Danica Patrick

I'm on a plane. 
Got my nautical themed pashmina afghan and my flippy floppys. 

JK LOL LYLAS. 

But really, this blog post is costing me $10. Paid for 60 minutes of wifi got 30 free. Score. 
Not. 

So you're welcome I paid the $10, better type fast...

Let's WOW your man, shall we?

This may be my first and possibly last post regarding NASCAR. 
I'm not sure why I have never really gotten into Nascar, it has all of my favorite things in life... binge day drinking, red neck watching, Ricky Bobby, an excuse not to shower that day... 

I don't know what to do with my hands.
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Danica "Go Daddy" Patrick
Became the first woman to win the pole position for the Daytona 500 this week.

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I have the hardest time in the WORLD seeing how this is even remotely possible. 
I'm assuming Nascar has never been to the Cheetah lounge during spring break down there in Daytona. 
Women win the pole position every 15 minutes.

She didn't really win anything yet. 
The race isn't even until this weekend. 
She just get's to go first.

To clarify...




But alas, here is my question. Why shouldn't she get to go first anyway??
I can't think of a time women didn't get to go first...

Ordering dinner
Walking through doorways
Exiting the Titanic

Maybe the drivers all just got together and said, "Let's just let Danica go first this time.  Like all women, she'll probably be late anyways. Women drivers, SMH."

Good luck on the pole in Daytona this weekend, Danica. One girl on the pole and 43 men staring at her behind in Daytona. Yup, sounds about right. 
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18 February 2013

Venus Trapped in Miami

No time.
No time. 
No time.

I have no time to post until Wednesday. If I am lucky I can crank one out tomorrow for you kids. IF being the key word.

While I'm slaving away at the boat show. Enjoy these images of the wonderful city of Miami and my adventures thus far. 8 days down, 3 more to go!

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. 
Vols win. By win I mean kill Kentucky. HooRay!

Tried some Japanese candies... was nervous but they were delish! 
Found H&M in the 5 seconds I left the conference center (H&M locating skills...it's a gift really). 
Drank some wine. 
Snapped a pic of the Miami Marlin's stadium from the car, cool huh?

Took some pics of some motors. 

Really missin this little guy....

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14 February 2013

Happy Valentine's Day from Venus and General!

Happy Valentine's Day from Venus and General Neyland! 


I'll be spending this lovey dovey evening alone in a Miami hotel room with 10 channel options (none of which are Bravo) counting the results from the beer bracket challenge! 

Happy lover's day! 




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13 February 2013

Wow Your Man Wednesday: MJ Turns 50

Michael Jordan (In dictionary under: greatest human to ever play basketball)

I say human because we ALL remember space jam and no one can compete with the Monstars... not even Michael Jordan and that time he competed with the Monstars can compete with the Monstars.
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They were cheating with their stolen talent anyway.
Charles Barkley is still waiting for his back, by the way.

Ole' Old MJ turns 50 this week and here is a look back at his career highlights so you can wow your man with a little MJ info. 

1981-1984
Attended a small school in North Carolina you may have heard of... The University of North Carolina.
I'm sure MJ took into consideration how nicely the powder blue would work on his skin tone. 

Here he is dunking, and here he is dunking, and here he is dunking

While in college he won the Naismith and the Wooden College Player of the Year awards. 
AKA he was MVP.

1984
Won a gold medal in the summer olympics

1985
Won the Rookie of the Year award playing with da Bulls.

Here he is dunking, and here he is dunking, and here is Peyton and Eli after dunking.

Here are the records he holds (and probably will always hold):


2000
Won the ESPY for athlete of the century award. 
That is impressive considering he had only been alive for about 35% of the century. 

2001-2003
Came out of retirement to play with the Washington Wizards. Nothing you really missed with that.

Moving on...

MJ now likes to play golf, get divorces and wear Hanes.
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So happy birthday MJ, Love Venus!



On a not so unrelated to MJ note.. don't forget to get your Beer Bracket Challenge Score Cards in today! You can comment on the post or email your cards to Venus. You don't have to try every single beer... but you know I would ;)

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12 February 2013

Valentine's Day Gift Guide: For Him!

Here are my top ten things you can give to your man on Vday and he will be so happy...
Guys aren't hard to figure out, I promise. 


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