Venus Trapped in Mars

28 September 2010

Biggest "Players" In Sports: Top 5

Let's pick up where we left off in part one

5. Barry Zito


Left handed pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. 32 years old. Created the charity Strikeouts For Troops which provides money to hospitals for wounded soldiers (awwww!)

To be honest though, this kid is a bit weird.

He collects stuffed animals. He always carries pink satin pillows on the road with him. He is also very into yoga. He meditates before every game and sometimes does yoga poses in the outfield. He has also been quoted as saying he picked the number 75 because it acted like a shelf to carry the name "Zito" on his uniform...

Like I said, weird!

And here are the women that are just so turned on by snuggling up with Barry on a lovely pink satin pillow...

Hilary Duff- She has been quoted saying her favorite dish is Baked Zito...

Paris Hilton- Appearance #2 on our countdown. I do believe she has the same amount of mug shots as boyfriends. Correlation? You be the judge.

Alyssa Milano- she knows a little something about Barry's downward facing dog... baaazing!

4. Mark Philippoussis


is a professional Australian tennis player. His father is Greek. As for my personal opinion his father must have been flippin Zeus because only a God like that could create this beautiful specimen of a man!

Too many ladies would agree...
Shannon Elizabeth- FUN FACT! She actually considered a tennis career before she decided to be a model/actress. But in all honesty, I feel like every tennis player could be a model/actress. I knew I should have shown more interest in that sport when I was a kid!Paris Hilton: Mug Shot #3 to go with Boyfriend #3!Tara Reid- Please God someone get this child a burger...


3. Tom Brady

Brady is the quarterback for the New England Patriots. He has 3, yes count em, 3, Super Bowl victories. He was named MVP in two of those three. Brady is just so darn good that he was even drafted by the Montreal Expos to play catcher!

So you are telling me if Mr. Venus uses Stetson cologne, he will look like Tom Brady? Well, I know what Mr. Venus is getting for Christmas!!!!

Father of the year award winner: When his previous girlfriend (mentioned in a minute) got preggers, Brady was by her side from the minute he found out until the minute that kid popped out. He even skipped several NFL starts to be by her side.

No I'm totally kidding, when he found out she was knocked up Brady packed up. There are still skid marks in their old driveway to this day.

And here are the lovely ladies who lived with skid-marks guy

Tara Reid- hah! This picture is hilarious. Tom reportedly broke it off because he couldn't afford to feed Tara's massive eating habits any longer. Bridget Moynahan- First Mr. Big then Tom. When is this girl ever gonna catch a break
Gisele Bundchen- Girls like her should be illegal, she ruins it for everyone else. What guy could resist that?

2. Derek Jeter

Shortstop for the New York Yankees. He lives in Manhattan's Trump World Tower (commence the mad rush to New York to catch a glimpse of the hot ball player).

He maintains a bro-mance with catcher Jorge Posada. Jeter was his best man at Posada's wedding. Cute boys, cute.

Is it just me or does he look like the Situation?

There are just wayyyy too many girls to name, so here is a modest sampling.

Mariah Carey

Laura DuttaAdriana Lima- she gets lumped into the same category of "unfair" as Gisele.
Jessica Alba- said she broke it off with Jeter because he couldn't give her the CASH she WARRENted... HAHAHA ur welcome!

And now... drumroll please.....

Your number one PLAYER in sports is...

Duh Tiger Woods! Ehhh what's up doc?

Tiger never met a bunny ranch he didn't like...

Which he why he has won the coveted NUMBER ONE spot on our countdown!

Happy Playing the Player Venus Lovers!



Images courtesy of from top to bottom:
thewifehatessports.com
dailygab.com
shoppingblog.com
cubssuckclub.com
wetment.provocateuse.com
shannonelizabeth954.vox.com
weddingcompare.com
mimifroufrou.com
vegas-spreads.com
babble.com
sociallitelife.celebuzz.com
dailycomedy.com
bestcelebsphoto.webs.com
famouscorazon.com
makli.com























24 September 2010

How To.... Throw a baseball

So I have decided that this nonsense of, "You throw like a girl," needs to end.

Reasons why you shouldn't throw like a girl.
  1. It is not heavy. I mean I get it, somethings are very heavy and generally as girls we don't have AS much upper body strength as boys. But unless you are competing in the shot put, there is no excuse to throw incorrectly.
  2. We can be CEOs, CFOs, CMOs--- any CblankO you can think of. Why must we be mocked for our ball throwing abilities
  3. If you can lug around a child all day, you can throw a ball properly.
  4. Girls rule boys drool. (haha thank you airbrushed t-shirt from kindergarten)
  5. If we are going to have a woman president one day, then we can't possibly have anyone making fun of her when she gets to throw out the first pitch at the World Series because she throws like a girl...
Oh wait...



When you throw the ball, it shouldn't plummet downward. This is going to be very simple. I'm not going to tell you the finger positions for a curveball or anything. Just how to throw properly.

Step One: Grab the ball with your whole hand. Just like you would pick up an apple to eat.

Step Two: Turn sideways. Put your feet shoulder width apart. Your feet should be parallel to one another. No need for pointing your toes or anything! This isn't ballet.

Step Three: Lean to your right side (unless you're left handed and just reverse everything I'm saying) putting most of your weight on your back foot.

Step Four: Bring your hand with the ball down by your thigh and then up in the air in a gradual circular motion. If you are right handed, your hand should now be about a foot diagonally back from your right ear. To put it in girl terms... if you are doing it properly, your left boob should be sticking out and your right boob should be back and to the right.

Step Five: While the ball is brought back by your ear, your wrist should be cocked backwards. When it comes time to release you should flick your wrist forward. No stiff wrists!

***Tip for the overachiever: practice flicking your wrist. If you are right handed, with your left hand grab your right arm just below the wrist. Take a ball and just practice flicking it forward to make sure you get the wrist flick down.

****Tip for the girl with the annoying boyfriend. Repeat steps for the overachiever, just practice throwing at the boyfriend when he is not paying attention. It will be hilarious.

Step Six: THROW IN A CIRCULAR MOTION!!!!!! Do this without a ball. Just practice the stance I described and move your arm around in a circular motion. Down, up, and around. Just practice circles. It is a fluid motion, just like when you warm up before spin class and you loosen up your arms. If you were to have a ribbon dancer (I know y'all remember these) in your hand I should see a perfect circle created.

Step Seven: Right before you release the ball you should lift your front foot up in the air moving all your momentum to your back leg.

Step Eight: Release the ball and flick your wrist when your hand gets about a foot diagonally in front of your face.

Step Nine: Follow through with the circular motion back to where you started. The follow through is really important, if you don't and just halt your momentum the ball will not go more than two feet.


See Whit's got it! So can you. I don't want to see any Venus lovers throwing like a girl, again!

Happy Pitching Venus Lovers!

Images courtesy of from top to bottom:
www.freerepublic.com
www.mtv.com

18 September 2010

NCAA Game Day: Attack of the mascots

Today in the true spirit of all things boring in college football, all the big matchups today seemingly look like duds! Teams that were slated to be monstrous beasts this season (Virginia Tech) look more like sickly puppies (insert Michael Vick joke here).

Number one Alabama, plays number 1892342384243 Duke. Wow, I know I'll be on the edge of my seat for that one.

Thanks to the dismal performances last week from Georgia and Virginia Tech, there are no RANKED matchups this week. Wait, I take that back, there is one game to be played this week where both teams are ranked. Iowa vs. Arizona. Boy oh boy!

Thanks to the boringness (this is a word I just created) of my game day couch and television, also because I am a bit bitter that I will not be doing tailgating in any form, I am proud to present the first annual Mascot Bowl!

I am going to attempt to pick the winners of each game today based on the mascots. This is the only way I am going to have any fun today, because these games will be so boring.

Matchup #1:

Boise State vs. Wyoming

Boise State- The Broncos
Wyoming- Cowboy

Right now I am picturing two things.

First thing is a super hot sun kissed skin cowboy with wrangler jeans on (not Bret Favre) holding a rake standing in a large farm. Thanks to Jackie Collins, I'm picturing him shirtless. He takes a break to drink some water as the sweat drips down a bulging bicep. He then sees that I am starring at him and in true cowboy style, he tips his hat, "Well howdy miss! Can I interest you in some of Mama's famous sweet tea?"

The second thing I am picturing is myself back in the early 90s on a plush couch. Curled up with a bucket of popcorn with my mom and dad watching the latest action movie. This movie stars O.J. Simpson and a police brigade. O.J. is on the run from the law in a white BRONCO.

Oh, that wasn't a movie for my entertainment viewing pleasure? Oh my bad.

Well based on the images in my mind I award this game to the Boise St. Broncos. Since Mr. Venus reads my blog (occasionally) I've snagged me a great Mr. Venus already and he is very southern and charming and he makes excellent sweet tea as it is already.

On the other hand, high speed chases from the law, always a good time!

Matchup #2

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Florida Gators

Tennessee mascot= Blue tick coon hound named Smokey
Florida mascot= an alligator

What I am picturing:

My sweet little baby boy pup (beagle) who is sitting next to me right now curled up into a little ball wagging his tail while dreaming of running through a field chasing after a big yummy bone. He pauses because a noise startles him. He sniffs around for a bit then disregards the noise to continue chasing after a bone. Then out of nowhere comes an alligator who EATS him! In one bite, just eats my little sweet baby puppy who was just dreaming of Alpo and bacon.

After this horrific scene that played in my mind. I vote for an upset of the Tennessee Volunteers and Smokey over the gators. Tennessee comes out the victor.

Matchup #3:

Baylor vs. TCU

Baylor mascot- bears
TCU mascot- horned frogs

What I'm picturing:

Well, right now I'm simply trying to picture what a horned frog would even look like. Imagine the budweiser frogs sitting on their lilly pads, only they have giant horns coming from their head.

Did ya'll see that super bowl commerical for Tide spot pen where the guy was supposed to be having a serious interview but he had a stain on his shirt and the stain talked over him the entire interview?

Well I would imagine the budweiser frogs with horns would be something like that.

Bud (HORRRRRRRRNSSSS)

Weis (MORE HORNSSSSSSS)

Errrr ( AHHH WHY DO THESE FROGS HAVE HORNS?!?)

I'm also thinkging about the Baylor Bears. Did they just go through a list of "B" names that sounded good with Baylor? I didn't know Texas was known for their killer bear population, but I have been a little bit slack on my animal planet viewing lately.


I award this win the the budwe---- I mean the TCU horned frogs! Maybe budweiser will take me up on that commercial idea?

We will see who I picked correctly based on the mascots!

Happy Mascot-ing Venus lovers!

14 September 2010

Basketball 101: Offensive Positions according the the Real Housewives


I just realized I have been writing now for almost two months and I have not done a single post on basketball. I LOVE NCAA basketball, not as much of a fan on the NBA but when I started this blog I promised myself I would stay neutral on all aspects of sports, including my favorite teams.
Now for my vow to my fans: I, Venus, promise my Venus lovers that I will not take sides on any particular sports or sports teams/universities. I also promise my fans that if there is a sport (cough hockey cough soccer cough) that I don't really know much about I will do my best to research and report back to my girls in ways we can understand!

Ok, let's talk basketball! I was debating going over the history of basketball, but then I fell asleep thinking about that and I decided not to make y'all suffer through it. In the future if you are on jeopardy and you manage to get the daily double and the question is regarding the original formation of basketball, if you make it a true daily double, blame it on me and I'll pay ya back!

Lately, I have been on a Real Housewives kick. Well, to be completely honest, it's not lately it is forever and always. What do you guys think about Real Housewives D.C.? I LOVE it. I think that Mary is just the coolest person/mom/friend. Cat is insane but she is so carefree and doesn't care what people think about her, I have nothing but respect for that! I wish I could be more like her.

Then there is Michaele.....


Is there a brain?

I vote no...

Just smile and people will think you know what is going on

or will they?


I have a hard time deciding on my favorite Real Housewives cast. I know what my least favorite is and that is New Jersey. Hello red-headed step child of the Bravo network. I would have to say New York is just fabulous. The women are all so different that I feel I can find something in each I can relate to.

Today I will compare the 5 different basketball offensive positions to 5 different real housewives: Vickie, Bethany, Caroline, Ramona and NeNe

There are three different types of positions in basketball forwards, centers and guards.

The centers are your big dudes. In the NBA they are your 7 footers, huge and beastly. They are the guys on the court that when they dunk the ball the back of the glass shatters.

Forwards are just a bit smaller than the center but they are able to move around faster. Both the forwards and center's primary responsibility is taking short shots around the rim and rebounding a missed shot.

Guards are going to be considerably smaller, quicker and are able to think fast on their feet. They also have excellent ball handling ability. Guards are the guys you see "making it rain" with shots from beyond the three point line.

Fat Joe and Lil Wayne were kind enough to give us an example of making it rain off the court...


These types of players are divided up among 5 positions on offense.

Point Guard. Also knows as the "1" position

The point guard is the leader on the court. He is the primary ball handler for the team and the key play maker. He calls the plays he wants the team to run, makes sure they are executed properly and makes very quick decisions based on the defense. He is usually the shortest guy on the court but the quickest and the scrappiest. Think of him as the coach on the floor and a very vocal leader. Similar to your quarterback in football!

Real Housewives Point Guard: Caroline


Caroline is the leader of her family. She is quick to round the family up and plan an attack on the defense. The defense clearly in this example is Danielle. She makes smart decisions, handles difficult situations with ease and makes sure everyone on her team is on the same page. If someone steps out of line, Caroline is quick to correct the problem.

Shooting Guard. Also known as "2" position.

The shooting guard is still relatively smaller than the rest of the guys on the court, but very very quick. The primary role of the shooting guard is to score points. If you have heard of the term ball hog, the shooting guard is who they were talking about. The shooting guard will tell you the game of basketball would be nothing without them. They shoot long shots with ease and are not afraid to drive the ball to the basket and mix it up with the big guys on the court. They have serious talent and are your go-to player late in a close game. A fan favorite for sure.

Real Housewives Shooting Guard: Bethany



Bethany is always on our t.v. screen for doing something crazy. She hogs the t.v. spotlight all the time, regardless if it is Bravo or not. She is the best Real Housewife in my opinion. No matter how crazy she gets she always wins points with the T.V. audience. She is a fan favorite for sure.

Small Forward. Also known as "3" position

The small forward or the 3 player is the most versatile on the court. He is a mix of every position. He can shoot long jump shots like a guard, drive to the basket like a 2 guard can but he is also slightly larger and stronger and is responsible for rebounding missed shots. A forward also has the responsibility of what is called posting up on the defense. When you post up a defender you stick your backside in front of their body and get a wide stance and basically muscle your way in front of them to receive a pass from your guard. The small forward occasionally will do this maneuver as well. To sum up this position they are a little bit of everything on the court.

Real Housewives Small Forward: Ramona



Ramona is EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! She is all over the place. She is the master of many different personalities. One minute she is Jill's BFF, the next minute she is Bethany's BFF and hates Jill. Then she is chummy with Alex. Geeze Ramona make up your mind on who you are! Don't get me wrong, I think it is great to be friends with many different groups of people, but when you are with one group you can 't talk badly about your other so-called "friends" behind their back! Not cool Ramona.

Power Forward also known as the "4" player.

The power forward is not the tallest guy on the court but he is usually the strongest. He spends his days posting up and out hustling defenders. The majority of his points come from right around the basket. His longest jump shot is only a few feet back from the rim. If he gets an open shot, there is no excuse not to score. He is also responsible for trying to catch every missed shot and put the ball back up for an easy score.

Real Housewives Power Forward: Vicki


Well, my last two housewives I picked because, well, quite frankly they are beasts. I mean both Vicki and my next housewife are big girls with big personalities. Vicki is a power forward because she works so hard at everything she does. She is a work-a-holic. Just because you work hard doesn't mean you get the spotlight every time. Some hard work goes unnoticed, and instead, the spotlight is awarded to the flashier housewives (like Gretchen) that score all the points with the viewers.

Center or the "5" player.

The center is HUGE. Like I said above your center is just going to be a freak of nature. How did he get hands so big? How does he wear a size 18 shoe? Why is his arm span the size of a football field? He doesn't even have to stand on his tippie toes to dunk! No fair!

The center basically just does his best to out-height his opponent to get the ball and dunk it in for an easy two points. The center is very slow and has a lot of extra body length to lug around with him, so he is generally not the most coordinated player on the court. Their specialty is making dunking look very easy, and making a foul shot (an unguarded, free shot from 15 feet away from the hoop) look very difficult. I think the center is a drama queen and all they want to do is complain about their teammates not giving them the ball enough, but in all actuality, they really aren't doing THAT much work to earn the ball except for being blessed with height.

Real Housewives Center: NeNe


NeNe is a lot of woman. So is Vickie. Good lord they bring a lot to the table (Hah!). NeNe is loud and obnoxious and just wants popularity from everyone. Instead of earning status in Atlanta by doing good for the world, she just wants to run her loud mouth about lord knows what. I think people are just friends with NeNe because the other housewives think that she might eat them.

So there ya go, now you know a little bit about the offense in basketball! More to come, duh!

I wanted to say a special THANK YOU to the Bravo network for making everything on their network just fantastic!

Happy Bravo-ing Venus Lovers!

Images courtesy of from top to bottom:
poptower.com
blog.georgetownvoice.com
tvguide.com
examiner.com
zennie2005.blogspot.com
quimby.shelbyville.ivillage.com
www.celebritybeautybuzz.com


08 September 2010

NFL starts TOMORROW = Prepping for Fantasy TONIGHT!

That's right folks. The NFL starts tomorrow. Needless to say, Tony Romo Fan Club (yes that is my fantasy team name and no, I wasn't able to part with it this year) is READY TO PLAY! Here is who I drafted:

Starting QB is Tony Romo (DUH!) and backup is Carson Palmer from the Bengals.


WR:

1. Ochocinco (Bengals)- I just couldn't resist. I love reality t.v., and so does he, clearly. Does anyone else watch the ultimate catch? Well, I do, and the T.O. show too. So, I did a little research and it appears the girl he chose, Rubi, is not really his ultimate catch. Sad face, because I really enjoyed Rubi and she seemed really sweet. Well, Ochocinco's new catch is basketball wives star Evelyn Lozada, according to Twitter rumors. But seriously, let's be real, the bromance between T.O. and Ochocinco makes it painfully obvious these two lovebirds are meant for each other!



2. Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions)- Nicknamed "Megatron" Now, I write a blog about sports for girly girls. I had to do a little research on what Megatron meant. Lucky for me, Mr. Venus Trapped In Mars has an obsession with all things comic books. According to Mr. Venus, Megatron is a transformers character, the leader of the decepticons?!?!?!!, who is just a beast, like 30 feet tall, and a bad guy. Calvin is a very unique size for a WR, 6 feet, and uber fast (arguably fastest in league) with huge hands. It is near impossible to guard him 1 on 1. Good for Tony Romo Fan Club, bad for the other team's defense!


3. Robert Meachem (New Orleans Saints)- Yay! He plays tomorrow, I know who I will be rooting for! Alumni from the University of Tennessee. Meachem is a contestant on NBC's minute to win it (airing last night and tonight in the special NFL themed edition). He is playing for his favorite charity Boys and Girls Clubs of Greater New Orleans!


RB:

1. Maurice Jones-Drew (Jacksonville Jaguars): So I was blessed with the 3rd pick of the draft and he is who I picked. I'm excited to have picked someone so high, I just hope he doesn't get hurt or choke or fall in love with Kim Kardashian or something like that to mess his game up.



2. Jonathan Stewart (Carolina Panthers): So, I had this guy last year and he has some HUGE games for me. But for every big game he had, there were equal amounts of utter torture he put me through. Has the potential, but he shares the RB position with DeAngelo Williams (one of the best in the league).

3. Jahvid Best (Detroit Lions): Looking back, I kinda regret having two players from the Lions. They are pretty lousy. Well, this guy is a rookie this year with a lot to prove, so I'm hoping he doesn't shut detroit down!

Kicker: Sebastian Janikowski. Jan-ah-ka-WHO-ski? Yeah, that is what I said too, kicker for Oakland. On the plus side all 27 of Oakland's points from last year's season were scored from him! :) haha jk lol, but not really...

D-Fence! San Fran Baby!! Not to play on the sexual stereotype of San Francisco as a whole, but the San Fran defense loves to surprise the hot, sweaty, tight pants wearing meaty boys from behind and forces them all the way down to the ground, hard. I think it is their desire for a good pounding that makes them so tough, it is their San Francisco treat! Ok I'm done now capitalizing on that...

Tight End- Vernon Davis (San Fransico)- HAHA San Fran, you just make it too easy on me! Yes I drafted the San Fran tight end, hardy har har!

So that is my starting lineup. Here is the bad part about fantasy, I have a hard time rooting for a team. I just want that ONE player to catch every pass, run every ball and throw every play! Well, I guess what they say is right, there is no I in team, but there is a ME!

Can't wait for Thirsty Thursday tomorrow when the New Orleans' Meachems crush the Vikings!

Happy Fantasizing Venus Lovers!

Images Courtesy of from top to bottom:
www.thehollywoodgossip.com
www.tauntr.com
www.forbiddenplanetusa.com
www.nbc.com
www.formertrojans.com