31 August 2010
22 August 2010
It's time to sign up for fantasy football if you haven't already. If I know my girls at all, I bet ya'll twenty bucks you put more effort, thought and creative strength into your team name than your actual team itself. My guess is you have no idea who you will draft nor do you care as long as you have the best name in the league! My team name sucks, but I have had it for 4 years now and I just can't bring myself to change it.
19 August 2010
It is kind of humorous to me how people joke about being an alcoholic. Quotes like the one above, talking about going out and getting all schnockered up and making poor decisions with friends on the dance floor or discussing with co-workers how badly you need to get your hands on a drink as soon as you clock out. Saddest part is I have done all the above! I bet you have too.
These are all very alcoholic sounding things to say but as long as you are NOT an alcoholic, people laugh, agree about how it would be lovely to have a peach margarita on the rocks with salt (yum!) at your lunch meeting for work, and joke with the group, "Hey! It's five o'clock somewhere!"
Well, what if you are an alcoholic.
If you say those things above to anyone you are with that knows you have a drinking problem I seriously doubt anyone will suggest to you that it's five o'clock somewhere, indulge. There is a big difference between sneaking a cocktail with a long time friend you haven't seen in forever on your lunch break, and downing a fifth of jack you packed in your flask for the commute on the subway to work at 7:30a.m.
If you have a drinking problem, your career will inevitably plummet real quick because no one respects you and certainly wouldn't want to sit in a cubicle next to you when your mouth smells like yesterday's news.
Do you really think it is different with an athletic career? Can you imagine being blessed with a tremendous amount of God given athletic ability, getting $10 mil a year to play a game you love and then flushing it down the porter potty because you're an alchy!
So here's to you, former professional athlete, for opening a spot up on my fantasy roster for someone who can handle their booze. DUI, you're NOT my guy! You're rich you freak, yellow cab only costs like 10 bucks home from the bar!
The following are pro athletes who swapped their penthouse suites for a more humble abode, REHAB!
1. Mike Tyson- Boxer. Also known as that guy from the hangover who owned the tiger that wound up in their bathroom the next morning.
2. Donte Stallworth- Wide Receiver with the Cleveland Browns. DUI Manslaughter. At least he wore a suit...
3. Tonya Harding- Figure skater. DUI- 2002.
It's just like I always say, "I'm a much better ice skater after I have been drinking... after a few cocktails my triple Salchow is sick!"
4. Charles Barkley- Legendary basketball player. DUI arrest 2008.
Ran a stop sign. When the officer asked Sir Charles why he ran a stop sign? Sir Charles responded with, "I was in a hurry for oral sex, she is on the corner up there, admit it, she is hott isn't she?" I kid you not, this happened. You just can't make this stuff up! Mug shot to prove it:
5. Joe Namath- No DUI here, just thought we would end with a classic crazy drunk creepy old guy.
Namath is one of the most famous and talented quarterbacks of all time. After 13 years in the NFL, he holds a membership in the football hall of fame to prove his awesomeness.
"Hi, my name is Joe and I like to party." "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii JOEEEEEE!"
Special thanks to youtube user Bradshaw3001 for this gem of a video...
Man, I'm thirsty. Oh shoot! Happy hour started at Applebee's 10 minutes ago. I gotta run.
Promise me one thing, when you think about getting a hooker, pause and remember to obey the law...
Just come to a complete stop at any stop signs before you pick them up on the corner!
Happy drinking Venus lovers!
Images courtesy of from top to bottom:
17 August 2010
I remember when I moved in and there were cute fraternity boys lined up waiting to help unpack cars and haul luggage and boxes up 7 flights of stairs in 90 degree temperatures in August. I remember my mom and I looking at each other and being like these boys are so sweet to help us with everything. So this is what southern hospitality is all about.
HAH yeah right, they weren't sweet at all. They were trying to get a running start at recruiting girls to come to their parties. My name is Pete, here is my number if you ever want a "study" partner. Please, how naive were we? Yes, everyone needs a good study buddy at 2am on a Saturday night at a fraternity house.
Anyways, the biggest thing I remember on move-in day was that everyone was talking about the football team. "This is the Year." "Did you hear about the new QB?" "I can't wait until we crush the University of insert school you hate here."
Let me tell you about where I grew up.
The football games at my high school were a joke. You only went to see and be seen. Sometimes we didn't even go in the stadium because we didn't want to pay for a ticket. You know the movie Bring It On? Who am I kidding of course you do, every girl between the ages of 14-40 have seen that movie. Well, that football team was my high school football team. They were just dreadful. I think my senior year they finished with 1 win and 10 losses. The win was against the Virginia school of the blind and deaf. But really...
So when I got to college, I didn't know a darn thing about football. But I quickly found out you either learn to love, breathe, eat, sleep football, or become the biggest loser to ever walk the campus.
So I did just that. I became super fan! And still am to this day. There is no substitue for attending a major university with top sports programs. My best memories of college are from tailgating with my sorority sisters, losing my voice screaming for my team and celebrating the win afterwords.
Best part of being an alumnae now is that I can go back every year and relive my college days. I love my school and I want to wish every new freshman out there good luck. Here is my favoirte quote for you guys...
"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."
13 August 2010
12 August 2010
...Last one to do a keg stand is IT!
...Bob Barker is going to kick the crap outta you!!!
When Parmelee was asked how he felt about the violent reaction of Tiger and the police, he said, "Quite frankly, I was shocked!"
11 August 2010
Third Baseman for the New York Yankees. 35 years young. Nickname: A-Rod.
Alex: I slept with a couple of his girlfriends. And his sister. And his mom. But in my defense, I was drunk when I tapped Mrs. Jeter. And in their defense, I am incredibly attractive and talented. Look, all you need to know is that I love Derek like a brother – me and Derek will always have a deep bond.
Where my girls at...Madonna. Like a Virgin No More!Kate Hudson. I feel like we could be BFF's? No?
Forget Charlie, Cameron Diaz is A-Rod's Angel.
7. Lance Armstrong
38 years old. American professional road racing cyclist.
Survived testicular cancer and is the only man to ever win the Tour de France SEVEN consecutive times.
Big deal, I once had strep throat that lasted for like a week and still went to my sorority's date party that Friday night. Take that LANCE!
It's as easy as riding a bike, right girls?
Sheryl Crow. Was Lance your "Favorite Mistake?"
That's 2 for our favorite gal pal Kate!Ashley Olsen. Insert Full House reference here!
6. Tony Romo
MY MAN! YES TONY ROMO! 30 years old (Perfect Age!) Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys (America's Team!). Great Butt (I mean that thing is good). Endorsed by Starter so anytime you roll into a WalMart you will see his shining face.
Oh and here are the girls he has been SUPPOSEDLY linked to, whatever! Did my best to find their "best" pictures for you.Carrie Underwood. She won some small contest called American Idol. I have never heard of her...Jessica Simpson. She is a public relations practitioner for Chicken of the Sea Tuna.
Candice Crawford. Ugh, didn't have any bad pictures of her. Miss Missouri USA 2008. "Show Me" something other than her ugly face please.
There are your top six "players"! What do ya think?
Better tune in next week for the top 5 players. Who do ya'll think will be my number one?
Images courtesy of from top to bottom: