Venus Trapped in Mars

31 January 2013

Thirsty Thursday: Why don't all sports let you booze while playing?

Bowling, golf, darts, billiards, categories in the shallow end of the community pool.... these are a few of my favorite sports to partake in! 

Why you ask?

Duh, because you can drink while playing! In fact, not only can you drink, it makes you way better. That first game of bowling I look like this guy...

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Oh god no, I'm totally kidding. I could never be that bad.

The O man bowled a 37 with Seven (no that isn't a typo just to clarify since I tend to use a lot of typos in my writing, seems to give it a little something extra, don't you think?) SEVEN GUTTER BALLS.

 I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. You really have to try to throw seven gutter balls. 

I mean, sometimes I'll be bowling, it will go in the gutter then pop back out right at the end and knock down three pins. But that is just me, I'm quite the gifted athlete. You're welcome. 

But Obama managed to keep all seven in the gutter! Ran all those perfectly good shots right in the gutter. 
(disclaimer: I don't fancy myself a democrat or a republican and that is not a pun for where our country's economy is. Although I really like puns. Ok twist my arm, fine PUN INTENDED).

And where the heck is he bowling? Are those wood-paneled walls back there? Is this an ex WWF wrestler's basement man cave?

I mean, I live in Dallas, Tx and this is what our bowling alley's look like. 


I'm not bragging. Just would have thought the president of the United States of Awesome could have gotten a better alley to bowl his 7 gutter balls. 

So back to my point. Alcohol.

Had Obama had an ice cold pitcher of miller light (or 7) perhaps he would have played more like these epic bowling legends: 
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Ok so I have never actually seen the big Lebowski all the way through. It was a dude movie, there were no glittery Louboutins or Real Housewives throwing tables at each other, so my tiny female brain lost interest. But I know they drank a crap ton and they were fantastic bowlers. 

See, like I said, thank you alcohol, works every time.

So happy Thirsty Thursday Venus Lovers. Grab a beer, cocktail, vino, jaeger bomb... whatevs and let's go play something! 




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30 January 2013

7 Things You Need To Know Before you {Super} Bowl



1. Who is playing:
A few notes on this. 
Yay #1 = Both have gold in their logo. Hoorah!
"But I hate gold" said no one ever.

Notice how I listed these teams. Baltimore is listed first, San Fran second. This means San Fran is designated as the "home" team because they have a better record, even though the game is being played on a neutral field (NOLA!)
Seing as the home team is really only a big deal in Baseball because it means you get to bat last, no real advantage is allotted to the home team.
 A coin is still flipped in football to decide who gets the ball first, regardless of being designated as home or away. 

2. Ray Lewis: 
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This is his last game, EVER. Unless his middle name is BrettFarveMichaelJordan.
In which case it is not his last game ever. 
But alas, didn't see that name listed on his birth certificate.
He is arguably the best Linebacker, like ever: See 3 stooges on steroids post

Finally. The man likes to dance. 
Watch for his squirrel dance before the show. 
Not really sure what is going on here, to be honest. Is this how you Dougie at 6'1 240 pounds?



3. How overtime works:

Both of these teams have been in a bazillion overtime games this season, including achieving playoff overtime wins. San Fran even ended one game this season in a tie. (lame)
With that said, it is important to know how overtime works. During the season, overtime rules are different from playoff rules.


There are a few exceptions (i.e. safety, muffed kicks blah blah blah. Chances of that happening are not enough to waste your time learning it.)

4. The Harbaugh Bowl
Cool story, Bro. Tell it again.

Two bros walk into a super dome. Mom and Dad are so proud. 
This is the only time I will allow a "house divided" front license plate. 
I mean, seriously. How do Mom and Dad dress for such an occasion??

5. Who are your Quarterbacks?

I could give you the sportscaster answer and tell you why each are just the most remarkable player to ever live blah blah blah
But instead I'll tell you...

Why I don't care about either:

Joe Flacco is so annoying. Why does he look super hot in some pictures then in others looks like a skinny dirty truck driver, followed by looking like the Situation from Jersey Shore (not sure if it is still relevant to make Jersey Shore jokes but whatevs)

Hot:
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NOT:
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Hot:
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NOT:
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Get it together, bro. As far as Colin, I have already expressed how I feel about the field wrecker. 

6. How to bet on the Superbowl
Set up a paypal account
Select Add Payee
Payee Name: Venus Trapped in Mars
Any denomination: I'll place the bet for you in Vegas.
Promise. 
Pinky swear.

Just kidding. Unless you want to, in which case I'm game.

It is likely you will be watching the game with friends. Set up a Superbowl Squares Game. 


7. Learn the game, quick! {Venus Style of course!}

Read my football 101 posts. This will help you from being totally confused during the entire game and asking questions like why are the umpires holding two arms in the air? Did he get a home run?


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